Morning everyone!

Almost half way in to my six week break. That's enough to make a not - depressed person depressed, so I've got no hope!

Feeling a bit lazy this morning. Made a couple of phone calls to save money on my broadband etc, and now I'm lying on my bed doing a whole lot of nothing.

My big sister has arrived from North Wales and is staying with my parents. In a selfish way I'm enjoying her taking responsibility for Mum for a few days, so I can have a break. I'll still visit, but Mum will be wrapped up in her, which gives me some breathing space.

How are we all today?

Lucy x

48 Replies

  • Hi Lucy,

    It's sunny here. I've picked beans and frozen them so far and frozen some blackberries I picked out walking on Saturday. Just about to take the dog out. Feeling up and down. Okay so far today. I need to sort out the broadband too - especially the tied in landline you have to have! Sooo boring.

    Anyway, you are one of the least selfish people I've encountered so enjoy taking a break from the pressure. You need it as you are going to be emotionally and physically drained.

    Sarah xx

  • Hi Sarah how are you? I hope your ok today. It must be lovely to go

    Out picking blackberries and enjoy the country.

    You sound like you have a really nice life.

    Hannah x

  • That's just a small part of the edited story Hannah! I'm just south of London so a bit urban really. Also don't get a chance to enjoy things like that normally as have a full full full time job (with overseas travel to some far flung and not exotic places) but am signed off at present. So at least some positives. Lol

    How are you? You were going to let us know how the MRI scan and meeting with the consultant went. if I'm being noisy tell me to go away but I'd like to know you had some treatment plan to take away the pain.

    Sarah xxx

  • Hi Lucy

    Don't feel guilt about your sister taking the pressure off you. That's natural, it

    Gives you a chance to be you, chill out with your children, and rekindle that

    Witty lovely zany person I like so much.


  • Hi Lucy

    I'm in bed too, as always. Terrified of having to go for a review with the home care team at 2pm and then an assessment with a private psychiatrist at 4.30pm. My GP referred me and it went all so fast. This week was hell for me, I thought the walk with this guy on Saturday was good but soon after that I crashed again. Hubby has been yelling at me all day yesterday which made matters worse.

    My private medical will only pay for 6 initial treatment sessions and I'm worried the NHS will tell me today "well you have private medical so you are no longer our problem".

    I can't bring myself to do anything. I had applied for another job a few weeks ago and now was asked to do an online assessment today, which I did now, but could hardly cope and especially the section about personality "are you easily depressed" "are you often nervous" gosh - I did tweak it a bit but not too much as I hate lying.

    It's good you are getting a break. How do you motivate yourself to get out of bed? I'm so frustrated now. They don't believe me because of course, I will get up and go to the meetings, but only because I have to.

    I am so scared of what's going to happen to me, work wise, my marriage, the house I only bought 2 years ago. Everything is falling apart.

    Sorry for another rant :-( xx

  • Hi Silke try not to worry about meeting the Psychiatrist. If you

    Could meet a stranger the other day , meeting the Psychiatrist

    Will be a cakewalk, just get up and jump in your shower

    Silke it's very important that you are completely honest with

    Them. Tell them everything, especially about your marriage, it

    Sounds rocky to me. How long have you been married?

    Take. It day by day and try not to worry about your job or house.

    Is your husband helping out with Mortgage? Or does everything

    Fall on your head.


  • Hi Hannah

    Thank you for your kind reply.

    The house is in my name and so are all the bills because of his previous financial problems... After we got married 9 years ago, I found out he was in debt by 45k. That's when I had my first breakdown. We paid the debt off via an IVA for him, but he would have not qualified for a mortgage so soon. So yes we split the cost but he could literally just walk out on me and it's all in my name.

    The Satirday thing meeting a stranger, I know it was weird. I feel so silly about it. But today I have to go and talk again to a professional who will just say "you'll be fine, have some CBT" but they don't seem to understand how serious this is.

    I just wish someone could take me away from here and make me better. But the point is I have to learn to help myself - just that I simply can't. I'm sorry Hannah for the negative way I write, you are always so positive on here and so kind. I feel I'm probably bringing everyone down on here. :-(

  • Tell me something SLSL if money were no object live in your dream home on the beach, you and your husband have more money than you can spend in your lifetime, you have the yacht, the holiday villa, the Austin Martin, your own jet, you've been round the world twice and now you want to think about something you could do or make to feel even more fulfilled. You actually want to go back to working, what would you choose?

