Mad Me

So, I am not sure why I am doing this, but here goes.

I have not been diagnosed with Depression or anything, but I know 100% I am totally f*cked up in the head, and have been since 6 years of age. Yea, I am the cliché, someone growing up with a horrific childhood that no one knows about, through my teen years being manipulated and abused, lost self control, hurt myself, would not eat, made myself sick whenever I did eat, drank alcohol until I felt like I wasn't apart of this earth, taken drugs, partied until I felt too tired to keep one eye open. But things got worse over time, I became less sociable, I feared going out and seeing friends, I did not want to get drunk just in case I was judged, I did not want people to see me and look at me in disgust (because I am fat). And even until this day, even though I am 19, at university (since September) and living a different life, I still feel the same. I have met SOME great people, but I fear going out. But its to the point I feel sick (or am sick), my breathing goes funny, I start to get really stressed out and agitated, I don't want to see anyone and sometimes I feel so so scared.

I have so much self hatred and loath that I cannot even begin to describe. I never had 'actual' relationships throughout my teens (I think its because I am disgusting) but I know that I struggled to get close with anyone, I had sex with guys because I wanted the attention but I did not want anyone to know too much about me, as I know they would run for it. Only last year, I met someone, started liking each other etc, and basically I had this different bond with him (Or so I thought), and I told him almost everything about me, stuff that I have never told anyone. and yea, after a month of knowing he went back to his ex. Now this cut me deep, not because of him, he actually was not that nice looking back, but because I knew I would never be able to trust anyone, AGAIN, I felt like a complete fool because the only time I decide to let someone in, they disappeared.

I now have a boyfriend, but will never tell him anything that is going on in my head, nothing about my past, or anything that will give the slight impression I am totally f*cked up. My anxiety levels are sky high and I cry myself to sleep most nights, and struggle to wake in the morning. I have no motivation to do my work or revise and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not wake up.

Even though I never want anyone to know, I am slowly killing myself with all this in my head, a daily reminder that I am worthless and just hoping it will all go away.

23 Replies

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  • I am sad to read some of the comments you make about yourself and that you feel.

    Speaking for myself I felt very down and depressed and everyone in the world was dark and doom and gloom. Therefore I can appreciate how well how you could be feeling.

    For myself, I realised that I could not cope with this all by mysel, so I got myself to see a counsellor, and thank the Good Lord I am now starting to feel better than I was.

    As friendly advice may I suggest that you do the same.

    I wish you well.

    Richard

  • Thank you Richard, Yea I should see someone, and I know I should. But the thought is so scary, i have had counselling in Secondary school but I did not like it, I used it as an excuse to get out of class. I will try and get myself to seek some help. Thank you again.

  • I am pleased with your reply. Simply sit down in front of the counsellor and tell as it is.

    All the very best

    Richard

  • Hey Fifi, I am finishing school in May and so will be going to university next year (after a gap year). I have never been in a relationship. I am desperate to be in one but its something I've really struggled with as I feel like no one ever takes an interest in me. Anyway, what I am saying is that I can slightly empathise with your situation.

    If you want some advice, I would recommend seeing a therapist on quite a regular basis if you are not already doing so. This has helped me no end in the past as it is someone I can completely confide in and get everything off my chest. Another option is confiding in a really close friend who you've known for a long time and is a good listener. I can only see my therapist occasionally now so I talk to my best friend about things sometimes. Both have worked for me, but a therapist is likely to have the best advice if you explain the situation completely, and a therapist is absolutely confidential. Once you've told everything to someone, its a real weight off your shoulders, and then you can try to focus on the good things about your personality and the things you enjoy when you go out with your friends. And believe me, the positives about you are still there but it is easy to lose sight of them when you're feeling so low. Once you've talked to your therapist, just try to forget about the unhappiness you're going through and have a great time with your friends. Just be your own happy self, having left your negative feelings behind with your therapist.

    I regularly get the feeling of wanting to curl up into a ball and not do anything. I am supposed to be revising at the moment for my final exams and I've barely done anything. But I have started doing a lot of exercise everyday which not only improves my mood but helps me work slightly better as well. Even if you don't want to revise, force yourself to go out and do something you enjoy and then do a short revision session when you get back and are motivated. After all, its better than nothing! Also, I have found that I am more likely to get work done if I set a meeting time with a friend to do a specific task/subject. Once you're committed to something, its harder to back out. When you're on your own, its so much harder to get motivated to work, and easier to back out and do nothing.

