So, I am not sure why I am doing this, but here goes.
I have not been diagnosed with Depression or anything, but I know 100% I am totally f*cked up in the head, and have been since 6 years of age. Yea, I am the cliché, someone growing up with a horrific childhood that no one knows about, through my teen years being manipulated and abused, lost self control, hurt myself, would not eat, made myself sick whenever I did eat, drank alcohol until I felt like I wasn't apart of this earth, taken drugs, partied until I felt too tired to keep one eye open. But things got worse over time, I became less sociable, I feared going out and seeing friends, I did not want to get drunk just in case I was judged, I did not want people to see me and look at me in disgust (because I am fat). And even until this day, even though I am 19, at university (since September) and living a different life, I still feel the same. I have met SOME great people, but I fear going out. But its to the point I feel sick (or am sick), my breathing goes funny, I start to get really stressed out and agitated, I don't want to see anyone and sometimes I feel so so scared.
I have so much self hatred and loath that I cannot even begin to describe. I never had 'actual' relationships throughout my teens (I think its because I am disgusting) but I know that I struggled to get close with anyone, I had sex with guys because I wanted the attention but I did not want anyone to know too much about me, as I know they would run for it. Only last year, I met someone, started liking each other etc, and basically I had this different bond with him (Or so I thought), and I told him almost everything about me, stuff that I have never told anyone. and yea, after a month of knowing he went back to his ex. Now this cut me deep, not because of him, he actually was not that nice looking back, but because I knew I would never be able to trust anyone, AGAIN, I felt like a complete fool because the only time I decide to let someone in, they disappeared.
I now have a boyfriend, but will never tell him anything that is going on in my head, nothing about my past, or anything that will give the slight impression I am totally f*cked up. My anxiety levels are sky high and I cry myself to sleep most nights, and struggle to wake in the morning. I have no motivation to do my work or revise and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not wake up.
Even though I never want anyone to know, I am slowly killing myself with all this in my head, a daily reminder that I am worthless and just hoping it will all go away.