Forget Cyber Monday, this is Sabre Toothed Wednesday

Today I awoke with a face like a bag of spanners, but actually this was fairly short lived as the postman was smiling today, I was so shocked by this, that I forgot to get my scowl ready, he was all dressed up in red, and I realize that he must like his job better in December. Apparently he had caused amusement at the sorting office due to the amount of boxes due for today's delivery with him. I think they may have been mainly mine, It took him five minutes to unload them all, with extra theatrical huffing and puffing and then squeezed up the garden path. This was made worse for him by our storm damaged porch. My man is supposed to take the large wind battered tangle of clematis, honeysuckle and other rambling growth, and hitch it back on top of our rather hideous porch, (which it hides), but he has only got as far as slightly hoisting it on two sticks... anytime anybody knocks them even slightly down the whole lot comes. In slow motion I watched this happen. He ended up looking as if he was out on some sort of army maneuver requiring the application of dense vegetation. Just a red nose poking through with rather suspect deep breathing.

All of this doorstep, almost daily fuss is a result of my internet Christmas shopping, I have had eleven attempts to do this so far, but either myself or others due to various aliments, can't leave the house. I am sure change will come soon. Meanwhile due to the amount of parcels and boxes piling up. I may need to appear on that programme about hoarders, due to the state of my hall. My house is becoming smaller and smaller due to this, however my hands and feet are becoming larger and larger due to a particularly lovely antibiotic and infection flare. Very Alice in Wonderland etc. I can still type with two finger tips... but my language is dreadful, I have been told off by both children and told to shut up, they are in bed ill and can hear me muttering and spluttering. Later we did have a nice picnic lunch in front of the fire, there are some benefits of winter! I do feel sorry for anybody who does not have an open fire and has to rely totally on central heating, I limit mine but can only do so due to being lucky enough to have a house with one stove and one open fire. Here I sit now, on what my late Aunt Elizabeth would have called a 'poof' tapping away with some catty chaos adding to the ambiance.

Cat one, and Cat two do not get on at all, unless sharing a bed upstairs with me should there be a party, or perhaps Mr or Mrs Dog staying over night! As it is the season of good will I purchased a rather fetching essential oil plug in, advertised as a natural solution for calming the most feisty of a puss down. One essential ingredient is valerian, which may send humans to sleep but it sends cats up the wall. So despite the products blurb about calm, happy pets, it is quite clear that the over pungent valerian fumes have caused even worse behaviour. They have been rampaging around the house wanting to play frightful games that I only play at the dead of night or when bored. Lots of violent scratching of my internet Christmas cardboard box mountain, and one in particular keeps lying flat out with her legs open very near the backdoor cat flap, I dread to think who she is waiting for. Well they do say pets resemble their owners, moving on swiftly etc.

Internet shopping is better than nothing, but my face was apparently priceless when a certain supermarket chain dropped off my latest order with no substitution for frozen peas. I mean of course I totally believed that the largest out of town supermarket in the county only had one make of peas, and in only one size! The delivery man really enjoyed my rant and stayed for coffee as his delivery route had been set wrong and he had gained half and hour, I made him do lots of jobs while he was there including opening all my new packets of coffee and decanting them into a tin.. which I realized after his departure I won't be able to open. It is a favourite tin, brought back from Russia by my husband thirty years ago, he loves it, I sort of do, but not too such a deep level. It has various dents on the sides and also plier marks around the rim, where I have tried to get in to it at speed in the early morning during a similar arthritis attack.

I am slightly irritated in general.. I can't even stand television currently... that stupid yogurty woman who spoons hers up with long fingernails, and the deep alarm being announced about bacteria apparently being rife in washing machines is making me annoyed. However apart from the endless jingles advertising plastic and noise for children, (I mainly filter those out, from years of practice), my top worst favourite is the one advertising margarine disguised as pretend butter with all neighbours bouncing on trampolines, they won't be so smug and smiley if they all eat that! I have also finished watching Breaking Bad and now have to find another fix and HE will soon find something. We get addicted to a new series about three times a year.

I am just a super grump and getting it out of the way before Christmas.....not being able to open things, is driving me nuts, nice olive oil on my salad at lunch time... could not open bottle, nice jar of exotic cherry jam, foiled again, until I remember to wrap all the elastic bands I had nicked off the postman around the lid, to add grip.. I felt so excited I nearly ate it all with a spoon, but resisted such a pre Christmas urge!

