I am trying to be brave

I have been married15yrs and sometimes were not pretty my husband has on two occassions maybe more has held my wrist so tightly that I bruised and held me down by my neck with threatening to punch me, stupid me forgave him and just recently he grabbed hold of my wrist and hand and used in like the karate people who want to break blocks with their heads, my wrist has been sore but no visible marks. Anyway I have come to a decision that I have to leave him. On the day it happened I phoned the police believe it or not by accident explained to them what had happened, they were by my door within 10min I begged them not to come in but they said it was for my own safety and that I had reported an assult. Any husband taken away, police could not interview him because he was still under the influence of booze, but when he gave his statement he declined everthing. They asked if I wanted to press charges and truth be told I did not know what I wanted at the time so opted for no charges. He came home and walked in the house like nothing had happened no appoligy, no questions, no nothing. I have been sleeping on the seatee for 2 and 1/2 weeks and dam I to be free from him. I have three children and it is taking a toll as he is being normal? and I am sleeping on the sofa. so so so tired.

x Kermi

27 Replies

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  • Hello

    I'm so sorry that this has been happening and please don't say 'stupid me' because you are absolutely not. You sound like a really brave person and I'm sure it took a lot to come on here today and post.

    I think leaving him is the right decision and I respect that it won't be easy with children involved. You have some decisions to make.

    Do you think he may harm the children? If so, you can contact your local women's refuge or social services. Only you can really know the likelihood of that, but I would urge you to consider his unpredictability.

    If you think you're ok for the immediate few days, plan your get away. Don't worry about material things. Take some clothes and arrange to stay with a family member if you can.

    And please stay here and let us support you.

    Lucy x

  • thanks Lucy, he has not harmed the children , and I am afriad of his unpredictability. i am awaiting phone call from social services. xx

  • I'm so glad you have called them. I will be thinking of you tonight x

  • Well done on calling them. I know that must have been difficult.

  • Hi Kermit,

    Agree with everything Lucy and Bev have said. From the point of view of someone who works for a Council...go to your County Council (or City if you live in a city) and talk to Social Services. They will know temporary places you can go, shelters and so on. They can also help sort out long term things like housing, and any benefits you might need to keep up income. Hopefully they would be better able to give advice on legal positions and what to do as regards the children as well.

    They should have duty officers available to speak to people, I would go asap if I were you - maybe tomorrow if you can - just ask at reception and say you need advice from a Social Services officer. The sooner you get "in the system" the better

    I'm really glad you reported to the Police, as I know from work experience that will help you get the support you need from the system.

    Good luck, please let us know how you're doing. I know how a lot of Council systems work from my job (Social Housing, Housing benefit, Council Tax support and so on) so if there's anything at all that you think I can help you with at any point, please let me know. :)

    Themys

    P.S. Great username! Can I be Animal? :)

  • Thank you Themy, will look into your advice. thank you.xxx

  • Hi Kermit you were very brave to post this. I got married at twenty two , we did not have children. He had a terrible temper and I was afraid of him, could not talk to anyone about it. The first time he was violent to me I too left and stayed with woman I worked with. I had to go home eventually and like that he showed no remorse at all and no apology. The violence continued and I left after putting up with him for thirteen years.

    My only regret was that it took me so long. I left In1984 and things were much more

    Narrow minded.

    Please Kermit you must prepare to leave but do so safely, it's a very dangerous time

    When you decide to leave as the partner could get very angry and many women

    Don't even live to tell the tale. No one deserves to be beaten or punched and your

    Children will affected by seeing this

    Don't wait for it to happen again, seek legal advice immediely, your Citizens Advice

    Could help you with this. If you go to see a Solicitor you will be able to get him To leave.

    You have the right. To get a barring order against him , it doesn't matter that

    You were too scared to press charges the last time. See where your local

    Women's Refuge is, they helped me to get the courage to leave. They made me

    Feel that I was worth something and this behaviour was totally unacceptable. They

    Have a Help Line and I think it would really help you to talk to them even on the

    Phone at first.

    It will be hard to leave as I used to forgive and always hoped he would change but

    Once that boundary is crossed you are leaving yourself open to more violence. Drinking

    Is no excuse. You must leave and then when you are safe you cold get housing

    Sorted and maintenance. There is a lot of support out there and you sound like

    A brave woman.

    You owe it to yourself and your children to leave this relationship. So first thing

    Phone the Women's Refuge and talk to them, they will help you and do not feel stupid, but don't let him know your thinking of leaving. If there is any immediate danger,

    Leave immediately and take your children with you . Have a few basic things ready In

    A bag. You can come back later to get everything, the police will come and make sure you are safe. So don't worry about clothes or stuff.

    Kermit if I could help you to make up your mind to leave this violent and

    Potentially dangerous relationship, I would be so relieved. I wish I could

    Have got help earlier. There is emotional and verbal abuse and that is so bad for

    You so Please you have to leave.

    Leaving my ex husband was the best thing I ever did. I have a good peaceful life now

    And I am sorry that it took me so long. So know your life will improve from now on.

    Let me know how you are doing.

    Hannah

  • xxxx

  • Thanks Lucy it's strange now for me to speak about this as it was

    A long time ago. I hope it helps her as she will need a lot

    Of support. Xx

  • Hi just wanted to say I'd read your post. Agree with all the advice aleady given. You should also keep your gp informed of your situation. As he may help if uou need written report in the future.. domestic abuse comes in many forms and there is still a stigma about it....but agencies are more aware and getting better in supporting victims and families. Tak care. Kath. x

  • Hi Borderline good point about the GP. I forgot to mention this and he

    Would help too. Especially with reports and stuff.

