Lately, for months now I've been depressed on and off ... for maybe a few days the most and I've been crying on and off every week for months. I know why I'm depressed, but I've been suppressing it kinda blocking it out and now I've starting to feel kinda numb to it all. But all of this is becoming too much for me to deal with and I want to crumble so bad! Everyday I wake up I feel so miserable, but I brush it off and put on my mask for the day pretending to be fine in front of everyone. Sometimes I may express my unhappiness, but rarely because my folks around me have also been dealing with my depression for about 6 years now and I feel as if they're tired of me. Everytime I get better and I feel like I can move on with life and be strong something happens and I'm back at square one hurt and depressed. Life is so hard for me right now that I can barely cope. I've been thinking about suicide a lot like never before lately. I struggle daily with my thoughts and emotions and it's starting to wear me out mentally. I just feel so desperate for a way out of this how do I fix all these problems that aren't in my control? I literally have no direction for my life. My negative thoughts are consuming me and I'm fighting everyday inside of me to be positive and optimistic, but it's hard. I don't know how to solve my problems so I dwell on them which makes me depressed, but I can't help but to worry about my life. I overthink and analyze everything! Ugh I cannot get my mind to take a break. I feel like a worthless nobody! How do I fight my demons? How do I be a winner in life? I'm subconsciously depressed I'm doing my best to feel normal, and indeed a lot of days I should actually feel thankful and content because it could be worst. I try to keep myself busy and stay away from isolating myself and feeling lonely. I always notice my depression to pretty much vanish for that time I'm away around my friends. But this summer I have had absolutely nothing much to do (I'm unemployed) and I noticed my depression getting worse with every passing unproductive day. I sit around at home too much which is causing me to constantly think negative, I need to occupy myself with a job and get my mind off of things. No matter how hard I try to come to an understanding with my struggling situation it's the little thoughts always come back & I get into a terrible funk of feeling pathetic & sorry for myself. I absolutely detest it. I have been dealin with a "situation" in my life for over 2 years I've been holdin on to hope that the situation would change but I got to the point after a year where I realized my "situation" just isnt gonna change but yet I refuse to accept it....what's the deal with me? Also how poverty has held me back, and now I'm trying to overcome it.
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