Memory books; letters to family for after I pass on (which I hope is a long time)!

[Bailey3266]

Hi:

I know like concerting my VHS movies to the cloud; that I’ve put off for 20 years as well as making scrapbooks; I’ve wanted to write special letters to my husband & dtr & son for ant milestones and simple situations so that they may here my voice, wisdom, experiences guidance and just support

Wondering if anyone has done this; for me I’m not very organized in thought and it’ll definitely take lotsa energy. I think I saw an offer somewhere on internet—maybe breastcancer.org forum of someone who may help videotape and coordinate/edit the letter writing. I know when my friends mom died she wrote her one letter. It must be very sad at first but bittersweet to hear the thoughts of a deceased love one (other than at a will reading).

What are everyone’s thoughts—I’m aware I may well be here in 10 years and I could also get complication or have other illness or freak of nature take me or they’re be a cure and I can deliver all my thoughts in person. Brain fog/? Ie early dementia is playing a role too; I’m afraid if I do live long someday I cannot articulate and again think it’d be bittersweet to put all these ducks in a row well before I’m told to get my affairs in order (which I do dread)?

Please know my new mantra is I’m living with stage 4; not dying from it and I will survive until a cure is released (personally I think it will be immunotherapy and or combinations of targeted therapy with the unknown “magic bullet” that I’m sure may well be lurking unbeknownst to us in clinical trials or evenearlier stages. I always think of HIV/Aiss and earlier plagues that we now have cures and vaccines for—medical marvels. Hope for a miracle every day for all of us; then my videos/letters will be moot! But other things can also cause the need for such letters as well as Stage 4...so I’m ready when anyone has ideas for this?

[Hidden]

Morning Bailey,

This is something that was important to me too, but it was hard to actually do. Then two months after I started treatment I got writing.

I wrote a letter to my husband, a letter detailing my funeral arrangements and another one includes bequests. Like you, I do not plan to die anytime soon (I'm sure many of us will see a cure!) But in case the time comes, I don't want my family wondering what I would have wanted. Once I wrote the letters I put them all in a large envelope by my bedside table.

Sophie 💓

[Barbteeth]

Hi Bailey

This is something I don’t think I could do.....certainly not at this moment in time

I think my family know how I feel about them and I just think reading letters from me after I’m dead might upset them and I feel is a bit morbid

I would rather express my feelings in the here and now

Maybe that’s selfish of me but it’s bad enough dealing with my life as it is without dealing with the thought of death

Probably I’m in denial ....I’ve just thought of maybe doing a will but even that to me feels as if I’m giving up...weird how our minds work isn’t it?

Barb xx

[Hidden in reply to Barbteeth]

Hi Barb,

I can understand how you feel. I was not keen on the idea at first, but I remember what happened when my mum died. It came as such a shock, as I was being told that she was recovering from cancer, not dying. When the time came we didn't know her wishes, so had to guess at them.

I just wanted to put down in writing how I would want my affairs handled so that there are never any "what ifs?" as to my wishes. For example, I have a different faith to all my relatives, so would not want any interference from my previous religion, and I would want my personal effects to go to those I have chosen.

You are not selfish to feel the way that you do. Facing the prospect of death is not easy for any of us. Who of us woke up the day of diagnosis knowing that we would be told we were going to be given a life sentence to face? I faced two such days: the initial diagnosis where I thought I was early stage and would be cured and then the day I met my oncologist who laid it all out on the table for me.

Sophie x

[Barbteeth in reply to Hidden]

I’ve actually today contacted my solicitor...made me think about getting everything officially on paper

I only have my hubby and girls to leave my stuff to but it’s a bit complicated as I still have a partnership in the practice and a company in my name and some policy things attached to the business

I’m absolutely crap with money so that’s why legal advice is a good plan for me

It’s just the personal letter thing I’m uneasy with

Barb xx

[Hidden in reply to Barbteeth]

Hi Barb,

That's probably a good idea. I still need to write a will. I know I should have done so by now considering how organised I am with everything else! I hope all goes well with the solicitor.

Sophie x

[Barbteeth in reply to Hidden]

Well he’s a mate...known him years so he’ll do a good job

Barb xx

[Hidden in reply to Barbteeth]

That's always handy! I wish you well, Barb.

Sophie x

[kearnan in reply to Barbteeth]

See you have much more than I have So its better because think of it as being easier for your family so that they can grieve for you. Otherwise things get bogged down in courts, family members start arguments over the littlest things. This way you have it all take care of legally and can relax. I am not going to be leaving letters and a video but like I said I have no family but I have my friends and I enjoy my time with them now. One of my friends (being kind) said if I ever had to go into hospice, she would come and stay with me. And I was like No way. When and if it comes to that, I do not want anybody coming to see me. This way I can prepare myself mentally for the life that I am leaving and the new life I will be entering. I want to be alone.

[kearnan in reply to Hidden]

I have had three friends I know die unexpectedly before me even with my stage iv. One was my next door neighbor who died in his sleep and he was four years younger than me, another one had a massive heart attack (she was so healthy before that) and one died from a severe asthma attack. This was all after I was diagnosed so even death is inevitable.

[kearnan in reply to Barbteeth]

We are all different. I would be worried bc I know I have no family and nobody to step up and take care of things once I am gone. I assume I would know when I am very sick and close to the end, but I did not want that on my mind. I had the lawyer at my cancer center and I have my last Will and Testament, my health care proxy, my power of attorney and all that was done by the lawyer at my cancer center and I have a copy and sent all the originals to my friend in FL. I have friends but they have kids and grandkids and it is a big thing to have to ask somebody who is NOT your blood to be the one to handle all the aftermath. That being said, I dont have much but somebody needs to tidy up things so I feel relieved that that is all done already and don't even think about it.

[Mindysooty]

Hi, I just think it's like everything else, if you feel it's something you can and want to do and it will make you feel better, then do it. I will later on, not ready to put pen to paper yet but I'll write a letter to my husband and each of my kids. Everyone's different but I believe it's something that they can keep and treasure, I know I would have if my own mum had been able to do that. Unfortunately, she passed unexpectedly so didn't get chance.

I'm also going to arrange my own funeral too and will pay for it and everything before I shuffle off. Not making light of it..... well I suppose I am, but it's just how I cope. I want an Eco Friendly funeral - there are places where you can be buried in a meadow rather than a churchyard - I'm not particularly religeous but if I was, then I believe my God would welcome my spirit wherever my old and cranky body is laid to rest. That's a long long way off for me though, I've far too much to do and I do have faith and believe a cure is just around the corner for all of us. xx Josie xx

[kearnan]

Within three months of being diagnosed with stage iv, because I have no family (none, not family that I do not talk to, I do not have family) I talked with my closest friend (bc it is a big request) if I pass, if she will come to NY from FL and take care of emptying out my apt., having me cremated, I do not want any type of funeral service. So I got that all done early in the beginning. My cancer center has a lawyer, and I did my will and last testament and two other lawyers came into to witness it (they do not allow any hospital staff to be witnesses), she is my health care proxy, I signed over the right for the hospital to use my skin (sorry, but I cant be an organ donor now), and a power of attorney. She knows my wishes and I trust her to follow them. I am leaving enough of my meager savings so that it will not cost her a penny. So I feel relieved knowing that I am not leaving a mess and nobody will come forward. That is all taken care of.