    I can't really give relationship, but I'd suggest you just try and forget about your ex. He's obviously not a true friend if if can't accept what you're going through. And maybe try and keep things relaxed with your current boyfriend so you don't get into anything too serious and feel like you have to tell him. If you really trust him (which will be hard after what you've experienced) and if it feels right, then tell him how you feel. But don't feel any obligation to do so.

    Hope I haven't rambled on too much. The most important thing is just to get rid of all your negative feelings with your therapist (if you decide to see one) and concentrate on the best things about you when you're with your friends.

    Hope this helps and that you feel more positive! You deserve to be happy, and never think any different :)

  • Aw thank you very much! I have my fingers crossed for you, im sure you will do great, keep going! Its so fustrating, I want to do well, I want to get out of this dark cloud thats sufficating me but I can't. I may feel free for like a few days but it hits me again.

    I have started doing Yoga and Pilates, but haven't been regularly doing it even tho I want too, same with work!

    I have had counselling in secondary school but i did not like it, i used it as an excuse to get out of class, I want to seek help tho but its scary.

    Tbh, I couldn't be more happier with my current boyfriend, but im struggling keeping all this stuff to myself, but In scared to say anything.

    Thank you for your message, I hope your exams go well, Im sure you will do brill! Im gunna try and get myself sorted, just need to pluck up the courage! X

  • Sorry I haven't replied until now. Your welcome, and thank you for the support!

    Yes, try and keep going with the yoga and pilates if you can. I sometimes feel like going to the gym/going swimming/or going for a run is the last thing I want to do, but I always feel much better for it afterwards. So just try and motivate yourself to get into a routine!

    I agree that it's very scary seeking help at first. My mum practically dragged me to my first counselling session I was so reluctant. And I didn't talk much for the first couple of sessions. But once you get to the first session and make a start, it becomes much easier. Trust me! Just make sure you find someone good to talk to, who you get on well with and can call anytime about anything!

    Good luck with everything! x

  • Buy the book: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.

    Kamal Ravikant (Author)

  • I will look into it, thanks 😊

  • Well it's not going to go away unless you do something about it is it? You need to go to the doctors as meds and/or counselling might be able to help.

    You are not worthless - that is the depression talking so don't trust those feelings please. Have you got anyone you could take to the doctors with you? Or maybe you could write down how you feel and just give it to them.

    There might be lots of reasons why your last bf left you, but it sounds to me like he was on the rebound and would have gone back to his ex again anyway. Also a month isn't very long to know someone and it's much too soon to lay all this on a new

    relationship. You need to wait a while until it becomes more serious then do it in stages. A bit at a time, that's the key. When you meet the right man he will love you despite all that and will support you all the way. x

  • Hi, thank you so much! I know I need to do something but its a scary thing. Ive been with my bf now for just over 6 months, im not going to get him involved with any of this anytime soon. I appreciate your reply, shows that many people do care! Thanks x

  • Have you been tested for complex post traumatic stress disorder and depression? Your reactions sound like someone whose been traumatised and is blaming themselves for something that ISNT their fault.

  • I think, with the help of a GOOD counselor, it would be helpful to figure out where these negative feelings have started from / come from. Sometimes knowing the source and the beginnings of these feelings is the starting point and "spring board" that will help you move forward. I am sure that without delving into the background of your emotions, it must be very hard to move forward. You have to have a meaningful 'starting point' .

    Please keep in touch with this caring community, too. We truly DO care and want to help you begin to heal. Remember, a journey of 1000 miles always starts with that one, all-important FIRST STEP. YOU CAN DO IT !!

    Sincerely,

    Annie55406

  • Hi, I know I need to do something, but like I said to others I am too scared. I shouldnt be, and in not sure whu I am scared but the thought of telling someone everything freaks me out a little.

    This community has been amazing, so many people have been showing that they care, its a lottle overwhelming, not used to it haha.