    Now I'm aware this takes some thought and what I ask is no small thing, but try for me SLSL.

    What job / vocation would bring you real joy, maybe it's a few jobs , an answer isn't needed anytime soon and you could reply in a new post if you wish.

    Please humour me, Im genuinely interested, dig deep and no matter how silly, childish, ridiculous, funny, crazy, looney or straight forward, tell me please :-)

    Take your time no hurry.


  • I would like to do a job in which I could help people.

    I work(ed) in Finance and I had several burnouts, I feel mostly incompetent and intimidated by my colleagues, and have lost all self-esteem in the process. The thought of having to go back is stressing me out so much that it makes my condition worse.

    I never cared about being rich but to have to worry about ending up on the streets is killing me.

  • Umm can I chuck something out there for you to maybe look into.

    I used to work with SMEs in fact I used to BE an SME, SLSL there are literally hundreds of small companies in London. ALL of whom need bookkeepers. Im sure you know but if you're a limited company you need an end of year accountant most of whom charge approx £1000/ £15000 to sign off your books. Bookeepers are paid approx £20 / £25 an hour and you might need one once every 3 months or if your successful even sooner than that once a month/ forthnight?

    New start ups generally are run by people flying by the seat of their pants, they don't just need accounts, they need hand holding, someone who can look at the books and tell them where the profit is. A real person they can relate too. Sure some people will simply use Excel but many more want someone who can explain about the paperwork etc, there is plenty of work and a real need.

    Your life could be going to 15 new companies over a matter of months in different locations, contributing to their chance to make their business work. You may well be dealing one on one with women like yourself, single operators. None of this need be corporate, think more cottage industry you could choose to work with creatives like me who are thankful for any help they can get. Small charities, in any field you like, the options are endless.

    You're a numbers girl, while you're in your bed have a play with this, work out how many clients a month you would need paying you £20 /£25 for how many hours to make a profit. Alot of the time you work at home but you also get to spend time (limited time with clients). You can also think of allowing some exchange clients ie you might exchange with a taxi firm, do their books for free, to get free transport to your clients.

    Think out of the box, you have nothing to lose, a few hours research and if Im wrong well call me out!

    I wish I had your talents, so many small businesses really need people like you, people who know what it is to be scared, depressed, worried, often they are fearful of the Tax man, Companies house, you could really help and these people are kind, passionate and not corporate wankers.

    My God if I had your talent thats what Id do AND when I was ready I'd do small workshops for those who cant afford a bookkeeper to show them how to do their own books with a small hand holding fee for on going support.

    Accountants rule the world, ain't that the truth.

    One last thing SLSL if you take me at my word mull this over for a few weeks and want to talk I will help you all I can. I will provide the motivation if you provide the knowledge :-) You know there's no shame in becoming a rip roaring success and working around your depression and even from your bed if you wish.

    Im being pushy I know, Ill back off, you have a fish and a hunt and just for a moment knock the doubting Thomas in your head ...on the head and see how it might just work for you. Read about others who have done the same.

    Big Kiss...Miss Smarty PantZ....I can count up to 20 you know...oh yes :-)


  • Hi Caroline that is amazing, Yes I agree that

    Silke has to think outside the proverbial box.

    I guess the problem is that when your ill

    1. Your confidence fall as to zero.

    2 Your not fit to make any real decisions

    But Caroline I think it's a great reply.

    You should be a life coach, you would be

    A great life coach.

    Why don't you think about writing a book.

    Hugs to you

    Hannah x

  • Dear, Dear Lady Hannah Im Dyslexic I cant write a book.....why the very idea, what next a man on the moon!

    Thank you so much.

    You're so right she may not be able to think of these things now but Im working on a drip feed system. It goes like this....

    Silke (what a lovely name)....reads and rebuffs my idea, gets a job and is at lunch 3 weeks later with a colleague they decide they would both like to leave their crappy job. The colleague ...we will call her Janey, announces she's starting a cup cake business!