    I have never spoken here about my marriage, but I really

    Felt I had to forget my own pride and tell Kermit to leave. I would

    Hate to think I didn't speak out . A women in this position needs so

    Much support and encouragement to leave. As you begin to doubt yourself and cannot make decision, so every little will help her.

    Hannah

  • Hi hannah. You covered it all. I too have experienced dom abuse..learning to move on with life now alone. I added about gp cis as far as claiming benefits or getting other support its better to have as many professionals involved to back you as possible. I am just recently moved into my own rented place sfter spending over a year in reguge accommodation with women's aid. Like you I dont really like to talk about my situation here. But would hate to see another person struggle and suffer thru the pain and confusion it brings. My current mental health problems stem mostly from my marriage . The rest is due to childhood trauma. In this situation you were right to tell your story. It takes courage. Thanks for that. Luv kath xx

  • I think you're both so brave, to have been through so much and to be willing to share your experience in order to help other people.xxx

  • Thanks Fadelizard. I never think I'm brave but if sharing my story helps one person. I would be

    Happy. I think we are all brave here. Hope your ok too. X

  • You might find it useful to look at the following site

    nationaldomesticviolencehel... which also has links to two groups that support people who have suffered domestic violence.

    Your situation isn't one that I have personally experienced but I think it isn't actually that uncommon. You did the right thing to report what had happened. I think it is really important that you get in touch with people who really have been through what you are going through as they will be the ones who can really advise you on what to do and reassure you that what you are feeling - including the not reporting things in the past because they felt minor - is perfectly normal.

    It sounds as if your husband is really the one who has the problem but he probably isn't in a place where he can admit that to himself and until he does he won't be able to get help. The support of others who have been through the same may help you find a way of really getting through to him that he does have a problem.

  • Hi Kermit

    How are you this morning?

    Lucy x

  • Unfortunately this is not a subject that I could help but want you to know that my thoughts are with you. As a man I despise this behaviour of abuse and I know is because of his insecurities which leads him to it. Don't feel stupid and get rid of him. You deserve much better.

  • Hi Firestarter how are you doing today? Hope your getting used

    To the Forum and it's helping you a bit.

    Hannah

  • Hi Hannah

    Have to admit this forum is becoming addictive and I want to reach out to every single person out there. Thank you for asking, I am indeed feeling better in the last two days as I am trying to focus on my daily things one by one rather than losing myself in the big picture. I feel much more confident and able to cope with things but the fear of going back to the same depressive state is of course very much there.

    Hope everything is good with you as well.

  • He could have done with a FINAL wake-up-call, and spent the night in the cells. You would have got a bit of a rest, and maybe he would have wised-up in there, although from your description of the violence..............I wouldn't hold your breath.....................................sadly.Tell him- preferably with somebody there that you know, he's in the last chance saloon and needs professional help.

  • Gentle hugs.you are very brave but enough is enough. He will just get worse and you deserve better. Plan your escape and do it. You and your children deserve far better.

    Gentle hugs,

    Jillyxxi

  • I don't know you but feel an overwhelming urge to give you some advice. My uncle was killed by his abusive partner. Nothing you say or do will change your husband. You must think of yourself and get out of this situation while you can. I would give anything to go back in time and drag my uncle out of the situation he was in. The man who killed him was sentenced to 18 and a half years in jail. the murder of my uncle triggered my depression and you must think of the impact it is having on your children as well xxx take care

  • Hi Kermit,

    I hope you're in a safe place tonight.

    It's so hard to imagine leaving a long term relationship. Even when you know it's over you have so much time and emotion invested in it you cannot imagine moving on and starting again but please be brave for a little longer and make the move.

    I haven't been through this myself but I have watched someone I love very much be slowly destroyed by an unpredictable and increasingly more dangerous relationship. It doesn't get better Kermit, it gets worse. Men like this do not get help and they do not change.

    Leave as soon as it is safely possible for you to do so.

    Take comfort from the brave ladies on this site who have shared their stories. You can start over and you will be happy again.

    Please let us know how you are getting on.

    Be Safe.

    Love

    Lizard.xxx

  • I am quite familiar with the cycle of violence. Often, the violence is a pattern learned as a child as it was witnessed in the family home. Without the offender going to counseling, or some other source of learning a new pattern of behavior, it never goes away and it does not get better. It will inevitably escalate. That is just the nature of the beast. If the person does not learn a new kind of behavior the old behavior will, of course, naturally , just continue. It is not o.k. for him to abuse you. AND IT IS NOT O.K. FOR YOU TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO ABUSE YOU. You have to love yourself more than that. I know it is hard, especially with the children, but for their sake's ,if not for your own, you must be strong and make it stop. In the process of witnessing their father abusing you they are learning a pattern of behavior that, unfortunately, they are quite likely to repeat themselves in their future relationships. Love them, and love yourself enough to change their worlds for the better and in doing so you will be giving them chance at having healthy relationships themselves in the future. In my country there are agencies and programs which have resources available for the partners in domestic abuse situations. Hopefully your country has something similar. It would probably serve you well to check and see what resources are available in your community.

  • Hi

    To all the people who supported me through a difficult time, I would like to let you know I left my abusive ex. It has been a rough ride I live in a refuge for 4 months with my two kids, I have been rehoused and now live an abusive free life. I am currently in custody battle for the kids and getting a divorce. I still suffer from depression but not as bad as when I was with my ex.

    I am fine and kids are fine but we all have to adjust to the changes in our lives.

    love kermix

  • Wow, this is the best news ever. You are brave and you are strong. Well done!! Gemmalouise XX Wishing you everything good in life. x

  • Hi Gemmalouise

    Thank you!

    Kermi xx

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