Why Does Something So Small Always Destroy Me Inside?

This is going to sound like a reoccurring theme on here as my last blog post was about sex drive too, but seeing as this literally just happened and it's got to the point here it's getting difficult for me to handle I think I'll write about it and see what any of you guys have to say, or any support/advice you may have.

So like my last blog post I have basically completely lost my sex drive and I feel awful, I was happy with it being really high and as I'm young, in a committed relationship it wasn't a problem. As it's completely lost and non existent I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I've lost a massive part of myself, and my life.

Sex isn't the only thing in my life, but it made me happy and made me feel closer to my partner who is 300 miles away for 85% of the year due to us being in different Universities.

Sometimes it comes back (my sex drive) and I express this to my partner, through text, or on the phone and like normal couple we like to express ourselves however we can through the distance - yes phone, webcam, pictures etc. Obviously this has gone down like my sex drive, but every now and then (rarely) I do get a burst of feeling/ pleasure/ desire.

And every time, every single time, it gets ruined by my partner. It just always seems to be ''bad timing''. And I know most of the time it is, like your phone running out of battery etc, but it kills me inside. I try so hard to keep the relationship alive, and feeling like I've lost a massive part of myself, not just my sex drive, but my confidence and self esteem has plummeted too.

Just every time this happens, I just want to curl into a ball a cry. I don't want to talk to him, it just really hurts - oh god here come the tears again. I just don't know what to do. My partner knows how much it hurts and he does try, but it's just so hard to forgive him (even if it's something as stupid as this). I feel like I'm over reacting completely. And I know I am, I just can't help how I feel.

I find it really difficult to talk to him, and like I said forgive him. It knocks my little confidence I have for the time being right out the window. Its also harder because of the distance, it's not like he can make it up to me, make me coffee, give me a massage or even express how much he loves me, it's just so difficult. I end up just ignoring him and crying all the time. I then find myself going over all my flaws - my extra weight I've put on, my dress size, the fact I can't fit into more then half my clothes and underwear, my confidence, my lack of sex drive, and excitement in my life, and how I just wish this would stop happening to me.

I know it's nothing big, I know I shouldn't cry and get this hurt and upset, but I do, and I end up hurting my partner with the way I act because of it. I've tried to shrug it off and say it's ok, after the amounts of sorry's he says to me, but it just makes me hurt even more.

I've run out of options, and my relationship is suffering massively because of all these problems, to tip it off, I'm also chronically depressed with a long distance, a failing future, weight gain, troubled family and a temper/ sensitive persona.

I just can't see my relationship lasting that much longer due to all my problems and how it is at the moment.

Anyone have any help/ ideas for me?

Sorry about my rant and crying on here, just needed to get it all out.


3 Replies

  • Hello,

    You are having a tough time made worse by the depression. All the emotions/pain you are experiencing are part of this wretched condition.

    Medication can affect your sex drive and make you put on extra weight. I have put some on too and I am petite in stature so it's more noticeable and I am having the same problems with my clothes! This is tearing me apart as the only stable thing was my weight and I never had to worry about it.

    It's very difficult to discuss things when you don't see your partner that often and you are already under a lot of pressure being at university.

    Would it be possible to spend a weekend together and try and talk things through? You can't really communicate by text....often things can be miconstrued and if he replies you may think he meant something that he didn't if you know what I mean?

    I know it seems a long way away but what about making some time at the end of term?

    In the meantime do you have any support via pastoral care at the University that you could utilise? x

  • You are going through the mill . In my experience losing your sex drive is one of the symptoms of Depression, you just lose enjoyment and interest. But on the plus side you seem to have a good fun relationship with your partner. I find what affects me is little worries about different stuff. But its a bit like fake it till you make it. Just try ad relax and take the focus off this, do things with your partner when you see him. Write to him and try and stop worrying about it. Did you have a complete blood test recently,

    I always found that if I have other worries and get tired that affects me too, Some medications cause it and others have no effect. Is there anything else that worries you about the relationship? he sounds a good sort. I think just concentrate on yourself and keepin touch with fiance. Dont worry about breaking up. Someone has to accept you as you are and not just for sex. I feel you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure. Maybe get a massage to try and get used to your body,, or use a nice body lotion after shower, all these will help you get in touch with your body and appreciate it. I hope this helps, if you want to mail me privately do so. Good luck, and most men dont even see a few pounds overweight if he loves you, We are all too critical with our bodies, and should just love how we are.

    Hope this helped a tiny bit, as I do undrstand you Consider going back to your Dr . too, as maybe he could could help,


  • Long distance relationships are hard. Whilst modern technology can help it can also create some unrealistic expectations, particulary around responses. Try to think a bit about the medium you are using to communicate. May be an old fashioned letter might be better.

    When you are angry or upset with your partner try not to dwell on it. Try to think of something more positive about the relationship instead - some of the reasons why you love him. Its not easy and you may need to drag yourself back to the possitives several times.

    It might also be useful to have some rules about what is appropriate for different means of communication and may be even have some things that you just leave to talk about when you are together or have specifically set aside time to talk.

    If you need to rant then do it but never do it as a conversation with your partner.

    Do you have a good friend that you can talk to at Uni? or is there a counselling service? I've probably asked that before. It sounds like there is a lot going on in your life. May be you are trying to put too much on the relationship with your partner in terms of supporting you when circumstances mean that isn't possible.

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