    Silke will say 'you know Im good at numbers', Janey will say 'why don't you become a freelance bookeeper!' Silke will reply 'why thats a sterling idea' (as of course this is a story set in 1940s Britain in my head) and Taddar as star is born.

    Meantime I have been religated to the subs bench until another one of my hair-brained (don't you love that expression) comes about and suggest to Gemma that she become a trapeze artist in the circus!

    'Gifted' Thats what my mum used to call me....ha ha. For all that my Mum could be an evil old cow, when things went okay she had a cracking sense of humour, ipso facto (another great phrase) we all have a finely tuned sense of the ridiculous in our family.

    May the force be with you Hannah and of course Luna!

    You are the comforter Hannah and I am the pushy gal...not pushy but maybe just maybe provoke a new thought, thats really all I want. :-)

    Big Kiss x

  • Ah thank you Caroline. Your right that's me, big softie.

    I like your pushy ness. Don't see it as

    Negative, but good.


  • Thank you so, so much for trying to motivate me - I was gone for a few hours and see you spent all day brainstorming about Silke's future - where do I sign, please? :-)

    Thing is, Caroline, I'm not in the right frame of mind right now to think so much outside the box. But I appreciate so much that you are telling me that there are solutions out there. Just right now, I can't see it.

    You should be a life coach!

    Thank you again xx

  • P.S. Self employed bookeeper does not involve burn out. Since you mostly work from home you have time to workout problems in an easy environment ( No need to feel incompetent) and honestly you will probably make some friends for life. Small business owners especially in certain sectors are amongst the kindest most dedicated people you could hope to meet. Didn't they buck the rat race for the exact same problems you have encountered. Finally if you're going to say to me 'I am not a qualified bookeeper, well Lady Smart really how long would it take you to get qualified?) Maybe you will have to go to work elsewhere but doesn't stop you having and exist strategy does it?

    All my love...the pushy gal X

  • Hey

    I'm not an all rounder. I worked just in one boring specialised area and know nothing about profits etc. I can't handle the numbers anymore. :-(

  • Ooooh SLSL Im going to call you out, I think you can, I think your maths is good and to be a bookeeper you just need to add up the columns....go on humour me, look up the life of a bookeeper. You could probably qualify in no time and you really would be helping people.

    Just humour me, Imagine you SLSL start a business lets say it's a cupcake company ( and boy are they ALOT of those). You're a good cook, everyone has comment on your cupcakes and you have decided to take out a small loan and make a go of it! Your dyslexic like me, numbers are a complete blur and your frightened of them. Lets chuck in two kids and a husband who underminds you.

    You've managed to secure a commercial kitchen space for a year at a reduced rate after which time it doubles and you need to plan for that, but your not a numbers person. So you go to a network event or you look online and bingo you find SLSL Bookeepers for Dummys and people who are frightened of the Tax man....(this is run by YOU the bookeeper).

    You turn up as SLSL cupcakes, imagine how relieved that woman would be to meet and deal with a woman just like herself. Not some stuffy, scary corporate, whom she can't mention the kids too for not wanting to look unprofessional or how her husband doesnt support her. Sometimes people need more that mere bookeeping they need a friend, maybe one they only see every 3 months / fortnight but never the less, someone who wont call them stupid or make them feel in capable in their business.

    I'm just saying, you have a talent not just the ability to work with numbers but to connect to other people. Have think, no need to reply to me, sit with it for a bit, check it out online, this is a job that could enrich your life. When your ready, not right now, but and escape route from the 9-5 with those who dont understand you.

    And if it ain't bookeeping which I believe would be a natural transition from your last job. Then think how would you like to help people what would make you bound out of bed and run to the door toast in hand.....

    Good Luck I know Im not asking easy questions, just trying to get you think out of the box, maybe going back to work the old way need not have to happen.


  • Hi Silke, I would agree with carolinelondon, a lot of startup companies really need just an all rounder and having understanding of finance is all you need.

    I work for a tiny subsidiary of a very large company, the strangest place I have ever worked as the MD just thinks we are just all an extension of his family!

    There isn’t enough for me to do really, hence I am here again now! But the nice things about these jobs is that they can give you breathing space to both do other things and also have self worth that you are using some of the skills you already have.

