There was a lot of hurt i couldnt deal with in my past
it has accumlated and now it put me in some kind of frozen state
that the only way i can remain alive is that i stay still
try and neutrellize as mahy threats as possible even if theyre
not as scary as they seem. Its they only was to survive. My anxiety
threshold is off the roof. Im always certain im going to die. For some reason whatever it may be. Thats my day to day reality. It all started for a reason. There was a starter event. And from there i was never the same. Then, i did a poor job of maintaining my energies. Got into abusive relatonships when i already low. I think those predators took advantage of that fact. One of which was a guy i loved for a long time and never imagined would use me like that, and he did. By the timae it ended he discarded me after emptying me clean off blood. And i was completely devistated, i didnt know what hit me. I was on the side of the road basically trying to fathom what just happened but i dont think that i did or do even now, or ever fully will. I dont think the human soul is strong enough to understand these acts. Its not built that way. These type of things kept happening to me all my life. And i never had to chance to get some resolution or closure with these traumatic events. Only now i am begninnng to understand the emotional concequnces of being on this express train for as long as i did, and being its sole passenger. This train that only goes forward yet never stops exhilarating. And now, i stare into my reflection and im looking for change. Anything. Signs of premature aging would be bliss. In this world of mine where being stuck is your personal savior, i guesa this is your only reminder of being alive.