Though this site I'm hoping to chat to other people going through similar issues to myself in the hope that sharing stories and experiences may help to develop a friendly support network.
I feel like my life has been on hold for about 3 years. I'm in my early twenties and I was just about to leave university. I suffered dreadful panic attacks over the final exam period. This was the first time I had ever had them. I'd had a difficult few years with family problems and have always felt under tremendous pressure to succeed - mostly from myself. I was pursuing a law career. It all became too much for me. Fortunately it did not prevent me from graduating. However, it left me feeling burnt out. Ever since I have suffered from chronic tension headaches and constant dizziness akin to postural hypotension.
Beside physically not feeling well, I have also suffered emotionally and mentally. While family problems worsened I also started it feel very helpless and somewhat worthless. I still do. Nothing ever seems good enough for me or that I never feel good enough for anything. Everything seems so impossible. I have not felt able to search for a job in 3 years, whilst I have many motivating factors for getting a job, it just is not enough for me to actually try. I'm terrified of not being good enough that I'm too scared to try. This sort of behaviour goes completely against the person I have always been. I now feel like a failure, an embarrassment, disappointment and a burden to my family who have had to support me financially. I just can't seem to get a grip.
I've seen several doctors and have a numerous hospital appointments regarding headaches and dizziness. I take amitriptyline for headaches, with some success but had to go onto lowest dosage as it made me faint, it has also made me gain weight which has further affected my confidence and self worth. Still no luck on the dizziness front. I cannot stand on my feet for more than an hour sometimes less because I start to feel faint. I cannot do any exercise either because of this. I have isolated myself from my friends so I feel lonely often. I have been unable to enter into a relationship because of this also. I have terrible sleep problems, often waking up hallucinating. I always feel very tired no matter how much sleep I have. I cannot remember the last time I felt happy or relaxed.
I feel like I have known for a long time that I have been suffering from depression, I seem to fit the mold but I have been in denial about it, shrugging it off and blaming my situation on my headaches and dizziness. I think it may be possible that these are caused by depression. A person closest to me has discussed depression with me, but doesn't seem to think I am. I feel like people don't seem to understand and maybe I'm to blame for that, I always feel like I am Acting or pretending to be okay when inside I feel like I am drowning. To a very small extent I still feel like I can beat it but I just do not know how to. I am a very closed book in person and just cannot express and weaknesses. I do not feel emotionally strong enough to see my doctor yet about it. I have tried some self help methods like mindfulness but nothing seems to stick.
But things need to change. I need to change. I just do not know how to. Yet.