    Some parts of my job I hate with avengeance, mainly because I feel so out of my depth at it! as I also have to be the HR person I go to pieces inside every time I have to do interview, which lately has been too often. I was saying this to one of my colleagues that joins me and he was shocked as he seemed to think I was good at it! how the heck I can project this outwardly with what is in my head I have no idea!

    I can imagine how daunting it must be to work in a cubical, there is a lovely song on youtube a parady on the James blunt song 'Your Beautiful' might make you smile when your feeling a little better xx.

    Mortgages can sure feel like a ball and chain, not worth thinking too far ahead with that one! I was convinced I was going to loose my home after my husband left and even worse when I got made redundant, but ten years down the line I could never have thought I got here! Yes there are still lots of money worries, but things are so much better than they were, and in all honesty if I had of lost the house at that time I think it would have been more relief at the time as I was in such a helpless state scarred of what was round the corner.

    A new direction in life maybe what you eventually take, but for now maybe just settle with the familiar and concentrate on your health. As they say, you cant take money or possessions with you once your gone.

    Don’t like the idea of the questionnaire your asked to fill in , I thought it was illegal to ask those sorts of questions! Now a days your not even aloud to ask how old someone is?

    don't underestimate what you do know either, even though you may not have all round experience, the specialised area that you do have is all you need, when I am asked to do something I am not sure of I just answer i'll get back to you, and then get onto google to find the answers! it's not always having the answers ready to hand that matters, just knowing where you can find them is what counts.

    Take care and hope you meeting goes well xxxx

  • Hey Moni

    Meetings went fine, well, let's say it was not a disaster. The NHS guys are just so all over the place, kept saying I can't bring myself to do anything and he said - and that was the only thing he could say - "fake it till you make it".

    But later I saw a private psychiatrist (through private medical) who talked more sense. The funds I have are limited but he said I should either admit myself for a week, or come to their daycare for a few days. I opted for the latter.. And now he'll speak to my insurance to see if they will agree to it. He was concerned about the thoughts I've been expressing (you know), and the fact I'm not eating, leaving the bed, said I had a nervous breakdown and that I should take it seriously and that being seen by NHS every few days with some repetitive advice will not make it better. Course they are a business but I trust the man, I saw him a few years ago, he remembered me and my story,

    And he said no way I can go back to work yet.

    Btw I failed the test. The HR lady called to say I was so close. The personality test was fine (ha, ha) but the aptitude I failed by a tiny margin. She said we don't normally do this but I will send you a new link, if you want to try again. The test was hard for a well functioning brain but for a fried brain?? I may try it again later or tomorrow but am so slow right now thinking numbers, logic, all that.

    I need to catch up on how you've been doing. Still confused with this site..

    Thank you for checking on me, hugs xx

  • Hi Silke, I just been trying to go to bed, but just cant calm down. it's been a manic day and would you believe this evening I put the dogs in the car and went for a walk!!!! then had a panic attach as I was expecting my daughter to pop round with her dirty laundry and she hadn't shown, I knew she was riding and wasnt answering my text so I got so worked up. she has had several accidents over the years including a broken back, so I fret a lot. Anyway she eventually showed up, but the nerves havent calmed down yet.

    You might be better not to try any aptitude test or any tests for that matter at the moment, you really don't want to put pressure on yourself until life is a little easier to cope with.

    It's so hard trying to find the right therapist, especially via the NHS, most seem to be practicing on the patients and when they get good the up and join the private sector!

    Your private one sounds nicer especially as he remembered you as well. It's a shame that some areas have more going on than others do, so you can try different approches.

    I think it was Sue that mentioned 'Mindfullness' which sounds a great thing to keep trying. Must admit I can't seem to get anywhere at the moment as my mind is just too crowded! but I keep trying to bring it back to the breathing.

    have you tried doing a few stretches every now and then? staying in bed is exhausting as much as running a mile!

    It's a shame you insurance wants to limit treatment, I suppose all you can do in that case is try and find out all the options and go for the one that will help the most in a short time, but gives you the information you need to continue helping yourself away from the therapy?

