I have an apology to make I first came on this site over a year ago now and met you guys and you did make a big impact on my life which helped so much when I was talking to you, and then I disappeared as quick as I came :-(.
Thing is I didn’t really disappear, just went through a little bad patch and deleted my account as monib and opened another one as ladeda. After that I felt I might offend if I tried to explain and then went back to being my usual storking self! Reading posts and silently talking to you all in my head, but not being able to say anything.
So why you may ask have I suddenly resurfaced my voice?
I am very anxious rather than depressed and incredibly alone, which as you all know can be one of the most devastating things when you are trying to cope with mood swings.
My depression has been in very good control since my last episode, I haven’t felt depressed for such a long time, thanks to books that I read and methods I tried, and a lot of the information I got from speaking to you all on this site. I have missed you all, especially the humour and compassion of the ones that have been here for such a long time.
The reason I am now back to being so needy, could be self pity I suppose, but don’t think I am concerned too much about me, but the daughter that I dote on. She has been working abroad for the last month and comes home today, in a couple of weeks she moves out completely to live with her boyfriend, I will sure miss her, even though I know we will of course speak everyday by phone, just like we always do. I am so glad for them and it is perfect timing as I don’t want her to see so much of me at the moment.
The reason I am so anxious and shaking about seeing her when the plane lands is I feel I have to tell her what I know and I am scared.
I had to go to the doctors with a few miner things and was sent to the hospital the following week. I have always avoided all the routine screening the NHS offered as I didn’t want to care about myself in the past due to the long history of depression. So this was my first mammography (i'm 60), so it was a little bit of a shock to then be told after that I now have advanced cancer. So feeling a little guilty, just the same as when I used to get bad bouts of depression, as I cant stand the thought of hurting my daughter, through my own fault.
For anyone reading this that has an exceedingly good memory of last year, my ex husband had left us after a very long and what I thought was a very happy marriage and to have a sex change, which I guess was what bonded me and my daughter so closely and would tare me apart so much when I was down and just wanted a way out, as i knew how much i would hurt her.
I know this is all silly as I am not yet even terminally ill! Just going to be a little unwell until it’s sorted, our NHS is incredible, I met the most lovely caring people last week and know I am in excellent hands, so there is no problems there.
But I don’t want to feel alone anymore, so please forgive me for always being here and never just saying hello x