    Thank you for your reply, I will try x

  • Your so not worthless at all. You are actually very strong for what you have come through from very young age. I too lived a terrible childhood which i carried on into my later years. I realise along the way that I never thought I was good enough, or pretty enough, or accepted enough and built a wall round myself. But its a lonely place in that wall.. I watched Clayton Jennings on you tube. Can you watch him? You know God adores you and wants you to be happy. Your here for a purpose and he wants you to trust in him to guide you. I am so not religious but I honestly have found something amazing in Jesus that none could ever give me. Also look at Jefferson Bethke on you tube. The voice is your head keeps telling you lies about yourself. You have been very honest here and I admire you for that and in turn you will help others one day for what you have come through. Get yourself through uni and go on to do something good.

    You have lost your motivation and I totally understand that, I did not feel so great getting up today but God said there are people out there that need a friend so here I am for you today. I don't have much to offer but I do have honestly and reliability as a friend to you here.

    Matt Chandler...keep getting up go on give them a listen to, all amazing. STOP the lies in your head. Steven Furlick has a great talk called whatever whatever, its about that chatterbox in your head, it will rob you of life and yes it can stop. Come on fifi96, time to turn things around, you have suffered enough.

    Talk to god, tell him how you feel about everything, he can and will help you and I am speaking from honesty in my heart.

  • Thank you so much! Im sorry to hear you have been through a rough time. I really appreciate you reply, I will look into these people on youtube. I need something to keep me positive, I try but I cannot stay motivated or positive for long.

  • Hi Fifi

    I think it is understandable that you are finding it hard to trust in this relationship or any other relationship such as those with a counsellor. You are at University which is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are not the only person who feels overwhelmed sometimes, although it can feel like it. You said you cry in your room. Maybe others cry too. I do think you need help though, to get through this difficult time. Many Universities have welfare centre, they are usually confidential and there to help. It does seam that your past has been very hard and you have done very well to come as far as you have. Not every counsellor is the same. I hope you find someone to talk to that can help you through this difficult time.

  • Hi there, I think my university does have counselling and wellbeing place but its plucking up the courage to go, I am such a wuss! I get frightened of talking to people about how I feel, I have a fear of being judged etc even though I know professionals won't... Its a vicious cycle in my head!

    Thank you for you reply, this community is amazing! x

  • By writing on here you have shown that you do still want help and do believe some people are trustworthy - the trick after being abused is to recognise who is safe and will never intentionally hurt you and who will not, and then even harder is to recognise when people are unintentionally hurting you and when you just feel they are because of your past experiences. That's why it's important to find a counsellor you feel understands you, so you can learn how to know the difference in those things, so do give it a go. Counsellors attached to Universities are generally well trained (in the uk they are - you may not be in the uk) and are unlikely to ever harm you intentionally. Good luck, xx

  • Thank you! I had never really thought about it like that, I just take things too personally, always think that people are doing things to purposely hurt me etc, even if it something so small! I think I need to make sure I try to realise that people probably are not, but old habits die hard... I will try tho.

    Thanks x

  • Old habits certainly do die hard don't they Fifi? You are speaking to an old hand here. Try looking at it another way - why are you so important to acquaintances that they would bother to hurt you? It's much more about them than you - they could be having a bad day themselves or are just being thoughtless.

    In life you will find out of 100 people 10 will like you, 5 will dislike you, and the rest don't even know you exist!

    I remember thinking like you then I had counselling. One day I walked past a group of strangers and they were laughing loudly. Instead of thinking like I normally would - they are laughing at me - my first thought was - they sound like they are having a good time. It was a revelation :)

    Another thing to remember is some people try and dig you out to get a reaction. If you give them one they will keep on doing it. Bev x

