Im a girl of 17 years. I'm not exactly sure if im suffering from depression and i need help finding out.
I've always been a person who's always smiling. People refer to me as "The girl with the 32 teeth smile". I try to make everyone i know laugh. I used to be very active. I used to play basketball a lot in school before. I had gang of best friends before. After grade 10, we had to split into science and commerce streams. My friends took commerce and i took science. I used to get along with everyone in my class but there are differences between us. It's not like how it was before.
I stopped joking in class. I barely talk. But till a year after this split i had no problem
Last year I lost my virginity. I couldnt tell anyone about it. I didnt like the fact that it happened. Even after that happened i slept with someone else hoping he would make me feel better.
Things only got worse from then.
There were so many fights at home for other reasons. My dad and i barelytalked in the past few years. Every time we talked it lead to a fight. My mom was almost always at work. And i am the eldest among my siblings. So everything that happened at home was blamed on me.
Until a few years back i didnt have any problems getting hit or being scolded. There were fights but i used to forget about it. I used to scream and fight back though. But now, whenever there is a fight, i give up. I dont feel like fighting back. Ive given up
I dont play in school anymore. I've lost hope in myself. I barely smile anymore. Even when i do, i know its fake. I haven't been happy in ages.I lost 8 kg last year because i never feel like eating. I cry for everything. I dont enjoy going out. I dont enjoy being with friends. I dont like being with family. I dont know whom to talk to anymore. I'm always sleeping. I dont feel like studying. I dont seem to remember what i study.
I'm not allowed to go out of home much so i stay within the 4 walls of my room. Once because my dad didnt let me go out, i cried and ended up cutting my hands. There are like 20-25 scars in each hand. I didnt cut because i wanted to die. But idk, i enjoyed the pain i guess. I swallowed about 15 panadols another time. I've even swallowed silica balls.
This is the first time I've ever opened up about any of this. I dont know what to do.
Am i just sad or is this depression?