Feeling very lost

I am very lucky in the fact that I have been with my partner for coming up to 10 years. Last Autumn he finally made an honest woman out of me and our beautiful little boy was our ring bearer. It was the best day of my life and I keep trying to focus back to that day because since then it has gone down hill.

I have a long history of depression and in the past was able to talk to my partner about it but since being married I feel that I am no longer able to talk to him. I have tried on many occasions but I seem to be brushed aside and fobbed off.

I love my little boy more than anything and refuse to let depression get the better of me because he is my life but feel that I have been kicked to the kerb in regards to my husband. He doesn't listen to me in any way shape or form anymore and I am constantly losing battles with him over our son's discipline, clearing up after himself, helping me out and just generally listening. We use to be so close but now I feel like it seems to be heading the same way both mine and his parents have gone.

Please help

15 Replies

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  • Hi Hannah

    Sorry to hear you're having trouble. But well done for fighting the depression, keep going.

    Can I ask, since the wedding has anything changed in the household i.e. new location, job, other stresses?

    In the past when you spoke to your husband about the depression how much did he listen & understand? People listen but because of a lack of understanding they can get (for want of a better word) fed up of hearing the same problems - this can especially be true for a logical man as he will try to solve all problems & get frustrated if they don't get fixed, I'm like this & I do suffer from depression but get frustrated if someone else with depression has the same issues over a extended period of time (if that makes sense).

    Has the wedding changed either of your outlooks on the relationship?

    James

  • Hi James

    Thank you for replying.

    I got a new job literally 3 weeks before the wedding and started it as soon as I got back from honeymoon. I am now working every day until 3 when I pick up our little boy. I then come home, walk the dog, do all the chores as you can imagine and cook dinner etc. I seem to get less help now than when before.

    In the early days of our relationship I felt he listened and tried to help but now I am just a 'nag'. I try to do as much as I possibly can on my own as I have been brought up to be independent and I know I get constantly let down by him. Everyone seems to come higher up the list than either myself or our son. He can do everything for everyone else but when it comes to his own family he seems to brush us to the side with excuse after excuse. The best thing is I get told I only work part time and what am I complaining about.

    I feel he only married me because he was frightened of loosing me and our son not because of the right reasons to do so.

    Just writing this feels me with tears and sends gives me that awful feeling inside.

  • Hi

    I can only tell you how I act in a relationship which may give you a little insight into the male psyche. We are simple logical creatures that unfortunately are prone to taking those closest to us for granted. We wish we didn't & sometimes try not to but we always do. Sometimes we can spread ourselves a little thin by helping others that we do not have a much time or energy for those more important to us. Because that help is offered (sometimes before we've thought about it, again it's a case of 'problem, must be solved' mindset) but if you are asking for something, however small, then it's something he has to do as opposed to having a choice.

    I think the best way around it is to not ask for it (or reminding him you already have - this will be taken as nagging) but to perhaps put it to him as a problem & let him offer solutions.

    I myself know I should do more around the house, especially as the g/f now works part time, but I always think "I'll do it in a little bit" and end up forgetting & not doing anything & she finishes all the housework. I feel bad about it & everytime say to myself I will help next time but usually don't. It's not that I don't care but more a case of working all week & wanting to crash when I get home & not do anything but veg in front of the tv.

    With his job, has he taken on more work or stress lately?

    Do you expect more help because of your change of job/hours? Does he understand that you need some help?

    With disciplining your boy, is it that he is too harsh or too lenient?

    James

  • I think these are all very useful points. Also some people do change once they get married and maybe your husband is one of those people. You say you don't want to go the same way as both of your parent's marriages so that suggests there may be some sort of a pattern playing out within your relationship similar to that of both sets of your parents?

    It's a tricky one isn't it because I've heard that the three most dreaded words for a man coming from a woman are " We need to talk" as they don't like all of that usually; so maybe like James said try out a few things. Maybe just say "Could you do help me with ...... please?" and see what happens. It sounds like it could be deeper than this though with you expressing those thoughts about why he married you in the first place. Is this really true or just a fear?

