I feel pretty low today. Partially this is because I'm bored. I'm working my notice period and I'm being given very little to do. I'm spending my days at work twiddling my thumbs, with the exception of my lunch breaks (like now....). I have no objection to being paid not to do much, but I get frustrated thinking about the more productive and confidence building things I could be doing outside work. I would take leave, but I don't have any to take...
More generally, it still takes such a monumental effort to do anything sometimes. My mind has become a thoroughly well-oiled positivity filter. It dispatches any achievements or positive thoughts about myself for six with ruthless efficiency, so it can get back to dwelling on screw-ups and failures. I know this is all included in the whole depression subscription package, and I know how to deal with it. It's just that....I wish I didn't have to. I know it's pointless to pine for normality, but I can't help it sometimes. I have to laugh morbidly to myself when I hear people talking about their aspirations for their lives. Mine is to one day not have to hold a mental fist fight with myself every time I have to or want to do something.
I don't really help myself either. I demand perfection of myself, constantly. I seem to want to be emotionally superhuman, in a way I would never expect of anyone else. I think I just want to make a difference, pretentious and pious as that sounds. People talk about dying with no regrets, dying with no regrets for me would be to know that I changed things, that I helped people, that they felt better about themselves because of me. I think that's probably an unrealistic expectation to have of myself, but I don't know what I would replace it with.
If anyone else said what I've just written, I would be heartened by it. Coming from myself, I suspect I sound like a self-righteous **** (insert swearword of your choice). It seems arrogant to think I have that much influence on others, or to think that I am anything other than a leaf on the breeze of life. It's like I've had so much exposure to people who have twisted everything about me into a negative, that I've actually started to do it myself.
Anyway, back to the thumb-twiddling. Just needed to let that go....