My daughter gets frustrated with me. Am I wrong?

[ecappiello]

I watch my 3 granddaughters when she works. She is a stylist. She had a chance to do a wedding but it would be 2 days after my 6th chemo session. I told her not to count on me in case I am not up to watching girls. Also, on my past chemo session days, my son-in-law watched the baby, almost age 2, while the other two girls, ages 8 and 10, were in school. Now, due to weather and illness, he has missed a lot of work so the baby has been going with us. She is a good baby and I call her my "chemo mascot" but it is more stressful when she is there. I made a comment to my daughter about that and she got angry and asked - Should she just drop me off then and not be there? So my choice becomes no support or support with stress. I've asked her to look into finding another sitter when I'm not well, but after 10 years of having me as a live-in 24/7 "gramma-nanny" she can't imagine or afford costs or arrangements of a real sitter.

I do all sorts of research into my cancer and ask my doctors lots of questions. My daughter thinks I "am borrowing trouble" by doing this. She told me of her friend that reacted to carboplatin during session 6 and that it is fairly common. I had an anaphylaxic reaction with Taxol 2 drops into my first session and had to switch to Gemzar with carboplatin. Now I mentioned session 6 , and she said she wishes she hadn't told me.

She is frustrated. Am I wrong to be having these concerns?

[Tesla_7US]

Ecap, do you live with your daughter? Her behavior is not helping you. She is an adult. She and her husband can and need to learn to manage child care without you. Please focus on yourself. I would start by NOT bringing an infant to your treatments. I'm appalled, actually. It's not a safe environment for a baby and not allowed in the US. Have her drop you off. Get your infusions in peace and quiet. Sleep, look at magazines, but get your treatments alone. You have a real chance at recovery and you need to be focusing on YOU, not babies, not your daughter or her frustrations. Keep learning about your diagnosis, find the most recent research you can. Biomedical Publications is a good source. Be an informed patient. The more you know, the better you can advocate for your self. Help your daughter to healthfully detach from your over-accommodation so that she may become an independent, responsible adult. You've spent years making life easier for her, now it's her turn.

[ecappiello in reply to Tesla_7US]

Yes, I live with them. For a number of reasons but have always felt it is mutually beneficial. She also has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Her since junior high. Between the two of us we make about half a well person and with the cancer it's about a 3rd of one. We support each other (most of the time lol).

You are probably right about going to treatments alone, but I haven't been doing any driving since long before the cancer diagnosis. I also have brain fog at times from the CFS and the chemo has added to that problem. When I see the doctor, my daughter is partially my memory secretary as well as my recorder of things discussed.

We have asked my doctors about the baby being there and they have said it is fine.

I will have a talk with her again about everything, and probably have her drop off/pick me up and I will do these last few sessions alone.

[Tesla_7US in reply to ecappiello]

ecap, I will now eat humble pie. Your situation is uniquely interdependent and beneficial. I can understand the fused relationship that mostly works for you and your daughter. This is a very tough situation.You do need someone to take notes and advocate for you. I will shut up and go away now. CFS and ME are totally debilitating. Go fight the good fight!

[ecappiello in reply to Tesla_7US]

No! Please don't apologize. It is a very strange but helpful co-dependent relationship. Then add in a son-in-law and 3 grandchildren it does seem crazy at times.

Our big difference is how we react to stressful things. I cry and get depressed. She gets frustrated and angry. Can be tough but we know those things about each other so that helps. I just go up to my 3rd floor rooms and hide out til it's better lol!

You are definitely right about concentrating more on myself and my fight right now. She knows that too. It just isn't easy to make the changes needed at times.

Your encouragement will help me talk to her about all of this.

Truly, thank you for your response.

[Cynthia18 in reply to ecappiello]

My daughter handled things in anger also which made my depression worse.i to would go hide out in my room for awhile.i was very unhappy!!!it's not supposed to be like this.i needed compassion not anger.i needed things for me yet it was still everything about her.it took a toll on me but I knew I had to make changes... For me!!! I did.now my daughter has back up and I babysit at my convenience not hers.its been rough but getting better

[Gemimablackvelvet in reply to Tesla_7US]

Hi Tesla-7US

I cannot believe what your daughter is expecting from you being healthy or not healthy. I can never understand why people have children for someone else to look after. It must be so distressing for you. Please be assured you are definitely not wrong. Too many people are expecting grandparents to sacrifice their retirement in order for their children to go out to work. I have ovarian cancer 3c

my daughter has given up so much to spend as much time as she can with me. She lives 2 minutes away and has never expected me to look after my granddaughter, even when I was well.

I would love to just put my arms round you and give you a great big hug. You must be exhausted. Look after yourself for a change.

I could cry for you right now

Sending my love and care from England xx

ANGELA

[Cynthia18]

No not at all!!! My daughter does the same thing to me.i can't do the things I used to anymore.i try though and then it puts my body in pain because i pushed myself.people would tell me too don't research things...it's our life,unless you have been placed in my condition,you don't know how you would handle such a thing

One day at a time but it's our choice what we do in that day

I had to move out of the house with my daughter.i now rent a room off of my sister.i had to back away from my daughter for a little,not because i didn't love her or my grandson but because it made my situation worse!!! Things are better now,she doesn't depend on me for everything anymore and it has forced her to have back up day care if I want to rest.its been a long journey

[Gemimablackvelvet in reply to Cynthia18]

Hello Cynthia 18

You have my deepest sympathy re your situation. It’s just not acceptable that you should be made to feel like you do.

It’s your special care time now try to enjoy it for many years to come.

My love to you from England xx

ANGELA

[ecappiello]

Cynthia, thank you for your responses. Every time I think I am so alonein all this, I find others with such similar situations. Thank you for sharing your struggle.

My GP (has been now for over 20 years) had 2 aunts live with them when he was growing up. He gives me good help when I am struggling but haven't seen him with dealing with all the cancer specialists right now. He says: "As long as it is working for you it is great. When it is not, you will need to make some decisions."

I had my 5th day one chemo today. My daughter was much better with things. I also had the cancer counselor come talk to me. She is wonderful. She has such a great way of confirming what I am feeling, and then put in suggestions for my particular situations. I felt "silly and weak" saying OK to talking to her, but it has really helped a lot. And bless my daughter, who seemed to know when to leave the room and give me some extra privacy about some Special issues. When I talk with someone, I know the logical thinking of "One day at a time" ; and" Don't borrow trouble". Just hard to apply it to my own situation.

The nurse came in to change chemo bags, and was able to add in some expertise and her experiences around patience as well.

This group is like finding the "Holy Grail" of person strength, support and knowledge. So glad I found it!

[ecappiello]

I forgot to mention, I was added into a grant program today that listens to "the story of you". They record it, ask some questions, and you just talk. Before I was finished with my chemo today, they already had it organized and typed up. They read it to me in case I needed to make any changes or corrections. I have to say I was just a little amazed with myself. I realized I'm handling this all pretty well, and I still have, and will continue to have a good life.

The purpose of this trial grant program is to have your story put in your medical records. They hope a personal info page will help doctors and others reading the file will get a better understanding of you as an individual. The nurse in my room was very excited when she heard it. She thinks this will be a great program for the hospital and hopes it can become permanent.

Discussion with my daughter, cancer counselor session, personal story page made, and 5th day one chemo session accomplished. Then I come here to this site and get to read more answers, suggestions, research and encouraging info.

What a...... "Great day in the life of a cancer patient!" Thank you to you all!