    How do you feel about your job at the moment? Is it stressing you out? Do you need to do it for financial purposes or could you change and still have enough money?

    I would say counselling with relate could help; maybe just go yourself rather than involving your husband as he may see that as threatening at the moment.

    Regarding your depression, yes so you have it and you cannot help that; although actually seeking out counselling and support from elsewhere rather than within your relationship may help with that as well. Some men just concentrate on wage earning feeling they are providing; eventually you may need to have a discussion with him over this but for the moment think about the things you can do to get support for yourself outside of the relationship and work at trying to find more time to do enjoyable stuff together and so on.

    Without knowing any more those are my thoughts at the moment.

    Gemmalouise X

  • Morning James

    Thank you so much for a little bit on an insight into way men see things. That is pretty much like my husband. He tends to do very similar to what you have described above.

    He took a pay cut at the beginning of the year, which I know has stressed him out and the small family company do not seem to be helping much with his worries. To add to it, we have had a rent increase on the house this year, which I have offered to pay the difference so that he has not got to worry about it as much.

    I know he works hard at his job and sometimes there are pressures on him, I do try to take this into consideration and 'lay off' him in regards to the home but sometimes I engage my mouth before my brain and say things that seem to be very blunt or rude.

    I have very gently approached that I need help and he now does the little boy's pack lunch in the morning whilst I am walking the dog and getting our little boy ready for school.

    With regards to disciplining our little boy, he use to be so laid back with him it was ridiculous. Now it seems that all he seems to do is shout and holler at him. I know all 6 year olds are testing in different ways, I have to put my hand on my heart and say I use to get very stressed and angry but realised this was not getting results so of course changed my tactics and it seems to be working. But when I do reprimand our little boy, he belittles me in front of our boy and feel I no longer have any authorisation. I have asked him not to but it falls on deaf ears.

  • Hi Hannah

    My first thoughts are he is very stressed. In men stress & depression can manifest themselves in being iritable & quick to losing temper - I have been like this the last 6-12 months. I sub-consciously realised but didn't know until I consciously realised it (if that makes sense) and now bite my tongue a little more with those around me and try harder not to shout & lose my temper.

    I'd bet my house on him being stressed & worried about finances but doing the usual English man thing of stiff upper lip & all that BS and trying to deal with it within himself so as not to worry you. He's thoughts will be "well I'm worrying about it so what's the point in both of us worrying about it?" He'll think he's doing whats right by you & your son by trying to be strong & be head of the house.

    I can only suggest what I think would work with me. I think it would be better to allow him to continue to think as the head of the house & therefore still making most of the important (worrying) decisions about the finances (because of being the main bread winner as it were). The suggestion you made about helping out financially was a good one, perhaps take it a little further say you have the money available (obviously when you do). That way it gives him an immediate answer to a potential problem.

    Also well done with making the packed lunch, great move. That means he is doing something directly for his boy. Try & coax the little lad to saying he liked his packed lunch today & say "thanks daddy" and give him a hug. Trust me that will make him smile & take a lot of the days stress away. As this worked you could always add a few small things onto it. Perhaps you could both read a bed time story to your son? That would give you all quality time together and destress everyone.

    With the discipline he really should back you up & not show you up, that will be damaging to you son in the long run.

    Sorry if the above seems like it's you doing all the work & having to pander to your husbands ego. Of course it shouldn't be like that all the time & I'd hope/imagine it wouldn't be all the time.

    Hope some of this helps or makes sense.

    James

  • Hi Hannah

    How you doing, how are things with your fella?

  • Morning James

    Well things went from bad to worse last week. He accused me of lying over something incredibly petty and then to add insult to injury he said that since being married I was dragging him down. As you can imagine the bottom fell out of my world. We did not speak for 3 days. I wanted nothing to do with him and was ready to pack a few things and move out for a while. I did ask him to leave but he wouldn't so was not left with a lot of choice.

