Wish this feeling would stop

Hey everyone I'm new to this site and I'm really struggling with depression I have been diagnosed since feb and tried a few depression tablets but none have worked up to now, all I want todo is sleep and when I am awake the thoughts of killing myself run through my mind the only thing that stops me are the thoughts of my family especially my nieces who need me, but the thoughts of not having my own children kills me I have lied to everyone all my life saying it doesn't bother me but in reality it kills me as I fertility problems and I've known since I was 15 I'm fed up of this feeling and don't get why it's happening to me when there's million of people out there who don't deserve them

13 Replies

  • Hello,

    I am sorry that you have hit a rough patch. Depression can be a horrific thing which both dominate and take over out lives.

    When I lost my dear wife Lorna in January last year that I really sank to the very bottom in depression. Lornas family were all there for me.

    But they told me that I really needed counselling because it I had sunk so low.

    I took their counsel and saw a excellent counsellor who over a period of time slowly but surely got me back up to the top again. My counsellor told me that she would help me but I would have to help myself to get up to the top again.

    I still feel extremely lonely, but I fully realise that life doesn't stop for any of us.

    Sometimes one tries to get by on ones own, but there are times in life when we all need help. I leave you decide whether counselling is for you.

    I also suffer from temporal lobe epilepsy (which I personally believe can, in my case case be pre-empted by anxiety and depression alike.

    My epilepsy can put the fear of God into me, causing me to shut down my television and radio, and sit here waiting for the next clap of thunder and lightning to strike. Horrific!

    However I know that I have to beat this or this will beat me and simply take over my life. This is a no go, I simply have to think positively and start to lead a normal life again. Extremely difficult but it can be done.

    Remember on ITunes you can download some very good Relaxation CDs which can also help you.

    Whatever decision you make I wish you all the very best.

    Take care


    Author of epilepsy-theunwelcomevisito...

  • Relaxation downloaded onto your mobile help you a lot. When feeling depressed simply put your headphones on, turn your mobile on, when lying down on your bed. Close your eyes and start doing the breathing exercises etc, and all the instructions which are given to you on the said relaxation piece.

    Positive thoughts always beat negative ones. Positive thoughts bring you up, but negative ones can take you on a downward spiral.

    Again, wherever you are, you can always do your breathing exercises, which will help you immensely.

    Keeping your brain occupied, by doing hobbies (too many to mention) will help you so much.

    Whenever you speak to family and friends always talk about all the subjects of the world, but not about depression.

    I have suffered from epilepsy all of my life which scares me so much. Coupled with that I too also suffer from anxiety and depression, so I believe I have a. good idea of what you are going through.

    I hope that you soon get better.


    Author of


  • I try and relax but it's just too hard x

  • And Rome wasn't built in a day.

    Have you listened to a Relaxation CD yet?

    Take care


  • You are going through a bad episode and you will benefit from relaxation tapes. However you do need help over not being able to have children. Is adoption not possible? I sympathise with you on your comment many who have children do not deserve them, although very true unfortunately there is nothing we can do. Personally I feel the world we live in at the moment is not safe to bring children into but that will not stop you wanting them. I also think you do need to find a medication that will help so please keep trying different ones. Life can be cruel at times, we are all here for you, your family need you, you have so much to give others, you will overcome this. Much love Helen

  • Thanks Helen ur comment means a lot I'm just sick of feeling low and being in pain I just want a life like my mates all seem to have they don't understand it x

  • When you feel done remember there are many people the same as you. Feel free to text anytime😊 x

  • I agree with the above responses and would like to add a little.

    Firstly, perhaps it would be a good idea to confide in people about your true feelings rather than trying to hide them which must take up the personal resources you need elsewhere. Some people probably already realise that you are putting on a brave face.

    Secondly, although it is clearly not appropriate whilst you are going through this really bad patch, perhaps you could consider adopting in the future. As you say, many people don't deserve the children they have, so those children need people who will take them into their homes and hearts and bring them up as their own. My single cousin J, who is in her 40s, took on a two year old with physical difficulties. Through love and commitment, has enabled the little one to begin walking and talking. This is hugely rewarding for J and the rest of the family.

    Good luck!

  • Aww that's so nice to hear about ur cousin xx

  • Thank you. It is good for J and little J but the point of the story was to show you that there are alternatives to producing babies ourselves out there.

