bored with my life, depressed and i feel like a nobody

i read like the first 20, and i’m basically just reading over how i feel, bits and pieces from everybody’s problems. i’m 18, i have a whole life ahead of me, i’m sure i have my life planned out already and yet right now i just feel empty and bored with myself. i tell myself that i’ll be happy with myself once i’m a couple years older, where i want to be, but as time passes i keep saying the same thing.

im in good health with a loving, supportive family, but i’m not a big fan of hanging out with my parents and grandparents, so i don’t see how they should keep me happy.

i’d say i started getting depressed around junior year. it usually hits me when i’m by myself or at home, but at school i had my friends and i feel like i’m at my best when i have friends around. i enjoy being with my boys, and i seem to forget about my problems when we’re eating shit together.

i feel insecurity ties in with this stuff. i’m a decent looking guy, according to people around me, but i don’t have that perfect body that all the guys want. i’ve been working on it but it feels like the progress is microscopic and it sucks. i have acne, my main insecurity. it’s not terrible acne, but it’s a huge deal to me. stress causes acne and my acne gives me stress, so it’s a never ending cycle? on my 4th acne medication and seeing that nothings working just makes my face feel like a lost cause. my last insecurity is probably my personality. i’m shy and i don’t talk much. with just one of my best friends around, i feel like it gets quiet at times and i blame myself for being awkward or just not super outgoing. i’m dumb and i say a lot of stupid shit, which i don’t care about when i’m with my friends but it gives me anxiety when i try to make a good impression on girls or new people. my shyness also affects that.

like guys i play video games. when i don’t have plans i can be on my pc all day, but with my recent depressive thoughts, i kind of see it as if i’m going into the game to have fun in another life, since i can’t have so much fun with my own.

another thing that helped me be at peace with myself was being high, but it only lasted so long. back when i first started smoking with my friends we’d plan a day and roll a blunt or two and enjoy ourselves a little, maybe once or twice a month. but then the wax cartridges came up everywhere, and the convenience of having a long lasting supply with no smell was perfect. i’d use them sometimes when i’d go out with friends. but then i was having so much more fun being high than sober, it broke me. i started getting comfortable with the high me, and i’d get high at my house when my parents weren’t around. then it got to being high on my lazy classes in high school, then just whenever i was in school, and it got to the point where i’d just be high all the time, even when my family is home. my personality changes when i’m high, although i get a bit dumber, i’m much more outgoing, friendlier with anybody, even teachers or other kids or adults i didn’t even know (even with my family), definetly funnier and i think much more liked. my tolerance increased after every cartridge, so i needed more and more each time i wanted to get high, to get away from my boring life. i had sold chips and soda my first 3 years in high school, and i blew about a good $500 or more on carts. addiction, not to weed, but just not being in my normal life. sometimes i get too carried away when i’m drinking too. my friends started to realize my cart situation before it got to that point and they tried to help me, but i blew their advice off. i was approached by an old friend towards the end of the school year who started training to join the marines, and i felt like i could give it a shot.

last june (2018) i decided to try and join the marines, i’ve been training with them since (due to a problem with my vision, i still don’t know if i’m able to enlist). this decision got me focused on staying sober, and it was the one thing i was actually motivated to do. i wouldn’t miss a single training. i was told that my next shot at enlisting would be this february, so around october i went back to my carts and back on my same shit because it was getting to the point where i wasn’t motivated as before. for all i know i won’t be able to enlist and that’s another downer on my life. last december i started missing on some days and making excuses. i started getting high everyday again, and some days i say i need to get stronger and i show up and train, even if i was high that day. this was just last week smh.

i’ve decided to stop because this turned me from being depressed to destructive. my parents caught me a handful of times, i can’t say how disappointed they probably are, and my friends were worried for me. but what do i do now so that i can enjoy my life?

i’m sorry if i ranted about my destructive tendencies but i felt it was the only way to get people to see the lengths i took so i could feel better with myself.

one if the things i read on here that really popped out was how depressing shifts action and motivation, i felt this. i feel as if i’m not motivated for anything anymore. i’m losing my motivation for the marines. my gym cycle is so inconsistent, i can’t go 2 weeks without stopping for another week or two. school has always been a drag for me, but i’m in college now and i’m still being incredibly lazy and i don’t want to do anything that requires me to do anything at home. my parents are middle class and they don’t have much, they’re paying for my education and i’m throwing their money away because of my problems. if i knew how improve my mentality and self-esteem i would.

i see others on social media living their lives to the fullest, going out, partying every week, and i can’t have that with no money or friends that have parties. with my shyness and insecurities i don’t think i can find new people who’d like to have me around. i’ll start working next month so i can at least start making some money again and hopefully it’ll lift my mood.

i’ve travelled a lot, gone on cruises and to different countries, vacation defienly throws all the bad thoughts in the recycle bin so you can pick them back up when you’re back.

again i’m sorry if i wrote too much, but i can’t really afford to go see anyone and i’d rather not tell my family that i might be clinically depressed.

if anybody has any ideas on how i can be at peace with myself, how to strengthen my self-esteem, stop being so bored with my life, stop being annoyed by little things in my way, how to be more motivated to goals i have or towards my own career, how to be a better person, please lmk i appriciate you.

if you read all this then you’re real cool and i thank you :’(

[BlueMen]

Maybe I will sound a little bit direct, but honestly I shared a lot of feelings with you at your age and I wished that somebody takes the time to say this.

