My fangs need filing again, hypo thyroidism and hand washing five tons of bed linen don't go together!

'He' has been making lots of really helpful suggestions about how I could run the house without doing so many things when tired. This has come about as I needed to by an essential item. One solution, we could, or rather I could do less washing and we could all wear less clothes. Although this does not fit with his earlier solution about not having the heating on which involved more clothing not less, He told me this with the BBC weather report coming in announcing frosts and cold evenings. It also does not account for the fact that he becomes plastered in oil, food, ink, garden matter or in fact anything that needs a surface to stick to within a ten mile radius. Once in this state, usually five minutes after he should have left to attend meetings and see clients, I am asked if he looks nice and will he do.

When I do suggest smartening up I am brushed aside quite rapidly and he is often to be found minutes later, waste deep in estuary slime having misjudged where to get out of his boat, on a rowing to work sort of day. Pin striped trousers caked in mud from the thighs down to his shoes. The fact that he appears to think that a bottle of essential oils and an incense stick will cover all events and circumstances, is as much a mystery to him, as are to me his treble booked clients and indeed his endless puzzlement with people appearing in the wrong places or collectively in the same time slot. Usually after yet more technological advances have been made with our computers and telephones. I refer to them all as the crystal ball and do actually pop a scarf on and act out the whole thing if one of his friends calls around to see if he can come out to play. My husband is available for endless band rehearsals and last minute gigs involving no payment whatsoever, usually after he has told me he is fully booked and busy for weeks with no gaps due to reports being due in or papers to be written for lectures.

For the last ten days, I have been going for the jugular of large UK company who took my money for washing machine, did not come up with the goods or deliver it. I had some delightful on line spats and some targeted phone calls. I live ten miles from any launderette and have been ill in bed. However my powers to find executive or even chairman's addresses on line is legendary and also my kind offers to appear with them on consumer rights television programmes annihilating in detail their customer services departments. My new machine will come tomorrow with some dosh knocked off and overseen by a large team of panting executives. I did end up thanking them in the end, they did pull out all the stops and say sorry rather nicely.

In the build up to this state of affairs, my man had some epic hours wrestling with washing machines, attempt number one was to park it in the middle of the utility room, suck through his teeth, and get it going again. It was rendered well and truly expensively circuit boarded dead. Next came some huffing and puffing and out it went into the garden on a special two wheeled removal trolley, He just just loves those Screw Fix catalogues! Part two came next, this was an even heavier machine brought in through the back door, which had sat motionless in our damp garage for around six years. A clapped out present from a dearly departed long gone relative. Once in place and filled with water, that was the end of it. That one was pronounced dead over the phone by the help of my first partner from over 25 years ago, who used to mend such things under duress, with endless success in my more hippie days. No amount of leverage with spanners or lubrication with WD40 was going to get the drum going round. He was now most annoyed and worn out, in fact I would say furious.

Part three reached a rather foul climax the next morning, emptying the offending article of water and getting that out of the back door to join it's mate in the garden, and phase four deciding to take two dead washing machines to the tip in the car. Part five happens now, and is most unfortunate. One of my cats is very sensitive to change....and if somebody moves things or causes building disruption, she will do a little protest tinkle. As my husband rolled around on the floor in his best going to work clothes with minutes to spare before his late as usual departure, he was unaware that the cat had crept up behind him in the utility room and pissed on the floor. He rolled around in this frightful puddle for quite come time, feeling it was just from the washing machine, and of no concern or importance toward his departure for work, he certainly was going to slip out before I could say fresh ironed clothes and goodbye dear etc.

Part six was his irate phone call to me one hour later announcing that he stank of cat piss and was soaking wet and could not sit inside a building with another human being, I was to assist in my occasional role as emergency wardrobe mistress. this relayed to me on his way back at some speed with his hair on end. . He is a superstar and had tried to remedy the situation with an application of cleaning fluids which had further enhanced the ammonia effect. Having arrived back and turned lovely once again, he then sat with a rather mournful cat on his lap having a coffee whilst explaining in some detail to it, the merits of taking a leak in the garden.

Apart from this, nothing much has happened. My health is a bit crap currently but I have been chasing houses, ours to sell and the one we are buying, and roping in every favour on the planet, to enable our swift move to what will become a building site with me camping in the garden. This will be the case for several months in order to get what we need where we wish to be. The internet and children's bedrooms will be ok, and my camping stove works just fine. We are family that regularly camps, as we prefer it, my immense hot water bottle collection often goes on the road!

