I'm currently in the midst of my second bout of clinical depression and anxiety in 3 years and am struggling. I was signed off at Easter and put on 10mg Citalopram plus back onto my meds for epilepsy as I was experiencing some "warning signs", having been seizure free for over 6 years. My Citalopram was later increased to 20mg. I also had a short course of CBT. The trigger for this bout was extreme stress and pressure from the head of the school I worked at. I had recently come new to the school but have been teaching successfully for over 20 years. Inspite of admitting that he knew nothing about my area of expertise, he totally destroyed my self confidence and made me feel I was incapable of doing the job I loved and that I had always been judged as very good at by my previous heads and inspectors. I was off for 3 months in total and gave my notice in.
I have always had issues relating to my self esteem and confidence, deeply rooted in my childhood from the mental and emotional abuse by my mother and perpetuated by my ex husband. I have recently started dating again and am finding it very difficult to stop feeling "needy". I am seeing a truly lovely man who not only understands what I feel like but has been in a very similar situation himself. After the intial "high" of a few weeks, I have been so low and weepy this week I feel I'm sinking again. I find myself questioning the tone of every message he sends, worrying when I don't hear from him; even though I know he's travelling/in meetings and can't be in touch constantly. He messages when he says he will and has given me no reason to doubt him but I'm driving myself to distraction.....I can't concentrate.
I feel so lonely and I feel this is making me feel worse. My sons are old enough to get themselves around and are busy doing their own thing so I am frequently on my own, giving me more time to dwell on things. I don't have friends as I find it hard to trust (another long story) and my family are very supportive but also very busy. CBT tells me I should be re-training my brain and these thoughts but they just take over. I want it to work with him so why can I not just enjoy the ride and stop being so anxious about something I cannot control anyway? Please help