It's normal to feel uncertain about the future at your age, just deal with it; you need to focus in the present, not in the future, there is nothing to you there, if you not build a better person in the present time.

Be a marine will not make you a more secure person, you need to focus on what you really enjoy and be disciplined to get it, at your age is normal feel down sometimes often, but you need to keep working and exploring new things.

I highly recommend to you read, read and read a lot, for your situation, I'm pretty sure that the book of "Iron John, by Robert Bly" will help to you a lot you are on way to be a great men, leave the children safe and do it! you can ignore all my advise (since is just my personal opinion) but, please read Iron John, I have no doubts about that.

[BlueMen]

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance. Our uniqueness, our individuality, and our life experience molds us into fascinating beings. The first step toward change is awareness.

Acceptance; more specifically self acceptance; it’s a subject we could talk or write about forever, and still not come to an ending conclusion. It’s a topic that just about everybody can relate to on some levels. Many of us, have quite the difficult time accepting ourselves. Yet, we are able to swiftly accept other people, at the drop of a hat. The reasoning seems complicated. It seems so often to be a struggle to come up with concluding reasoning.

We beat ourselves down a lot, and much of it probably comes from our own negative self talk, in a type of internal scolding. Are we angry at ourselves? Or do we truly not accept who we are? It’s likely a combination, and if it is only a matter of not accepting, we can try to work on increasing self acceptance in many ways, one way to start, is our own thinking and self thoughts.While there’s a possibility that some of our negative thoughts might hold some truth, there is also a possibility that those thoughts we attack our self with, are exaggerated or they’re half truths. The things that we may come down hard on ourselves about, we might be much kinder and positive if the same action that made us angry was done by somebody else.

We connect mistakes, and bad deeds to who we are as a person. We seem to have reality blurred, and not realize that we are not the mistakes or the errors that we make. We instead, are the person who makes those mistakes and errors.As humans, to be perfect is impossible. Just like, as humans, to be all wrong, all bad, all mistakes is impossible. The things we do, are not the people we are. In all honesty, I feel that my mistakes in life, have been the things that ended up being the very best teacher of life lessons that I’ve ever had.

Even self reprimanding is something that is perfectly reasonable. However, it really is best to reprimand the behavior, and not the self (me).It is important to take an inventory of ourselves, and be able to hold ourselves accountable for the things that we do wrong. But like punishing a child, the punishment is a must, but, the punishment isn’t dwelled on and relived for days and days or weeks and weeks.

As much as it is important to be accountable, it is equally important to move forward, and take things as learning lessons. Take accountability, and then forgive yourself.

Doing good things, succeeding, making a lot of money, and giving a lot of gifts, does not make us better people. The famous quote that kinds to my mind is, “do the right things, even when nobody’s looking.” I could not have thought of a better phrase than that. It is so easy to put on incredible performances these days.Accept ourselves for who we really are. To waste energy on pretending to be greater than who we are does nothing constructive for our development. If we are self conscious about how we are looking to the world, we really are not progressing or evolving in any way.

Find acceptance, and if we are bothered by certain defects, then the best things to do for our own self consciousness, is to correct what we want fixed. Accept the defects we can’t change. And live each day, where we are able to lay our head down each night knowing, that we lived the best day we could.

[Theonewhocares in reply to BlueMen]

I think that if you would talk to a therapist this message would sound short. There nothing wrong to explain how you feel especially around your age not a lot of young adults are doing that. I was always shy about why I grew up. I barely had friends and always seem to try to have people like me or try to fit in. nothing seems to work and I still felt depressed, I also had very low self-esteem. I for a very long time didn't feel beautiful because of being a bully. I was also in special Ed from 5-12 I always had the special teacher attention because of reading problem and spelling. I felt like an outcast. Beside having God in my life as a believer the first thing for me to feel good and happy was that I needed to believe in myself and love myself no matter who didn't. I found ways to improve my reading and writing. Ways to feel beautiful and ways to not be shy and have a conversation with someone. It takes first you to want to change and then also having someone else around to lift you up, whether its someone close to you or a family or someone on this website to support you. No matter what life is worth living for, you are never alone and someone is out there waiting to hear your testimonials and how you have overcomes things. If I did it and I've gone through you don't even what to know that I know you can. Just remember one thing also there someone in a third world country that has it worse than you do. I hope this help and that you find a way and as a believer I also want to tell you Jesus loves you.