    However, we both calmed down and have admitted that neither of us are perfect but things do need to change. I nearly fell of my chair when I found out he had done some of his own washing. This is being brought up every day; he says he does not want praise but I am sure he wants some form of recognition which I have done.

    It was an ok weekend but think being over my brothers for most of it helped as I was off helping my sister in law and he was busy with my brother.

    Woke up this morning and the moodiness started because he had to help so I said as little as possible not to start the fire again so to speak.

    I am going to the doctors today in regards to a chest infection and am going to have a chat with him about things.

    How are you??? Hope you are feeling a little better x

  • Hi Hannah

    Sorry to hear things got worse. It sounds to me that he may be doing some washing because he knows he was a bit out of order to get so upset over something petty & saying your dragging him down. He''ll know he was wrong to say that & this might be a way of saying sorry. I'd recommend giving him a hug & hold him close & say "thank you for helping". That will also help you & hopefully help you feel a little happier about things.

    Wonder if he was a little moody this morning because he has to go to work? I know in the past when I had a stressful job I wouldn't sleep very well on a Sunday night because of thinking about work & what I have to do the next day. It would then mean I was very tired which I knew would make the day more difficult.

    I hope I don't overstep with this next suggestion, but give it a little thought because it could be what you both need. Later once you've put your little boy to bed run a bath. Do the whole "girlie" thing & use bubble bath, candles & possible some quite relaxing music on low. Once it's ready go to him, grab him by the hand and look him in the eye tell him you love him & for him to follow you. Have a relaxing bath together (you could put some vapor stuff in the water to help your chest infection) relax, chill & wash each other. Tell him you are washing off the bad vibe from the other day & it will be gone. You are now both going to both be clean of the arguement & refreshed. It will relax you both & connect with each other at least for the evening & not worry about anything else but each other. I'd be surprised if he is moody tomorrow morning :)

    James

  • Dear James

    Most definitely, I thought exactly the same so instead of making anything out of it, I just left him to carry on with his own washing and I did mine and my sons.

    That is not overstepping the mark at all, I think you are right. He is constantly saying he is second fiddle to the boy and dog etc so if I make a conservative effort it could make a difference.

    I will give it a go and let you know.

    Thank you again xxxx

  • Hi Jim Don when you reply to Hannah 78 will you say Hannah 78 , otherwise they will

    Think I have a new man and a child ! At my age . Lol.

    Hope your well today.

    Hannah

  • Haha ok fair enough :)

    Am doing ok which makes a nice change. Don't know why but just enjoying not beating myself up at the mo. How you doing today?

    James

  • Ah good James. Yes we are much harder on ourselves than we would be with others.

    I'm fine thanks, but I get very tired and sometimes it's a real struggle to do what I need to do. It could be blood pressure Meds, since starting them I feel tired a lot.

    I would have been quite active

    And energetic before, it's often hard to know if I'm imagining it. Your probably sorry you asked me know .

    You always come across as upbeat too.

    Thanks

    Hannah

  • I come across as upbeat? Really? Hmm thanks I didn't actually realise. I think I try to encourage others on here because I really don't want people to struggle like I do. I probably mask a lot online as I do that a lot.

    Meds are a funny thing. As soon as you start taking them if anything is different or perceived to be different with us we wonder if it's them. or maybe that's just me lol.

    Is lack of energy a side effect of them?

  • Hi Hannah sorry your feeling so down.

    What age is your little boy? You mention problems with disicpline and helping you

    Out in the home. As Jim Don says " What has changed " have you moved or does

    He have more stress?

    Try not to imagine that you will end up like others whose marriages have ended,

    It's hard to advise as I don't have enough information. Do you find time to go.out

    Together?

    It might be good to talk to him about going to relate. Hannah it's all about

    Communication, if you feel you could communicate with him before , I wonder

    What has changed now. All couples go through ups and down.

    Hannah look after yourself and try telling him how upset you are about all

    This. Do you have a support system, like a friend or work friend that you could talk

    Too.

    Keep posting and let us know how your getting on

    Hugs

    Hannah

    X

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