More fuss soon, I have just booked my ticket to the TUK conference in October and my hotel room, so one thing at least is organized. I hope to meet some nice friends old and new.


ps please save your Sainsbury Activ Kids tokens for me, collecting for local hospital. Thanks

35 Replies

  • Hahahaha I am going to remember the 'kind offer to appear on consumer rights programmes' for future hassles. Genius Mary :-)

  • Well I always start from a most reasonable place.. but when they try and shaft me... I get the hump.... I ordered it on 1st April, probably they thought my actual order was a joke! MaryF x

  • Chortle! - I needed cheering up - you should bottle that "Eau de Chat" (no idea why 'tho) J :D

  • Are you going to do of the year in October? Would be nice to meet MaryF x

  • Yes hoping to but will probably get lost, may have to bribe hubby to take me, I'm out of ideas....

  • ask for a lift share on here! Somebody will give you a lift, I have secured one for half the way with my friend APsnotFAB who knows perfectly well that I shall be on my best map reading behaviour! MaryF x

  • Oh I just mentioned motorbikes! duh!

    I need a holiday.... x

  • MaryF x

  • HAHAHA I had one like that - used to detach top of pram to go inside it - oh memories!!!

    Thanks MaryF for the smiles - priceless :)

  • Yes I could do with one now... they need to come back! I did have a friend that spent many years re building his inside his flat, only to realize that it would not go out of the door etc. MaryF x

  • Brilliant thank you!

    I sent some vouchers off to the hospital for you yesterday!

    And I've volunteered to help at the conference so I'll be there!

  • Oh good.... and thank you very much. AND for all you ADMINs possibly reading this, I am happy to help also as I will arrive on Friday so be there two nights, ask away. MaryF x

  • Hope the move goes smoothly. X

  • Thanks. MaryF x

  • Mary what a tonic you are. Just brilliant. Loved the 'cat piss' story, reminded me of our beloved Stripe, a loony tunes, gone but never forgotten. x

  • Yes well she is prone to 'frequent reminders' and is currently lying with both paws wrapped around my arm to try and prevent typing taking place. MaryF x

  • yet another good un mary , I'm just thinking of hubby in the middle of a meeting with ' the wafting ' becoming even more apparent ..........I'm collating the vouchers and will send them off when all in [ about 200 so far ] ....alan xx

  • Thank you so much. MaryF x

  • hope you have a super time at the 'jolly' in October ....alan xx

  • Thanks, are you going? MaryF x

  • unfortunately no , but my thoughts and cojitations will be with all of you there ....alan xx

  • Well a number of my spies will be there and will give you a full report of my every move. MaryF

  • i trust that you will have a perfectly coiferred purple syrup on whilst your there !!!!

  • No but I do have a shirt with the same photograph on it! MaryF x

  • hope you've got the copyright for it !!!!

  • I can hardly hold up for laughing, and while I was trying to read your epistle out to my husband just now the tears were rolling down my face. Although his response was only a kind of Mona Lisa smile...what's with the male sense of humour? I can just see your cat 'helping the situation' in my minds eye and it's just too hilarious for words!

    I do hope things improve for you Mary, if not would you please get in touch with the BBC etc. because they could all do with livening up, there's not a lot worth watching these days. Plus, you could earn a fortune writing comedy. Best of luck :D

  • Thank you, yes those Mona Lisa smiles in my house normally take on the form of grim faced snarling, followed by, are you writing about me again dear? MaryF

  • This was the first thing I read when I checked out my emails..... Thanks for cheering this ole dear up!! Thyroid v Zoloft (Anti D) not go well together... Having issues with NHS services and withdrawal symptoms from cutting down on zoloft. Funny name for them isn't it! Love your profile pic by the way

  • Have a lovely day, the sun is out etc. MaryF x

  • Hilarious Mary, I could just imagine your Hubby rolling about in cat wee, we had a strange cat that used to go mental if we had a new carpet or furniture ( but we loved him anyway) x

  • Yes, this one like the other has special songs I sing to them...however I sang a different tune after her latest offering! MaryF x

  • Oh Lord! You have had a time of it!! Hope the new machine arrives with the minimum of cat piss!

  • Yes it is here with bells on.. luckily I had stuck notices on all doors, as of course it came at 7 am in the morning, when I was in the land of snooze. Due to the upgrade given to me it appears to be rather large and take three hours to do each cycle. I may get around to reading the instructions but have not read the last set for the dead one yet. MaryF x

  • My cat seems to like spraying upwind and come in stinking.

    another enjoyable story of escapades, keep them coming Mary xx

  • Yes, perhaps a frightful spring time phase! MaryF x

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