    Try not to think too far ahead, prioities are eating, drinking and just calming the anxiety really, once you have achieved that other things will start falling in place.

    hope you sleep well tonight xx


  • Glad your daughter got in touch Moni! And well done taking the dogs out!

    Yes I'll best leave the test till tomorrow; after eating breakfast. Have sworn myself to try to eat in the morning tomorrow plus I still have 8 bananas which are starting to go very brown!

    Will take one of the placebo sleeping pills now and hope they'll work. I call them placebo because they haven't worked last few nights. But I'll try again. Yes will try and stretch and take a bath tomorrow. If it counts I was driving round all afternoon with two intense meetings so feel like if done a marathon today :-)

    Sleep tight dear Moni.

  • you too, silke. I am going to try just counting one two one two, I read somewhere that you eventually fall asleep out of boredom!

    sweet dreams xx

  • Hi Caraline

    believe me anyone who does their own household expenses can be a bookkeeper, the basics are very simple to learn and everything else is just common sense, you don't even need to be good at counting! definately no rocket science xxxx

  • tsk Monib, Im in hock and I don't do household accounts, Im a creative, Ive just spent 3 hours trying to get my head round a repeat pattern for a design!

    Besides go on ask me, ask me.....2 + 2 right...=5 well it does when I'm in an arguement with the

    I think I may have been designed for a parallel Universe were maths is more flexible.

    Im not ashamed of my trouble with numbers, I know they just aren't for me but thanks for the encouragement and may I offer to do your books for you anytime Monib....yeah you see, you're not daft. I could start the accounts at the back of the book like the Chinese!

    In terms of numbers I have achieved a great BIG fat Zero today, but then with no sleep thats better than negative equity right ( what is that!, no no I know its something to do with mortgages....waaaahhh)

    I love your job, can I be in the family, I'm useless but quite entertaining and I know my TEAS! :-)

  • With your superb conversation skills we would open you with welcome arms!!!!

    We can sometimes be a bunch of hapless idots and it really doesn't matter, but the one thing we have got going for us there is it all revolves around working as a team and no one ever just does what they were employed to do, very occassionally we are just like families and also rub each other up the wrong way, but somehow we aways come back to loveling each other xxx

  • Ah Monib thats really great! You manifest that job young lady, well done!!!

    Well, I am a problem solver, get this so far my solutions (as proposed to my boyfriend) to the OZ problem have been...wait for it:

    1) BLOW IT UP!

    2) MOVE IT nearer.

    3) I have suggest I take my BF to a hypnotist who makes him believe he is in Oz when in fact he is here.

    4) My friend Matt a psychotherapist suggest he employ aversion therapy so the mere idea of going back to Oz makes my BF want to run in the other direction!

    and finally....

    5) I suggest why doesn't his Dad sell up and move here...hoorah!

    I used to hate interviewing, if Im honest I only EVER employed unemployed people and they got in mostly on whether I liked their hobbies, well I could teach them the rest, hardly rocket science....ha ha.

    Okay well I can start between 10 and 5pm otherwise parking becomes a problem, I need regular feeding and watering and No Gluten.

    Thank you. When do I start....ha ha

    Big Kiss Monib you big tease!

    As if I would give up the joys of trying to workout repeat patterns, to work at a real job, heavens what next....a man on the moon!



  • ah caroline you make me smile from ear to ear! love it!

    you would definately fit in with us at work.

    I am feeling better this week and had to think that just a week ago I had retreated to bed missing 8 days and just couldn't face going back. my MD was in the states on holiday for three weeks, so I just sent a mail saying I had a tummy bug. Had to go back last week to pay everyone or I think I may have become public enamy no.1.

    MD back this morning and typical father figure seemed to know there was something up with me, probably becuase he knows I had a melt down there 3yrs ago. So think my jobs safe for now, whew.

    Tell your BF he really wouldn't be happy in a country where you could put scorpions, spiders and snakes in his slippers and we don't have dangerous things like that in this beautiful country! his father would be so much happier here with our lovely cool wet summers


  • Monib you're a bloody genius! I hadn't even thought of the scope of insects! I'll have a think, but must go now, excuse me, its 'Im sorry I havent a clue' on radio 4' I shall return later.

