What a idiot I have been

Hi guys. Last night my Girlfriend showed me a message she had received from a new friend. For some unknown reason I got paranoid. For no reason at all and felt threatened by her friend and didn't like it at all. The message itself well it just said that my girlfriend had stopped her seeking random sex from a stranger as she was in need of a hug. I am not homophobic but the friend is gay. I feel awful for getting paranoid. I have just not long met my girlfriend. We both have aspects of depression and she has made attempts on her life before and quite recently. I love her very much but we are at opposite ends of the country. I have no job, I lack the self asteem required to be a good partner. I just feel like such a plonker for thinking this friend was or is after my girlfriend whom I know is bisexual. I have been alone more or less for 2 yrs before meeting her and I just perhaps want not to lose her. I don't have any other friends, im 36. bit of a jumbled up post. sorry. I was feeling better recently but triggers, ie family being stressed and sad have pulled me down. They all bounce back quite quickly but its traumatic for me? for some reason. I feel lonely and yucky and sad. Should I try another med? at least I have counceling tomorrow. that's something.

6 Replies

  • Hi, I hope your counselling tomorrow helps. It sounds like you got a bit insecure. How did your girlfriend react to the message herself, and how did she react to you being how you were about it? I am lacking in confidence and if I was in your situation I would probably get a bit insecure too. Best thing if you find yourself feeling that way talk it out with her but not in an aggressive way; just say "that made me a feel a bit insecure" rather than acting paranoid. If your partner is sensitive to your needs she should reassure you and not make it worse; that's why I'm asking how she reacted to it. You said you have low esteem and so that is difficult for you. If two people have problems sometimes it can become very confusing as you are both trying to support each other and "get things" from each other at the same time. I am not saying to finish the relationship; I understand that you want the relationship but it is important to keep yourself as well as possible, to work on yourself as an individual at the same time and also to try and broaden out your contacts, make a few more friends if you can. Also yes if necessary talk about your meds. Good luck. gemmalouise

  • Thank you gemmalouise. She reacted quite well when I explained it was not an aspect of her behaviour just my shattered nerves. SHe did re assure me. Thank you for the further advice. I do need to find new friends :)

  • Hello

    Just calm down if you are with your girlfriend tonight, just sit and talk, try and get things into some sort of perspective, you need to discuss the feelings that you both have.towards each other Life is complicated enough without complicating feeling that are just coming to the surface.

    You say that both of you have mental health issues, if that is the case you will both feel jaded when you confirm these different attitudes you both have to personal relationships.

    At this moment in time there is no rush to jump either one way or another, let the relationship progress, this will be less of a problem as you are very weak mentally, also if she is the same both of you need get used to each others ideas and personal issues

    If you are clinging this may loose what you are trying to achieve, this also works the other way with Her also. Make an agreement not to search or go out with other people for a given time, if it works, good.

    If it fails to work, so you will need to look again, although you could arrange your CPN could sit down and talk to you both together if He/She would, if note go to Relate and you both put feelings on the table and sort out. Personally you seem keen on this person talking to each other should be the least of your problems

    All the best, good luck


  • All sounds very complicated to me and I don't think there's much basis for a relationship if you don't mind me saying. Long distance relationships are hard enough when they are well established and are based on trust. Yours is neither. You're both depressed, and that brings with it all sorts of emotions, mixed up feelings, paranoia and turmoil. Can I ask why she wanted to show you the text? Does she enjoy you being jealous I wonder?

  • Hi the best advice I can give you is that there are plenty of fishes in the lake and you are not in a desert. Instead of getting jealous or have any negative feeling , give her a big ass smile. If she want to make you jealous or something don’t get sucked up in her world. You are your own world and should be happy, full of happiness and things which you will like to do.

    Turn the tables around. Sometimes girls test you. Just don’t be needy as she is not the only girl in the world.

    Anyways if you wanna talk or go to pub or jog on weekends (if you are in West Yorkshire or near Leeds) give me a shout.

  • Hi gine,

    Try not to get too anxious or worried over one incident. Everyone has moments where they think things that don't make sense, or get paranoid about a little thing for no reason, regardless of whether they have depression or not.

    I've been a long distance relationship (200 miles), and I think that while they have a reputation for being difficult, they are really as hard as you make them. I have known plenty, including mine, that have dissolved into perpetual arguments and have ended badly. Equally, I know three couples who have spent significant amounts of time in separate countries who are now happily married. I don't personally believe they are necessarily inherently harder than other relationships - they are however different, and they need different things to make them work.

    Lucy mentioned that trust is important, and I would add a certain amount of independence to that. You always need to have your own separate interests in any relationship, but especially a long distance one, because if you don't you just end up pining for your partner all the time you're not with them, which isn't healthy.

    I'm not sure you need to have any "state of the union" type conversations quite yet. See how it goes for a while. It may be a good idea, if you haven't already, to sit down and talk through how things will work logistically; how often you're going to see each other, if you're going to skype call once a week or something. Long distance works best, I think, if you're both clear on the expectations, and it also allows you to organise your own activities around seeing each if you have a reasonable idea when you're going to be busy seeing each other etc.

    How is your girlfriend doing at the moment as regards depression? I'm just thinking about you saying she had attempted suicide recently - I know if it were me I would feel a lot of pressure because of that, to support her and make sure she was ok all the time. Don't let that happen, that is absolutely toxic to feel that way. That's another area where you both need to have clear ideas of what your boundaries are, in terms of how far you're willing to go supporting each other given the distance between you. You don't want to be in a situation where one of you is feeling very bad and constantly calling the other one or something. That'll f**k both of you up if it happens. Both of you need to have support networks where you are that you can rely on, so the other one doesn't feel drained or pressurised.

    Hope some of that was helpful!


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