    At the moment you are feeling so very low and I would like to help you to see that there are solutions to most problems out there. I know you are feeling horrible and I have been there myself. Suicide only seems like a solution until you try - some people manage it but for me it was too hard and just caused a lot of palaver I could have done without. My advice is that it is best not to bother... That is only one reason not to go there and I'm sure you know them all. You mentioned some in your original post.

    From personal experience, there is a light at the end of the tunnel even is you can't see it at the moment. Mental illness takes such a long time to deal with, and those of us who suffer have to be so very brave. You sound as if you are in one of the worst places at the moment but the fact that you have written on this site shows that you are doing something about it.

    A problem with mental illness is that we have to work so hard to get better and it is at a time when we don't feel like working at all because we are so very ill. Even if they don't seem to be working, things like relaxation and exercise really do help in the long term. Give them a good go. As Winston Churchill used to say: KBO

    By the way, you say that you want to be like your friends. The chances are that their lives are not as perfect as you seem to view them. All people have hurdles to overcome - that's life.

    It may help if you stop viewing yourself as so different from everyone else. If everyone with mental illness started glowing green, I think we'd all be surprised by who's green around us...

    My approach to my mental illness at the moment is to seek help from professionals - sometimes I've had to ask others to help me get the help because it has been too hard for me - and just do as I'm told to the best of my ability.

    Best wishes!

  • Dear Gem, welcome to the site which I'm sure you'll find a help. We will all be feeling sorry you are depressed. Sometimes it takes a while for the right antidepressant pill to be found and to work , but until then hugs from all of us.

    Being absolutely frank with your medical help ,GP or otherwise will help in finding the right pills for you as quickly as possible.

    I'm an oldish guy and can only imagine the feelings of regret you have about children However I would say don't build an image in your mind of the fictional , always happy family with laughing children. Children can bring ,apart from responsibility, much pain and heartache. Often this can be through no fault of their own. A serious illness in a child or maybe worse, can bring as much pain I suspect as not having children, and all parents will have suffered pain of some sort through their children.

    I know you would probably take on all this to have children but assuming some medical advance does n't enable you to have children ,you will still be able to give love to your nieces , family , partner , and friends, at different stages of your life and receive their love in return. This in itself is a gift and will help you through life.

    I suspect that telling people "it does n't bother you" is not a good policy and it might be better to say "I don't know how it would have worked out but its one of the biggest regrets I have". Most people have regrets after all and yours is something you hardly need feel ashamed of.

    You sound quite young and if so hopefully your depression will turn out to be a one off ,possibly caused by brooding about children. In this case I so hope you find a partner who loves you ,and is willing to spend their life with you . Even in my small circle I know of two who have married knowing their wife could not have children (one of them a close relative) . In time it might then be able to adopt or foster children. Thanks for posting . Words are so inadequate but I do so hope everything comes right for you.


  • I am only youngish I'm 29 I and the depression Is something I've dealt with for years it's only now I'm actually getting help for it x

  • Life can throw some unpleasant things our way and sad to say there are some things that we cannot do anything about. Generally all you can do is progress down the pathway that has been allocated for you.

    I do not know what the problem is that has caused your problem. You have no obligation telling anyone why you have no children, that would be your decision to explain or not. It is your body.

    You say you have fertility problems, have you asked your GP if medicine has changed and if something has been discovered that can make you pregnant. You do not say if you are married or not, although that makes no difference in anything you decide, other if of course you have a partner. Have further chats with your GP and ask for a a referral.

    With regards suicide, believe me when I say it is not even worth considering. You mention family, how do you think they would feel if you ended o just tried to take your life. Family will feel sad shocked and resentful that you have taken any of above actions.

    You will be dead, no-one knows what happens, Would you be happy coming back to this world and doing it again and again, or feeling those feelings of sorrow that your family have to suffer because of your actions.

    Believe me when I have we have no children, I suffer Chronic Pain and assocated depression and I have tried to take my life, the treatment to bring you back is both heroic and nasty, do you want to go through that. You will not get any support from the hospital as such and you will spend the rest of your life trying to make up to family who now would now not trust you as they will be confused why you tried doing such a thing.

    Make an appointment to see your GP, possibly two together and discuss your loss, sadness and depression with Him, you may be suprized if there are some ways forward that you have not thought of


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