    Thank you XX

  • So somethng like .....oh darling I dont know where I put that redback....ah youve found it in your slippers....soooorrry, so forgetful....ha ha.

    Unfortunately he's too nice for me to be able to do that with any real joy, unless you ask me when Im very very angry with him...ha ha.

    Youre smart and no mistake Monib!

    Pleased you're on the up, I hope it lasts a loooong time, well done!!! XXX

  • Beginning to panic now, I dont know what's come over me today, 24 hrs ago I couldn't stop crying and now I am just coming down from a bit of a manic session. I haven't stopped since 5am, house is spotless, managed a productive day at work, and then to top it all I have just come in from taking the dogs out for the first time in two months!

    I was expecting my daughter to pop round with her laundry as she usually has no clothes left by now, but there is no sign of her, so panic is setting in as she must have gone straight to the stables and rode first, she has had a few accidents over the years including a broken back! so I panic whilst I am waiting to get a reply from my texts! normally she answers imediatly.

    Sorry, sometimes it never rains but it poors! I know everything must be Ok, I'm just nuts.

    Whew, car just arrived! must go, have a good evening xxxx

  • Aha, found your news. Did your daughter get in touch??! X

  • Get a room you lot! I'm getting email notifications of your entire chat! :p

  • I agree Lucy. Lol

    It's like the mutual admiration society.

    Hannah x

  • Hi

    So sorry you went through this all last nght? Ive only just seen this now. Poor you, hope you're feeling better today. Its aweful when feelings creep up on you, but try and put it behind you, see it as a glitch, move forward angel....chin up. You're a very special person and I for one would like to see you happy or at least feeling ease today.

    Big Hug Xx

  • Thanks Caroline, I panic so easily! the poor girl is 27! and someone whould soon let me know if something was wrong, so I wish I didn't fret so much. We have had horses since she was 10 yrs old, and a few nasty accidents along the way, so as it gets dark my mind starts doing overtime!

    It was lovely seeing her (eventually) my world does tend to revolve around that girl.

    Unfortunately I spent the rest of last night looking at the clook every hour? but luckily it hasn't hit me yet and feeling OK at the moment.

    Hope you have a good day xxxxx

  • You're a Mum you're allowed to worry. Maybe just to ease your worry you could re-familiarise yourself with the stable, see whats new, who are horses etc what goes on, what new safety thingys are in place.

    Honestly your mind can frighten you to death. Often when you can see the reality things are less scary and you must own shes a much more experienced rider now, maybe you need to see her ride to really feel that.

    Just a suggestion, only trying to help. Ulitmately you know best, shes your daughter, I just want you to feel more at ease with all this.

    BiG Kiss XX

    Thanks, dont really want to go out so lets see if I make


  • Thanks Caroline, must admit I do miss all the years that I was the unpaid groom! did my back in a few times but was always worth it.

    Not so sure I like watching her ride, although I am always at the major competitions. Her passion is show jumping and my idea of watching is covering my eyes and holding my breath!

    I would trust her riding explicitly, and her current gege is an fantastic one, but the nature of the beasts can sometimes be a bit like us here on a bad day, just panic even if it's a tiny bit of reflective paper on the floor!

    Hope you manage to get out, were all here holding you hands!!!

    big hugs xx

  • Hi Silke oh please don't apologise, I never realised I was positive, I try and as you know it's not easy.

    Silke I feel for you as you are stressed out maybe more

    Than Depressed, you have good night into the problems.

    I know no one can exactly know what's going on with others

    Lives, but I feel that you are trying to cope with everything all

    On your own. Your husband should try and help and support

    You at this time., that's what partnerships should do in an ideal


    Silke just concentrate on yourself for the moment, do the

    Basic things. Too much stress can cause anyone to have a breakdown. Please never apologise to us, we understand.

    Silke I'm n bed resting at the moment. Feel v. Tired. Will try

    And write a post tonight about outcome of MRI.

    Hugs to and take it easy.

    Hannah x

  • Hiya Lucy!

    How are you? It's food to have you back in the UK, we missed you - well I did anyway. :)

    It's good that you sister has some involvement now with your parents, it will help to know she is having first hand experience of trying to help them and that she will have more idea of exactly how your mum is - it's often so hard to convey the state of someone in words isn't it.

