Choking

[Blaqueen]

I'm choking with sadness.

My depression has swept over me this afternoon like a cold, foggy, autumn night..........I say "my depression" because somehow, it's unique to me - it's taken over my mind in a way nothing else could ever do.

I know you all suffer from it . . . but my depression's unique to me as yours is unique to you.

Now it's strangling me………….I feel as if I'm swallowing a golf ball.

I'm in the company of two of my best friends - and yet feel possibly the most isolated I have ever felt.

My other half - the one I wrote about in my last blog - has been bastardly to me this weekend.

He's done nothing to suppress my incline that he's been with someone else. I'm not a jealous or possessive person but his silence is deafening . . & when we speak he's nonchalant to say the least.

I know I need to get rid but right now I don't feel I can cope.

There is a part of me that once again has that all too familiar intrinsically fatalistic feeling……….y'know the one I mean . . . . .that feeling that says "I don't want to be here anymore" to be honest.

What the **** would it matter whether I was or wasn't. Every one's living their own, vibrant successful lives…….I am not.

My life is entirely void of vibrancy or success ………and this feeling of uselessness is overwhelming.

I have resolved to began taking my citalopram again.

I've been off it for 3 months now - my OH says I've been really strong and shouldn't take it again but I see no other way.

He's shown he has little interest in my well-being and if I don't, I risk straying to the point of no return…..and while I sit here, inconsolable, thinking that'd be a good idea right now, there's a little voice, deep inside me pulling me back.

xx

[Suzie40]

If by OH you mean 'other half', I'd say he gave up his right to have an opinion on your well being, when he starting locking you in his house. It's none of his business whether or not you choose to restart the meds. The little voice is advising you wisely. Keep listening x

[Blaqueen in reply to Suzie40]

xxx

[David196]

I know those feelings of isolation and uselessness as well as the lack of support. Part of me knows it is the disease, a little voice somewhere that knows most of my negative thoughts have no justification. We all have our unique pressures and responses that affect our situation but I try to remember everyone has their hidden challenges. It took a while for me to accept that my counselor was right when he said no one has a perfect life and we all have a public face to hide our problems. When i do summon up the courage to speak with old friends they all have their issues too.

I do know that citalopram helps me and if I miss a day I feel worse later in the week. When it first kicked in, after a few weeks taking it, I felt more my old self for the first time in years.

i realised it was an illness I had that drugs could influence and not just me being useless.

For me, being strong is accepting I need support. If I cant get it at home I'll seek it here and I'll keep taking the tablets till I can sort out my negative thoughts. I want to hang on to my little voice and help it grow enough to obliterate the other voices.

[Blaqueen in reply to David196]

David . . thank you! Knowing I am not alone - but in the company of amazing people such as yourself - is of greta comfort.

Keep being strong xxx

[David196]

Blaqueen, Many thanks. I just joined this forum today. Being strong now includes sharing and supporting for me.xx

[Blaqueen in reply to David196]

It's wonderful isn't it! xx

[Sherston]

Why do I feel so alone? in a crowd of people I know, is it wrong to feel so insecure...

From a song by Life of Agony but it holds true, certainly for me sometimes and probably for you. If it helps, the meds, do it. Some see it as a crutch. My former did, soon as I had a good day on them, she was keen for me to come off them.

All the best.

[Blaqueen in reply to Sherston]

Thanks for taking the time Sherston. God bless xx

[coatpin]

You need to think of you,,, get on those tablets it sounds like you needed them for longer,,, and you have taken a slow decline. A big one at that,,, accept you need the chemicals to replace the chemicals that are not working .

ITS NOT A FAILURE.

Your very depressed, you need to accept it. When your feeling better you need to deal with those other things. Which of course you have too. It seems hes lost respect for you. maybe hes frustrated with the fact your depressed and wont take the pills you need to feel better.

help yourself ,,,,,

[Blaqueen in reply to coatpin]

Sage advice! Many thanks for your time xx

[Sherston]

How's it going with the OH?

Also, have you gone back on the tablets yet?

[scoobydoo123]

Keep strong, take the tablets and when you are stronger get the other half out of your life. He is not good for you and you deserve someone who loves you unconditionally x

[Sherston]

Unconditionally? Do you have that then?

I found out that to some, love is conditional.