I don't know what's wrong with me, I used to think I knew, but now I don't have any clue. I feel so lost and confused in myself, I can't even come up with a list of things that COULD be wrong, I'm that confused. (That sounded like some sort of poem or book, lol!)
I take 80mg of codeine per day, 5000mg of paracetamol per day, I eat less than 700 calories, I smoke up to 30 cigarettes a day, I hardly drink water, I only leave my bedroom to go to the toilet or to ask my mum for more painkillers. What the heck is this? I'm only 18!
Others my age are going in to town drinking, studying at College, smothering my Facebook wall with happy stories, having the time of their lives basically. And here I am, alienated and lethargic. I feel ill all the time, yet there's nothing physically wrong with me, I've had blood and urine tests done = nothing!
I'm not your average teenager, I hate socializing and will do anything to get out of it. I feel so depressed because anxiety ruined my School and College experience, I skipped classes constantly and was always bullied, for no reason.
Now I'm an 'adult', and my childhood experiences have left me completely afraid of the outside world, I don't even walk my dog, or step outside the house for that matter, yes, I'm 100% serious. I don't bath for weeks, my hair is all matted, not tangled, MATTED! Because I'm too depressed to brush it, or wash it. I never brush my teeth or even look in the mirror, I wear pajamas's all the time. I sleep all day and awake all night playing on my Xbox, talking to people I don't even know, that live miles and miles away. I have a fiance, that I only see once per week, and that's reluctant, if I didn't want to upset him, I wouldn't see him at all. I hate humans, can't stand them, if anybody invades my 'bubble' or my bedroom, I get very upset and want them out, I'm quite happy spending my entire time alone. I never get intimate with my fiance, not even a cuddle, it makes me want to puke.
I am seeing a drug rehabilitation therapist currently, and have been through countless other therapists and family workers, but none have given me any sort of insight as to what exactly is wrong with me.
I feel reckless, wanting to mix with the wrong people, disobey, mess my life up completely, and I feel sad for wanting that, but I can't help it. I want to be 16 again, go back to College, when I was 16, that was the only time I was happy, when I was 17 I fell depressed again because I dreaded becoming an adult, and now I am an adult, with my job seekers appointment tomorrow, oh what a joy it is to live - NOT. I can't work or study, because the anxiety and lethargy is so strong. I can barely stand up without wobbling, falling over and walking in to things, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack or something, I'm really un-fit.
It has been this way for 2 years solid, I'm not living at all, just existing. Congratulations to all the horrible people that have made me this way, you've succeeded, hope it was worth it!