Umm... IDK .... help?

Im a girl of 17 years. I'm not exactly sure if im suffering from depression and i need help finding out.

I've always been a person who's always smiling. People refer to me as "The girl with the 32 teeth smile". I try to make everyone i know laugh. I used to be very active. I used to play basketball a lot in school before. I had gang of best friends before. After grade 10, we had to split into science and commerce streams. My friends took commerce and i took science. I used to get along with everyone in my class but there are differences between us. It's not like how it was before.

I stopped joking in class. I barely talk. But till a year after this split i had no problem

Last year I lost my virginity. I couldnt tell anyone about it. I didnt like the fact that it happened. Even after that happened i slept with someone else hoping he would make me feel better.

Things only got worse from then.

There were so many fights at home for other reasons. My dad and i barelytalked in the past few years. Every time we talked it lead to a fight. My mom was almost always at work. And i am the eldest among my siblings. So everything that happened at home was blamed on me.

Until a few years back i didnt have any problems getting hit or being scolded. There were fights but i used to forget about it. I used to scream and fight back though. But now, whenever there is a fight, i give up. I dont feel like fighting back. Ive given up

I dont play in school anymore. I've lost hope in myself. I barely smile anymore. Even when i do, i know its fake. I haven't been happy in ages.I lost 8 kg last year because i never feel like eating. I cry for everything. I dont enjoy going out. I dont enjoy being with friends. I dont like being with family. I dont know whom to talk to anymore. I'm always sleeping. I dont feel like studying. I dont seem to remember what i study.

I'm not allowed to go out of home much so i stay within the 4 walls of my room. Once because my dad didnt let me go out, i cried and ended up cutting my hands. There are like 20-25 scars in each hand. I didnt cut because i wanted to die. But idk, i enjoyed the pain i guess. I swallowed about 15 panadols another time. I've even swallowed silica balls.

This is the first time I've ever opened up about any of this. I dont know what to do.

Am i just sad or is this depression?

11 Replies

  • It does sound like many signs of depression. Am sure your doctor would be sympathetic

  • Hiya and welcome to the forum.

    Your teenage years are difficult and I'm sorry you are suffering. I'm not sure where you are geographically but I would recommend going to see your GP and talking through how you feel. If you don't feel comfortable do you have a school counsellor you could talk too? I really do think you would benefit from talking to someone as hurting yourself to help manage painful emotions or feelings is something we want to avoid.


    Sarah x

  • Well, Thankew for ur advice Sarah.

    I'm from India but I've been in Dubai since i was 2. The thing with Indians is u cant exactly go and tell them everything. Even if they are a doctor or a councellor. I comefroma a place where even looking at boys could get u into trouble. If word gets out that i've lost my virginity, the consequences are pretty horrible. Considering the family i come from, it can even lead to death. So i'm pretty hesitant to talk to anyone about it.

  • Hello, and welcome. It's lovely to see a new member.

    I wouldn't worry too much about the right label to match how you're feeling. What's more important is addressing the fact that how you feel has changed. You've identified that you're not as happy as you were, and you aren't able to make people laugh any more. These are signs that perhaps something isn't quite right for you just now. I'm not entirely sure where you're from (I'm thinking US?), but are you able to see a doctor without your parents consent? It might be worth having a chat to someone about all this. If not a doctor, then perhaps a trusted teacher?

  • I'm from India but i stay in Dubai. Well, its not easy seeing a councellor or teacher here. The people i know are pretty narrow minded. So talking to any of the teachers wont help. It'll ony make things worse.

  • Hi Peaches welcome to the Forum.

    I agree with Lucy that it doesn't matter about the label, Depression.

    Anxiety. Addiction whatever. You sound very unhappy and you need

    To talk to someone. Are you in U. K. A good teacher in school might

    Be able to refer you to a Counsellor.

    It's hard being a teen, and up and down moods are common in

    These years. So I think you know you need a bit of help, and I

    Really. Hope you can get that support to guide you through your

    Young years. It's also hard being the oldest in the family. As people can

    Feel you are more grown up than you really are.

    Peaches I do hope you get help and support as it will be good

    For you. Let us know how it goes

    Hannah x

  • Hi Hannah

    I'm from India but i stay in Dubai. Well, its not easy seeing a councellor or teacher here. The people i know are pretty narrow minded. So talking to any of the teachers wont help. It'll ony make things worse.

    Yea it is pretty hard being a teen. Being compared with everyone, friends, parents...Not knowing what i want or what others want from me... Its all very frustrating

    But thank you for ur support :)

    DD x

  • Escapism thats the trick, get out of your head! You must be wirling in circles. Your brain needs a rest, you need a rest and so what if you sleep all the time if it gives you some peace.

    Invest in yourself, look after you and try and stop worrying about everyone else they will find their own level. Read, read plays, listen to plays if you cant read, discover there are 1000 different ways to live your life and know that one day soon you will leave home and be able to seek your own way, your own fun. What does is hurt to daydream now about how you want things to be, the time will pass anyway.

    Just go easy on yourself, stop listening to the sad songs and find the ones about hope and strength, each time you find something that makes you happy reward yourself, make it a game. Your mission should you wish to accept it is to be determined to find something that either makes you feel better or feel good. As you focus on the good stuff, more good stuff will come. At home bide your time one day you will be your own boss in your own flat, with your own things.

    College well look at college for what it is, a chance to escape, if you can study I mean stuff you love not what you are forced to read, start there and build on that. Go back to science the answers are there.

    A little tale, a friend of mine had a niece she was anorexic to the point she had to have both hips replaced, not much older than you. She loved science, she worked hard at it and how she has a top job and through councelling got through her anorexia and enjoys a whole new beautiful flat to herself. And she is happy, so like you she was in the depths of despair, but she got help and everything turned around. If it can turn for her it can turn for you.

    Get help you need it now, but know that inside you, you have greatness and you can do this. Baby steps, first get better and then think about the life you really want and edge towards that. You have the one thing money cant buy, you have time on your side.

    Remember who you are and that teenage years are the worst of everyone, weather the storm and you will be stronger, you are already stronger than you think. Things will change they always do.

    If you could do one thing right now to make yourself feel a little happier what would it be, if you were your own friend, what would you say :-)

    Good Luck Angel and keep talking people here give the best advice XX

  • Thank you Caroline for taking ur time to read what ive written and reply to that. Ur words really help... :)

  • Indian how wonderful, my sister married and Indian, well then you already have the tools... meditation, try Peaches even if you can only meditate for a few minutes a day, you can build it up. It will allow your brain the rest it needs to stop going round and round in circles and give you a break!

    Indians are some of the most centred people I know and with all the varied religeons in India you live in harmony, the war with Pakistan was created by the Brits.

    One last thing try and read, try and find books in the library about ways of coping with depression and how to deal with difficult people, arm yourself. There are ways of dealing with your parents and improving things but it's a skill like any other and will take practice. Teach yourself, invest in you. You can do this, you're certainly smart enough.

    I really feel for you, teenage years are just something you have to go through, it doesnt automatically mean you have to suffer depression the rest of your life. Teenage years are a special time when your whole body is changing, not just your mind, try and remember that and have courage.

    You are doing an incredible job, dealing with so many things at once, you are much stronger than you think. If your parents wont let you out, ask to go out chaperoned. They are only being over cautious because they love you and that's the most important thing that you know you are a very much loved human being.

    Great to have you here Peaches, keep us updated (if and when you feel like it of course).


  • I think you made your self grow up to quickly by loosing your verginaty to soon. Could you not change you corse back to commerce, maybe getting back to your true friends would bring back your true self :)

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