Depression and PTSD

[StevenG]

I have suffered from depression since I was 11 yrs old. I am now 42 years old, it got worst. I also had violence and abuse since I was 18, and now suffer from PTSD. The depression has destroyed my life, and I cannot go on, no more. Killing myself is only way out for me, I try to keep myself together, but the mood, is anger, and also frustration,  I have no family now, just me. Only me. Going to doctors tomorrow

[Dbno]

dearest Steve

you are NOT ALONE - we are all here for you. Please take care of yourself

you are such a worthwhile person - you have been through a lot and you need to acknowledge that.  You have a lot to live for.

Family is not who we are born to but who we choose to have in  our life. 

I hope that your Doctors appointment goes well and that they give you the support you need. please let me know how you get on

take care

[StevenG in reply to Dbno]

Well, after going to doctors, I how have anti-depressants, which i am looking at them, with some kind hatred. I spoke about some of the stuff I been through, and I thought to myself, why I am talking about this to a stranger, I ain't weak, or anything. Then I got to anxiety, and started feeling uncomfortable, I do not like speaking about my emotions, or anything. I do not cry, or anything, I keep it to myself, yes, I do get angry, and frustrated, but worst of it is, I cannot stand stupid people, explaining something to me, and saying its all in your head, or your just feeling down. Nevertheless, they put me on this Citalopram, for starters. If that does not work, higher dose, and therapy. Yep, nice to know, but 9 mths, of talking about shit, and everything else, ain't really going to erase it all. Thanks for the reply, I felt ok, reading it, but sometimes, I wonder, about the future, and how many years, or decades I coped with this illness, lurking in my head a long time. Maybe It sounds, stupid, but the worst place is within your head, I cannot really explain it, but overall, no words can explain it.

[Dbno in reply to StevenG]

hi

I do understand - I am a survivor so I completely get it

I've been to several therapist and there is nothing worse than sitting in a room with someone telling you about stuff that you have experienced but that they have read in a book - Grrr

I find it difficult to speak to someone about how I feel. I mean how the hell can they understand - they have not been through it.  I have also had some therapists tell me that they could not carry on with me as they could not cope with the things that I was telling them. Seriously how do they think I felt about it ?!?!

So I picked myself up and I read a lot and I did the work and now I hold my head up high and say yes bad stuff happened to me so sometimes I get depressed. If you can't handle that then it's your loss. 

I take responsibility for my own wellbeing and I do my best - sometimes I fall down and when I do I try to understand why and then try to put into place coping strategies.  I avoid situations where I know I might get a flash back or anxious (the best I can) - and I rely on myself (a lot)

As for weakness - no you are not weak. You are amazingly strong - you are a Survivor, There is nothing weak about us!

If you don't mind me saying - but it's not normal not to cry and bottling up your emotions can be detrimental to your wellbeing.  Crying is not a sign of weakness - it can take courage to allow your emotions out. It's about doing it in a safe place and where you feel comfortable.

I agree with you 'it can not be erased'  after all our past is set. It is our future that is uncertain and is ours.  I am sure that with the right support we do not erase the past (as we can not change it, we were not responsible for it) but we don't have to let it dictate our future.  We can learn to accept it and put the responsibility where it should lay - and it is not ours.  Sorry I don't mean to sound 'preachy' - It's hard to explain what I mean.

Have you read the book - the courage to heal?

it's very good for survivors - but it might not be for you.  you have to find what works for you.

I do hope that your find something that helps

take care

If you want to 'talk' more just post

cheers

[StevenG in reply to Dbno]

It takes me years to cry about events I gone through, I sometimes, weep, alittle, but not full on crying, I harden myself up. What I was taught, never to show weakness, and etc. I never cry, I do weep, in private, out of the way of ppl, and etc. I told the doctor, about that, he told me that is unnormal, and some ppl are different. I do bottle things up, and sometimes, I cannot cope  too much, the mind is strange tool. I had violence most of my life from 18, to 30. And I do think about it, I get angry, and frustrated, but I try to hold back the tears, and try to keep myself to myself on matters. I listen to ppl talking about the most stupidest things, like a tap dripping, or his son has failed his exams, he is depressed about it. Wow, wish it was damn exam for me to be depressed. I know I should not be like that, but sometimes, ppl, really get to me. I walk away from them, like I going for smoke, back later. I never go back, I just walk away. Depression and PTSD has slowly made be see more BS, clearly, I know it sounds terrible. The doctors, put me on anti-depressants, and then after that more therapy with a other doctor, who reads books, and case files, like he/she knows what was going on in your head, before you enter the door. Yup, like everything, everyone's different, that called Human Nature, everyone has a different events happen, but we are all unique, because we know what we all gone through, say to speak. Thanks for listening, or should I say reading...Its sometimes hard to place this on here. Like I am talking to myself, and etc...LOL...yep, I smiling alittle. I ain't a bad person, I like to help ppl too, but sometimes, I need to place myself, in the comfort zone, not talk about to much, opening old wounds say to speak. Oh, sorry, ranting....away...here..

Thanks....and you Take care also

I do not know if your Male or Female, I am the male, 42, and coping with it for many decades. Yep...decades...LOL

[Dbno in reply to StevenG]

HI

Sounds to me like you are a good person.

I think the BS thing is an age thing. as we get old we are less tolerant of the BS around us. 

I don't think that it matters when you cry - after all it will be when you are ready to express how you feel.  Each of us do it on our own time.  I just hope that you can be honest to yourself and be true to your own well being.

When you say that you had violence - were you in a bad relationship? Or were you the perpetrator? I hope you don't mind me asking?

I think the reason you are getting frustrated and angry is because you feel responsible somehow. what do you think?

[StevenG in reply to Dbno]

Military....and etc. I have never had bad relationships, just healthy civilian life, to be honest.

I don't like talking about it. That is all.

[Dbno in reply to StevenG]

Ah I understand

sorry to push you - I didn't mean anything by it

honest

I come from a military family so I understand the PTSD and military.  It can be very hard.

My dad had it after servicing at a young age and seeing the true horror of war. As he got older he found it hard to deal with the frustration he felt.  He told me that he found it hard because he lived and so many of his friends had died. 

One of my brothers was on the Falklands - enough said! Another was in Iraq.

I hope you're feeling better and that the treatment you've been offered works for you.

I'll be around if you need me

[StevenG]

Well, I getting better, the stages of it gets to me. I ain't taking anti-depressants, and started to talk about it in part. But, I say this, the Therapy  is like a place I do not like at all. Now can I explain stuff in detail, when I do not wish to speak about it. No words can express the situations. So I tell them stuff, in simple formal words, without the swearing. But the best therapy is going out in countryside, where no one is around for miles, and scream from the top of your lungs...thats the best therapy. Thanks for listening to me.

Take Care