    You enjoy the breathing space as you call it, and enjoy the break from teaching too.

    I'm fine. I don't mean marvellous - but I am managing well. I now go walking every week - 7 miles each time. If you knew me and my lifestyle inbetween you would think it crazy, I struggle sometimes to walk to the GPs which is only quarter of a mile - and yet in a group of lovely people I manage to find the energy to do the Ramblers walks each week. Every week I get home exhausted, but pay in advance so the next week I just get up and go however mad it feels - and it does feel a bit crazy, especially when I lift my rucksack and can hardly get it onto my back! You should see me too trying to get my boots on, my knees don't bend as much as they did, my hips hurt, and I wobble about trying to get each foot into the boots, then can't do them up without a step to help me as I can't get right down to the ground easily. But I do the walks and manage as well as anyone else. Yesterday the walk leader took us the wrong way so we had to climb an embankment on all fours in order to get to the correct path - I couldn't even move one foot up with the rucksack on my back - so the leader carried it for me which was good of him - then I managed to slowly crawl my way up. Another woman has arthritis and has to dope herself with heavy painkillers to even do the walk. BUT it gets us all out on a coach trip, into the beautiful countryside, and we all have a great chat and laugh on the coach, and usually end up at a pub with real ale - this week there was no pub, so we went to a café and had a huge plates of gorgeous chips! It beats sitting at home moping! Otherwise my life trundles on much the same and I just let the days pass, trying to lose weight and begin walking is enough for me right now.

    Take care, enjoy the summer, and enjoy your children, they will leave home soon enough - I wish mine lived in the UK.


  • Hey Sue!

    That's twice you've ended up on the wrong route isn't it? Think you might need to take charge of the next ramble! I love hearing about how much your enjoying these experiences, it's really positive. I'd love to do something similar if I had more time.

    I think I will feel completely lost when my babies fly the nest. Thankfully I've still got a few years left!

    Take care

    Lucy x

  • Hi Lucy

    Yes, twice lost! I am enjoying the Ramblers but feel absolutely exhausted inbetween and even wonder whether there's something seriously wrong with me because I can feel so ill a lot of the time. I'm going for various tests but feel as if I am just being neurotic - after all there can't be that much wrong with me if I can manage to walk 6 miles or so....

    Yes, I miss my children so much, especially my daughter, she and I are like best friends. We chat and laugh, and more importantly we really like one another. We are very alike in some ways, but totally different as well, and accept the differences which is good.

    You take care too, it's just good to have you back on the site in one piece.


  • Hi Sue, hope the sun finally came your way on sunday for the walk and it was a good one, even with the exhaustion that followed!


  • It did! Thanks for your good wishes, Suexx

  • Hi Sue

    I know you posted a few days ago about not feeling great, I meant to reply

    But was too tired, now I will have to reread your post to reply with any sense.

    Sue I think your amazing the way you joined the Ramblers, you really went

    For it, I really miss walking even to shops as I'm stuck at home.

    Its great that you could just get on with it no matter the obstacles, and even

    If your tired, it's great to be out in the country. It doesn't matter if

    You huff and puff, you are very determined. Also well done with keeping

    At the weight loss, Dieting I'm sure is hard and you feel deprived so

    Well done.

    It's great to be rambling the country in this lovely weather, will you go when

    It's cold and rainy? Although with he right rain gear it should not matter.

    I will have a look at last post Sue.

    Thanks for letting us know how you are, I love the way that you are so

    Open, I think I am quite closed as a person, but joining this site has been

    Good for me in that regard. I feel I have become more open and more

    Willing to talk about myself, my thoughts and problems and little worries.

    Hannah xx

  • Hi Hannah

    Thanks for replying, you are so good being able to manage to hold people in mind and remember things about us all - I can never do that, I can understand people well sometimes but can't hold the details in mind. I love the way you ask about different aspects of people's lives, or comment on them. I remember the person in a more general way but find it hard to remember all the bits attached to them, I envy your ability to do that!

