new member saying hello

Hello

I'm currently in the midst of my second bout of clinical depression and anxiety in 3 years and am struggling. I was signed off at Easter and put on 10mg Citalopram plus back onto my meds for epilepsy as I was experiencing some "warning signs", having been seizure free for over 6 years. My Citalopram was later increased to 20mg. I also had a short course of CBT. The trigger for this bout was extreme stress and pressure from the head of the school I worked at. I had recently come new to the school but have been teaching successfully for over 20 years. Inspite of admitting that he knew nothing about my area of expertise, he totally destroyed my self confidence and made me feel I was incapable of doing the job I loved and that I had always been judged as very good at by my previous heads and inspectors. I was off for 3 months in total and gave my notice in.

I have always had issues relating to my self esteem and confidence, deeply rooted in my childhood from the mental and emotional abuse by my mother and perpetuated by my ex husband. I have recently started dating again and am finding it very difficult to stop feeling "needy". I am seeing a truly lovely man who not only understands what I feel like but has been in a very similar situation himself. After the intial "high" of a few weeks, I have been so low and weepy this week I feel I'm sinking again. I find myself questioning the tone of every message he sends, worrying when I don't hear from him; even though I know he's travelling/in meetings and can't be in touch constantly. He messages when he says he will and has given me no reason to doubt him but I'm driving myself to distraction.....I can't concentrate.

I feel so lonely and I feel this is making me feel worse. My sons are old enough to get themselves around and are busy doing their own thing so I am frequently on my own, giving me more time to dwell on things. I don't have friends as I find it hard to trust (another long story) and my family are very supportive but also very busy. CBT tells me I should be re-training my brain and these thoughts but they just take over. I want it to work with him so why can I not just enjoy the ride and stop being so anxious about something I cannot control anyway? Please help

8 Replies

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  • Hi

    It sounds as though you are finding it difficult to trust your new man and having been so hurt in the past that is hardly surprising! Have you talked with him about your doubts. If he has had similar experiences he may understand and even share your fears, and if he doesn't then at least it will be out in the open because he will be picking up your fears anyway. I wonder also whether you may be afraid of things going well, because paradoxically when things go the way we are used to even if it is awful then at least it is familiar which can feel safer than something new. It is natural that you will be feeling anxious but it sounds as though you are beating yourself up about that rather than understanding yourself and accepting that you can't just leave the past behind as if it never happened. Do talk with him about how you are feeling and if necessary go jointly to talk with someone, perhaps from Relate, about your anxieties and how you can best share them and cope with them so that the relationship is strengthened as a result. Suexx

  • Hi Medgirl,

    A very warm welcome to the site, I hope you'll find it as helpful and lifesaving as I have..

    I can identify with a lot of the feelings you were describing there, the constant anxiety, and after having a few not too bad days I'm feeling really low and weepy as well today.

    I'm still in pyjama's, not wanting to go out, jump every time my phone rings and just want to be left alone, not be here really..

    Sorry, here's you just new to the site and I'm giving you all my problems, sorry!

    It's just good to have someone to talk to who's feeling the same as me.

    I'm really happy for you you've found such a lovely man, not only that, but he also understands how you feel and only someone's that's been there truly can, and he has!

    Maybe you've just crashed coz you've been on such a high for a while by meeting this man, what goes up, must come down.. I'm thinking things should level out again.. I really hope for you they will!

    There's nothing worse than feeling good for a while and starting to think you're 'cured', or 'this new medication's really working', and then, bam.. everything comes crashing down again..

    I'm glad you've found this site, and any time you feel like you need to talk, just post and someone will be there for you!

    I'll be here all day as I'm feeling s**t today as well, so don't feel alone, if you need someone I'll be here..

    Nice to meet you Medgirl,

    Lots of love, Holly Xx

  • Hi medgirl, welcome to the site! Sorry to hear about how you were treated at your job. My manager is exactly the same, people in my team have been signed off because of the way he bullies them and makes them feel like they can't do their job properly. Truth is he probably couldn't hack you knowing more about your specialist area than him, with bullies it is always a result of their own insecurities. But it's a good thing that you're not there and faced with that situation any more.

    I really feel so badly for you with your self-confidence. I had a relationship with a very manipulative woman who drove a tank through my confidence, and I am exactly the same as you are, even when just trying to make friends I get paranoid if they don't reply to a text and think I've upset them or they don't really like me. And I know they're likely just busy but I can't help it.

    But I'm so happy you've met someone you like who treats you with the respect you deserve :) I can't speak for all men...but if it were me I would want you to talk to me about it. Explain how you find it difficult to trust people after your previous experiences but you like him and you want to get away from how you feel. And talk with each other about how you're going to deal with it. The thing to remember is that neither of you are to blame for this; it is just something that is there, it's tricky but not insurmountable and you need to be open about it and tackle it as a pair; if you internalise it you'll feel miserable and he'll think you don't trust him, and it'll end up as a never ending argument. Talk to the guy and I'm sure he'll want to help you build up your confidence again, I know I would.

    Keep posting, would love to hear how you're doing.

    Will

  • Hiya medgirl. Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the site. I can't add to whats already been said but I do agree with it.

    Bev x

  • Thanks for all your lovely messages of support. I have only been seeing him for literally a few weeks and so I feel it might be a bit early for that type of conversation.....I don't want to frighten him off! I don't think that at this stage it's trust that's the main issue for me - it's the thinking that he's cooling off and losing interest. I'm trying to be rational about it and tell myself that from what I know of him so far, he's the type of person who would be honest and tell me, not mess me about. I always feel that deep down, people don't really like me or want to be with me. I even do things like turning my phone off for hours then I won't know that he hasn't messaged - how stupid is that?! Even in the job I've just left, there was someone I really thought was a friend until I overheard her saying something about me and having a good laugh at my expense. I'm so lonely but terrified of being rejected.

  • Not stupid at all, I do the switching-your-phone-off thing as well. I understand that permanent deep-lying suspicion that nobody actually likes you, I feel exactly like that most of the time. Even when I'm posting on here I always feel deep down like I'm just annoying people. Sounds like you and your guy make for a good pair though, so hang in and just keep telling yourself to be sensible, don't let it get the better of you :)

  • Hi Medgirl, im new on here too, i cant believe the similarities between us from reading your post. i thought i was the only one who felt like that. im outgoing, bubbly and quick witted..in work. Then i go home and the mask slips, im so so lonely but the second i meet someone the terror of them hurting me overwhelms me and i run away. There has to be a way we can fix ourselves. Its such a horrible way to live. I too feel that people find me annoying, im anxious now that people on here will find me annoying. I look at people i know on facebook and i desperatly want to be like them and socialise, i hardly go out exept to work. I met a lovely bloke and went out on a couple of dates and the anxiety of waiting for him to realise he can do alot better than me is making me ill. Has anyone out there felt like this and got over it, i cant remember a time when i did nt and i cant face it for the rest of my days.

  • Hello again

    I'm feeling a lot happier now..... I bit the bullet and asked him if everything was OK and admitted that I was fretting a little. He said everything was fine and that he was just really busy with his new job; he admitted to feeling a little stressed as it's turned out to be far busier than he was expected so he's also worn out. He told me he misses me and that he'll come and see me whenever he can. I feel more reassured now and although still worrying a little (because it's my nature unfortunately), I'm no longer spending my whole day driving myself up the wall with doubts.

    Thanks for all your kind messages and I hope you are all feeling a little better.

    V xx

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