A strange day that didn't really have a beginning. I say it didn't have a beginning because I didn't go to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, thinking about my Mum, and my family, and letting emotions spiral.
I got up at a point that seemed appropriate, and tried to function as normally as possible. I was aware that I'd missed a couple of tablets, so went to the shelf where I keep them.
I deliberated how to make up the missed doses without taking too many, and decided to take half a tablet this morning and a whole one tonight. I've done that before. But what happened next I haven't done before.
I knew I was doing it, but wasn't quite sure why, but I gathered up as many tablets as I possibly could and stuffed them all in my bag. I didn't plan on taking them, but I liked them all in my bag.
They stayed in my bag all day until I went to see my counsellor at 3pm. We went through all the usual stuff; how I was feeling, what had changed with Mum etc, and then I reached in my bag, took all the tablets out and put them on the table between us.
He didn't look shocked, but I think he asked me what my plans were. I told him I didn't have any plans, but that I thought that I should put them in the bin. I wasn't really listening to a lot of what he was saying, as I was so incredibly tired, but he kept mentioning having a duty of care and asking me why I'd brought them to my appointment.
I could only answer him as honestly as possible, and that was to say I didn't know why I'd put them in my bag. Because I really don't know. He asked me lots of times if I was planning on taking them and I said no. Which I wasn't. Not at all.
I told him again that I thought they should go in the bin, and he asked me why I hadn't just put them in the bin at home. I said that I didn't want them in the house, and that's when he offered to get rid of them for me. He asked me if I'd like to flush them down the toilet, or put them in the bin myself, but I said I didn't.
It was all very surreal, kind of as if I was watching someone else having this conversation with him. Anyway, the appointment ended and we booked another one. He told me to call him in the meantime if I need anything. Which I don't, and won't.
I then went home and had a huge sleep. When I woke up I was a bit confused about what had happened and actually started wondering if I'd dreamt it all. I feel a bit odd now, hence my trying to articulate my thoughts here.