    Yes, I am determined viz the Ramblers - but it feels a bit mad most of the time. I wake most mornings feeling exhausted, feel like an old woman, spend time doing nothing much, then suddenly put on this heavy rucksack - well it feels heavy to me - and go off with a load of walkers. I don't know how I do it, though I do, and I love the feeling of being able to join in with the others, especially the social aspect as I find many days I don't speak to anyone other than a few words in passing to my hubby. It's a lonely life not knowing people locally.

    I guess you are feeling that now too, the loneliness. It's sad you can't get out more, you obviously used to like walking. It must be really hard not being able to make it even to the shops, hopefully the spinal treatment will ease things for you and you will be able to get back into walking again. Die you walk in the countryside too?

    You say it doesn't matter about huffing and puffing and you are right, that doesn't bother me at all, and the funny thing is that I can manage some of the walk more easily than some of the other people - then suddenly I have to do something like get over a difficult stile, or climb on all fours up that embankment, and I realise how hefty I am (15 stone) and how stiff and old I am, and how embarrassingly unable to use my body well I am. I don't feel bad about it when I am with the walking group - they are all such a lovely supportive crowd - in both groups - and it feels like walking with a family of people who accept one another as we are and that feels good in itself for me, it's something I didn't experience within my own family.

    I am surprised you say you are quite a closed person! I see you as very open - but then realise that you are open in the way you respond to other people's problems but have tended to keep your own to yourself. When I read other people's replies to you I realise you must have said little bits about yourself but I haven't picked up on them and so feel I know very little about you. I find it really hard to connect bits and pieces about people - I tend to need to hear the bits of info in a story form so I can link them together in my mind. When I was a therapist I used to read back over sessions previous time and time again, and by doing that I got a sense of the person over time which enabled me to really KNOW them. Ideally I would do that about people on this website, read all Hannah's posts or all Lucy's posts and so get an overall sense of each of you, your family and life and interests, etc. So, sorry if I do not ask about things or comment on them, it isn't that I don't care but that I have this problem with holding onto things in my mind - the result of years of feeling isolated.

    Yes, it's interesting how joining the site enables each of us to find and express different parts of ourselves. When I finished therapy for good last year the therapist said ideally I could do with joining a therapy group and in a way the site is like one!

    You take care of yourself while you wait for the treatment. Do you have a garden you can get into - or perhaps you are in a flat, I think you once said you are... Can you see anything interesting out of your windows, people passing by maybe? I find not even being able to see people depressing. If you can't then you will have to spend more time online and talk to us here then you will not feel quite so lonely!

    Love and hugs, Suexx

  • Hi Sue thanks for your reply, yes I have a good memory or more I build you a mental

    Picture of everyone , plus their story's. Lots of people would not remember the sundry

    Details about everyone here, our Brain usually holds only what's relevant for us

    To function .

    Yes I do think you are great to do it, especially if you are not a nimble young thing

    0f 20 something . Sue I thinks it's a case of fake it till you make it, and as the

    Nike ad says " Just do it".

    When we are Depressed it's very easy to fall I to the way of saying " Oh when

    I lose 2 stone I will join the Ramblers or The Local Bridge Club". It's like putting

    Your life on hold, till it's this mythical read or perfect time. Sue you are so right

    " Just do it" as realistic ask we won't be able to do this later on in life. Our time

    Is shorter, so it's great to " Carpe diem". Or more to the point seize the rucksack.

    I am open maybe, but find it hard to say what's going g on in my life. I think it comes

    From growing g up I. A family where , No one said what they really thought , we

    Or I tried to accept situations even though they were hard. People often said to

    Me that I was very diplomatic, but it's my background stuff. We learned to paper

    Over the cracks of our childhood and only one sister I have can say to me " Yes

    hannah it was awful at times, because if you said what you thought to Mum,

    She could fly Into to a rage. I suppose I became a people pleaser or soother.

    Once when I was Depressed the Doctor asked me how I felt and I said I don't know

    How I feel, it's like I could not drag any feeling up.

    Sue sorry for going off on a tangent, but your analysis is always so great. Anyway

    I'm much better lately, at being assertive and saying what going on.

    Hannah x

  • sue sorry for typos, but it wi t let me edit my reply , you will get my drift.

    H. X

  • Ye4s, I do get your drift. :) xx

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