Today with my endless confinement as getting better person, and also nurse and cook to others, I secretly hid behind the sofa and stuffed three large stockings, half way down each one are some strategically placed rustling bags, which the children will discover are cat treats! I get this behaviour from my late father who when we were children stuffed all our stockings with many objects he wished to own, for his model railway.. us girls had to hand over endless trucks, carriages, people and industrial railway sheds on Christmas morning. He would then descend to the cellar which contained a model railway covering one room, with country stations through tunnels in to adjacent areas, and stay there most of the day.

Tomorrow, I am off out, another attempt,and before that I must heap my entire bedroom into the middle of the room, as it is being painted tomorrow as part of operation tone it down for boring house buyers. I have been asked if I am ready yet... I think my tone may have given away the true nature of progress in there... who wants to be sent to tidy their bedroom etc. More from grumps soon.


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30 Replies

  • Poor Mary, hate flare ups that make opening the easiest of jars literally a pain. Sounds like you're well on top of Christmas despite not being well though. Wishing you and yours a great Christmas and a healthy New Year x

  • Sending you Christmas gluten free pizza for me tomorrow! As I have inside knowledge about yours!

    Mary F x

  • Haha very yummy it was too ;-)

  • Well I could do with an extra dinner.... all I want to do is eat and sleep, I must be preparing for full hibernation! MaryF x

  • Hope you feel better soon, x

  • Thanks,, beginning to turn the corner...first set of antibios did not work and set off reaction, 2nd lot total allergic reaction... spectacular but no choice with lupusy lu! Mary F x

  • Keeping a pair of marigolds can assist when opening jars or bottles when your hands are not too good. They provide a bit of extra grip.

  • latex stretch gloves in my case MaryF x

  • Still laughing! I know you are miserable and in pain but your email has brightened my evening and I smile to myself whenever I think about it. Hope you (and all your little patients) get loads better soon :-)

    Liz x

  • Thanks, just about to give the washing up a good kicking! Mary F x

  • Be careful then - you don't want to do yourself any more damage! x

  • Tootle pip etc MaryF x

  • love you Mary! - really cheered me up after today! I have a lonely old 'poof' at Mum's, I must provide a loving home.

    I had my heels dug firmly in as it's mad December again but am encouraged by your enthusiasm to partake (Dad used to put various washers, nuts and bolts in the stocking too!) And so organized despite your uprooting activities (you do know cats recognise a 'for sale' sign). I have ordered cards, and extra humbugs to tide me over to the New Year. J :D x

  • I am totally horrified to think at there is a 'lonely old poof' marooned at your mother's you must rescue it IMMEDIATELY! Mary F x

  • done! x

  • X XMaryFx

  • hello again mary 'grumps' , yet another irrelevant look on the foibles of life that cheers so many of us followers ....still cant wait for your forthcoming tome [ how far are you with it ? ] ...LoL alan xxx

  • Not that far.... but still on the case. Mary F x

  • ps Alan Gardner you missed the one before this one! Mary F x

  • what was the heading ???

  • The wrong sort of bells and a pre Christmas huff.... I think! MF x

  • only me again .... yes I did catch it - but at the time I was having a 'flare up' of my own and forgot to reply , but rest assured I will always look forward to your tomes and irrevelant outlook as they are so amusing ------ p.s. I think you could really be MRS BROWN in disguise .....yuk yuk ....alan xx

  • Hope you are better! I am hoping to cure myself with red wine tonight if my house has not blown away x MaryF

  • as I usually go up and down like tower bridge [ it does everytime a a boat goes through ] its kay sera sera .....I prefer a cold tinny out of the fridge though .....hope you enjoy your vinho ---- at least this medication is enjoyable when it goes in !!!!! LoL alan xx

  • Hi Mary,

    Love your column..... are you a journalist or writer? If not you should be..... good to read...xx

  • I think my wittering is some sort of writing.... and thanks for feedback x MaryF x

  • Just settled down, feet up on me ole poof , to watch all the Dick Emery clips on your post! Yippee! great fun-thank you! x

  • Enjoy x Mary F x

  • miraculous Mary, whilst you struggle with elastic bands and marigolds, I am trying to raise The Dead - he does this every morning and after 36 years of invention I still can't wake him up. This morning I flopped back in bed with him and a cuppa and mobile phone. Need phone at hand as sister is awaiting high tide on the east coast - just opposite her newly renovated house.

    Read texts from phone and then your post! It worked, it actually worked, he rolled over,stopped snoring and laughed, then wonder of wonders he spoke an actual sentence extolling your humour. Sadly he's now snoring again - could you write a longer one for tomorrow. Anti flare up wishes on the way xx

  • Cheers, more soon. MaryF x

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