After breaking down in the office on Monday and crying, because I felt so lost and isolated, surrounded by people, my wife decided she'd had enough.
It's got to the point where I can't function any more. Work is hopeless, I'm so guilty about my failings as a father and socially, well, I stopped bothering with friendships many years ago.
So my wife booked to see the doctor and came with me for the first time ever. Naively, she believes that because I am sick to the point where I can barely face a day and want to kill myself, that all she has to do was tell them to help me and they would.
Sadly, some of her optimism even dusted onto me, thinking that with her support, maybe I'd finally get onto the road to some sort of solution.
Of course not. Met a doctor whose only experience of depression and anxiety is academic. She must've mentioned CBT 20 times before I explained that not only have I had CBT over the phone, the internet and face to face, but that I've done my own reading into the history of it, the rationale, the leading thinkers and innovators in the field and listened to audio books, read academic papers etc. Here's the truth, it's not a silver bullet and it just doesn't work for me.
She gave me 4 days worth of diazepam which took the edge of and then I went back in today, the interim to give her time to read my notes and determine a course of treatment.
More blathering about CBT and a refusal to prescribe more diazepam (because dependency on that would be worse than me wanting to kill myself, obviously) and the ultimate decision that she'd put me back onto fluoxetine, a drug which I've been on before but which a previous GP had switched me off of, albeit at such a low dose, I think she's taking the Mick.
Thanks to yet another experience with the medical profession and their failure to offer any real solution for my illness I've now made my decision. As I told the booksmart, streedstupid gp girl, living another potential 50 years like this is not an option.
Since there is no help or treatment available the choice is made for me. It will take me some time to arrange things, as I want to get as much sorted out as I can, but I've accepted and decided that ending my life is the only treatment available to me.