A meaning to life

A 44 year old man. No partner, no children. Siblings have no children. Mum is 76, Dad died 4 years ago. What is the point? Its pretty unlikely I will have any children, my mum will die in the next 10 years. Work although well paid has no meaning, value. The thing that has got me down is the 10-15 years. Failed relationships, no children, increasing sense of isolation, lonely. Realisation that my job is meaningless and will continue so. Its hard to see a reason to live. There is no future that is worthwhile to me.

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  • Hi Humphrey sounds like you are feeling very Depressed right now. I can empathise

    With a lot of what you say as I do t have children and live alone.

    I know I get like this sometimes and life can be lonely, and hard at times too

    We just have to find something we enjoy and try and do that sometimes, I just keep. Going and try to take it day by day, I realise that we change all the time. I read, cook and do some crafts, but this underlying Depression is always below the surface.

    Humphrey I'm not quite sure what to say to you, except I can see how your feeling

    What kind of things do you enjoy doing? I think trying to do more if this helps me.

    Plus posting here.

    Have you ever done any CBT or Therapy, this has helped me. Ok talk again.

    Hannah

  • Crikey, you paint a very accurate picture of hopelessness don't you? The things that are making you miserable would make someone else quite happy. It's all relative. You'd love to have some children, I'd love to know my Mum might live for another ten years. Your job is meaningless, someone else has no job. I'm not saying that what you're down about is not important, but something inside is letting it consume you. There's no point in telling a depressed person to get over themselves; the very reason you're depressed is because you aren't able to do that. You do, however, have some influence over your own destiny. Can you change jobs? Retrain perhaps? If the government get their way, we'll all be working 'till we're 75, so you've certainly got time on your side. As for a relationship, are you getting out and meeting people, or surfing the net looking for odd-bods who have no intention of meeting you?

  • Hi Lucy

  • Hey hey! X

  • Humphrey42 you're a man and you can still have children at 44, it is very different for women who are expected in David Cameron's big society to procreate. Who knows what the future holds.

    I knew of a guy who had given up on everything, he met a girl he knew from school, they dated, got married and last year he had a baby boy. He had his first child at 46.

    I can relate to how you feel about failed relationships it is just soul destroying and makes your depression worse. Isolation is equally heartbreaking. Everything you mentioned I totally understand. I don't have the answers, I wish I did. If I had my way I remove depression from peoples lives, because it's horrible.

    I was reading the paper recently and this ad struck me. It's about volunteering an elderly person who is lonely, isolated and they have absolutely no one. I got home, downloaded the application, went for the interview and training and I'm now ready to be matched as a befriender. I am really trying to change my thoughts and feelings about being isolated, feeling lonely and having no friends who support me. (Apologies I didn't want to hijack your post.)

    Yes, easier said than done, but Humprey42 make small baby steps.

  • That's great Viktor well done. I got close to a very nice elderly lady in my mum's care home. After she died I started visiting her. We decided as she had no daughter and I had lost my mum we would be surrogates for each other. She has very few visitors so I feel good about seeing her and I know she looks forward to it. I do too. x

  • what a lovely thing to do Viktor :)

  • Thanks hamble99b.

  • Great Viktor that was a good idea. It's so sad to be old and never have anyone call.

    Hannah

  • Thanks Photogeek.

  • Humphrey I can completely understand that your life circumstances are getting you very down. Being 44 and unmarried and without a partner and children and a very small immediate family is not the life you would have wanted for yourself from what you have described and we need these kinds of relationships to give our lives meaning. I wonder why it is that the relationships you have had did not work out? Does it tend to be the same sort of pattern each time? It may be worth you seeking counselling to help you understand what happens in these relationships so your next relationship is more fulfilling and leads to what you want in life.

    It is not too late for you to get married or have children and if that is what you want then I should go all out to get it. You are probably feeling down about the job just in the context of your whole life feeling pretty pointless at the moment as you are not happy or fulfilled in your emotional life.

    Cognitive Behaviou Therapy could be useful if you need practice with social skills or if you think it is down to more deeprooted problems then a more ananytical approach such as cognitive analytic therapy may fit better. These therapies are sometimes available on the NHS but they can have waiting lists Alternatively if you can afford to you could consider seeing a private therapist maybe.

    Gemma x

  • Hi Humphrey I am in the exact same situation as you minus the well paid job. I have 3 sisters and only one of them has a grown up son. I was very rarely included in their outings when he was young and I don't speak to her any more anyway. My dad died 5 1/2 years ago and my mum last June. The good thing about being a fella though is that you can still have kids at your age - woman generally can't. The only family member I see is my middle sister. The eldest one is a recluse and I see her about 3 times a year if that! Life does seem pointless sometimes - I know exactly how you feel. Don't have any answers I'm afraid. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. x

  • hi Humphrey, I think when we are deep in a depression, as you seem to be, nothing anyone can say will seem to help, but we do absorb the messages and the hope, and they gradually start to seep into our thoughts and help change some of our thinking - that is a part of why cbt works.

    cbt looks at what we do, how we think, reason and feel and then tries to help us change our approach to things, our lives, thoughts, relationships.

    the difference between cbt and some other therapies is that we are in control.

    we learn what it is we want and then the counsellor supports us to make our own choices - this sounds scary and instantly you think "I can't do that" but it is a well trodden path and is gradual, totally at your own pace. I found it gave me back to me.

    my poem "umbrella" was written at home during my cbt counselling.

    I'd felt life was closing me down into smaller & smaller spaces I imagined I was inside an umbrella, one of those clear ones that you could cover your head and neck.

    the world was carrying on outside - happy, smiling, busy people with "normal" lives, while nothing touched me, I was numb.

    cbt helped me open up my life in small, manageable baby steps, mini 5 or 10 minute tasks that I could cope with & do.

    my confidence grew.

    I still have incredibly low and lonely periods, but now I know that, no matter how bad it gets, it can never be as bad again as the moment before I told someone and reached out for help.

    How / Why do I know that? because I now know (what I didn't know then) that I have been there, but now I know that I came through it then and will again, my hope comes from me!

    different therapies work for different people, please give them a try.

    if you don't think your counsellor is right for you, ask for a different one - I did and it was much better.

    I wish you peace in your heart and mind.

    regards,

    h. :)

    I may share this as a new post, but my answer to you is sincere and I hope it may help you humphrey.

  • I was having a bad evening, feeling lonely. I have taking control recently. Walking to work, eating better. Buying new clothes, haircut. The best thing I have come across is BACE. Body, Achievement, Connection, Enjoyment. You can do it daily, weekly. The evenings and weekends are the killer. Its good to be alone, but its good to be connected.

  • It's really nice to read this Humphrey42.

  • That sounds good what you are doing Humphrey.(BACE) Yes we all need connection and that is a big reason why this online community works for me. Also our moods fluctuate of course and it is fine to post when you are completely lonely and at a low ebb as many of us get like that and we are here to support each other no matter what in the good times and the bad . Hope today is a good one for you. :)

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