  • I am very sorry you are feeling this way. I relate to much of what you say. I was always attracting boyfriend's who treated me poorly and called me mean names all the time. And I know I was cheated on. But once I started getting medical treatment for my depression, PTSD, and anxiety I felt much different than before. I still go on bouts of self-loathing but it doesn't last as long or happen as often as it did. I felt energetic in the morning- where as pre-medication I felt I barely could get to the washroom because I just wanted to stay alone in my bed. Well after about 2 years of seeking help from a doctor my personality was much more confident and I met my current boyfriend. What a world of difference than any other person I dated. Because I was feeling better and engaged in life- I attracted a different 'caliber' of guy. One that did not call me names or steal money from me, etc. About three months into our relationship I mentioned I needed to get my Rx filled. And he asked me what medication I took. So I thought for sure I would loose him. But he was supportive. And then in small doses I revealed to him parts of my past. Now he even goes to the doctor with me if I ask him in with me. I think part of it is you have to let someone get to know you in present day. And once they know you and feel confident in what you have together in present day- you can slowly trust them with your painful past as you feel ready. Your ex-boyfriend whom you confided everything to and the left to return to his ex- almost surely would of done that to you whether you confided in him or not. Some people are just like that- and it is better to get rid of him sooner than later. Your traumatic childhood is likely similiar to mine and unfortunaly a lot of people suffering with self loathing and depression on this forum. It was not about you- it was about the people who really hurt you. Even you acting out as a teen was likely a result of all the pain you have inside not knowing how to come out. Your post has a lot of simulators its to my life. I had an anxiety attack at my staff Christmas party and hid basically in a barn to avoid going. I felt so ugly and pathetic and all those things. Then I feel so stupid and like I am a waste of space on this earth. But it is really your anxiety bringing you to that bad place. I quit drinking too because I don't want to be judged or do anything perceived as embarrassing. I'm none the worse for quitting that but still it does make you feel you can not go out with friends and have the same carefree fun they may have. I hope you talk to a doctor and consider medications to help manage your depression and anxiety. And I hope you feel better soon!

  • Hiya. I know I was stupid in confining in my ex so quickly, but he did the same and for a few seconds I felt like I could, but instantly regretted it. Im hoping with my current boyfriend to be able to open up at some point, it must be torture for him, there are days when I get so low and have no energy, he repeatedly asks me what's wrong and I just say I am fine, but he obviously knows I am not. I have woke him up from crying so much before, but again would not say anything. I know I need to somehow get help, but its getting the courage to do it, honestly I'm so scared! Part of it I think is admitting it all, but secondly the thought of being judged for it, that really gets me. all of it sucks! Everyone on here has been really nice and it is good to speak to people who kind of understand, in a way.

    Thank you so much for your reply, Im trying to pluck the courage. x

  • It is wonderful your boyfriend sounds like a very caring person. My boyfriend is too. My ex-boyfriends- not one of them. I dated a man in his early 30's who confided in me a terrible even when he was raped at age 11 by an old neighbour. Then when he got back home his Dad beat him for breaking his curfew and he never told his Dad what happened. I thought sharing such a horrible part of his past with me meant I was really special. No- wasn't the case. He wore it like a badge of honour and pass to do whatever bad things he wanted including credit card fraud, taking huge sums of money away from his poor mother and doing cocaine. None of those things I found up about him after we were into our relationship. He also had a fetish of dressing up in my linegere. I have something special for you he told me once- it was naked pictures of him stuffed in my linegere - including thong underwire and a mesh Lacey shawl. Again I felt because he trusted me with that- he must think I am special. Wrong! A current thing that happened in my good relationship I am in now is something you may relate to...

    My boyfriend was fighting with mom and said he should see a psychiatrist - but said it in the same way as you insult someone or call them a bad name. Another time my boyfriend did the same when he was fighting with his parents. You are both crazy abd should be the ones seeing the pyschiatrist he said angerly to them... And I hear this. And my boyfriend knows about me. And still he was throwing around seeing a pychiatrist was a good insult to comeback with his parents. That happened in February this year so I never said anything but quit my medications. After almost 8 weeks off them I was a different person in a bad way. Crying, tearful, feelings if sucide even. At work they asked me if I was angry at them because my behaviour in general was much different. All in a bad way. So I went back on medication, and also brought my boyfriend to the doctor with me. He told me what he said about pyschiatrists didn't mean anything and he was sorry. His comments were never directed at me. But did show the stigma out there. I know I feel better seeing a doctor and getting medication although I too feel stigmatized by society. No one has to know unless you want to tell them and if there is anything that could help you stop feeling the bad way you do right now- it might be worth the try.

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