Ex girlfriend

[689908]

Hi

Long story short, I split up with my ex girlfriend while she was pregnant with our baby. The relationship fell apart.

Since then we have spoken about getting back together but if anything, her behaviour has worsened. In the last two days she has unleashed what I can only describe as vitriol in my direction, blaming me for the break up, hating my family and sting some really horrible things about me.

I was tempted to go back as we have a little boy together. He is the love of my life. He is such a treasure that I feel sick every minute I am away from him. But I don't want him growing up in a house where there is no love or respect.

In the past I had issues when we rowed. I would get really angry at things she said. Now after a lot of counselling I no longer get angry. I accept that she can be nasty. There is no getting through to her. But after two weeks of discussions where she has rubbished practically everything I said and told me there is someone new, a lot of the work I did has been neutralised again. She dies exert power over me all right.

Has anyone been through similar?

While she is a tyrant, I genuinely love her but have run out of things to say to her. I talk she replies destroying my argument. There is no point. She speaks about my past relationships like they were all my fault. All hers were the fault of the other person.

The horrible part is I will only see my little boy twice a week. Maybe I should just focus on that and look to meet someone new as she seems to be a very toxic person who is going to self destruct with her rage.

Thoughts?

[CornishBrian]

I am happy to say that I have never been in that situation but certainly feel for you. My two daughters both went through difficult breakups....my youngest when her husband walked out on her two days after her second baby was born...however, she managed to turn the situation around and I'm sure you may be able to do the same. Try not to go down the confrontation and arguing route with your ex. There will come a time when she will need help in looking after your son....maybe just for an hour or so at first but then progressing over a weekend etc. Stand back from the situation a bit but let her know that you are still interested in your son....even if it is by text or e-mail. Don't immediately go on the defensive at every thing that upsets you but try to remain calm. Most of all, build on what you have...little by little and calmly. Let her see that it is stability and love your son needs and you want to help her give him that. It will take time but relationship of any sort takes time so be patient and gentle. Once the angry words ease, then is the time to gently push back the barriers. My daughter, once there was an uneasy truce with her ex, even gave him some money to help him go away for a weekend with his mates....little things mean a lot.

[689908 in reply to CornishBrian]

Thanks Brian.

Two weeks ago she suggested we should be settled down by now. Last week she agreed to go on a date. This week she no longer wants to go on a date. Yanking my chain I feel.

I asked her for time with my son tomorrow (outside of my normal visiting time) and she got very angry. I couldn't get off the phone fast enough and she really tore into me. I am a decent bloke (I think) and have a lot to offer. I'm not the best looking but friends say if I gave it time I would meet someone who is for me who likes me and accepts me as me. My ex didn't and still does not believe me.

It's hard to think about moving on but I guess I have to or face going crazy.

[CornishBrian in reply to 689908]

She might not be the right person for you but when I said give it time, I mean with regards to building up a working relationship with her...when you can talk casually without it breaking down. Forget dating for quite some time...it's time with your son that is the priority so keep the chat friendly and just work on communicating without confrontation.

[689908 in reply to CornishBrian]

All good advice, thanks.

I have been single for 16 months and wonder will I ever be ready to date again

[thirteen]

689908, with love and compassion I say, "Don't go back!!!" I believe kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home. I raised 2 kids in a broken home, thinking I was staying for them, later facing the truth that I stayed because I was afraid of leaving and being blamed. Talk about guilt, grief and shame? I cringe when I remember what my kids heard and saw. Hurt people hurt people. You can't love her into being well. Follow CornishBrian's advice. Develop a great relationship with yourself and your son. Stop explaining, defending and justifying yourself to her. It's a vicious cycle and it doesn't get better. I use 3 deflector words: regardless, nevertheless & even though, practice using them. I use them in many situations where someone wants drama. They work. I also say, "I love you too much to argue with you." I'll say it over and Over and over. It works for kids and adults who act like kids, lol! They may not like it but who can argue with that? You could insert your son's name in that phrase. Beauty is skin deep but ugly cuts all the way to the bone! Best of luck to you.

[689908 in reply to thirteen]

This post has really helped me. Thanks a lot. Some really good food for thought there.

[OkevinC in reply to 689908]

Hey man it is crazy... I feel I'm in the the same boat. I have 3 years wishing and want my ex back .. I have 2 boys with her. When 2nd one was born after 1 month moved to her dads ...

BC I lost my job . . then I jumped back to some of my old ways.. Drugs.. Speed ..

But I'm not ur average user. I don't need to steel or fuck people over... I'm very giving in way. People have done me wrong.. Karma for them. Anyways so I have been in shitty situations... In and out of jail for driving on suspended license. 3 times

Um I recently got busted for the first for drugs ...

Well after she left me ..

I was aiming to kill myself. Its selfish of me yea.. So I have been slamming it for 2 years now. Don't get me wrong there was two time on my own I quit 1st time 3months 2nd time 6 months ..

To tell you the truth my life went to shit even worse when I quit.. Both times .. It was bad.. But I'm sure thinking how does this relate ...

My ex did the same shit to me. It like she has no heart.

No emotions .. And seems perfectly content with not having a boyfriend.. Its makes me sick.. Me and my kids are close.. I see them every weekend for the last 3 years ... I even had to move out of the state for 4 months . and I drove back and forth every weekend ... I know anyone that reads this is thinking yea rite.. A tweaker that has morals and is a stand up guy. Ha.. The truth is I am.. So still to this day I have been waiting for my chance .. I sound ridiculously like a pussy.. And im not bad looking. Im 28 tattooed and had my share. I was 20 when i had my 1st kid. I was faithful never cheated. she is the mother of my kids and no one will take my place in ther life as long as im alive...

But I'm not happy ever... To numb the pain drugs. I'll do anything .. I have a problem I have to always do more then anyone or everyone I'm with. I not bragging.. Well that felt better to get that out.. But hey stay positive and think ur life could be worse.

Look at me.

Hey ur kid will always love you... And trying tobuy there love won't work. My has money. She out does me every holiday.. Its tuff. I don't have a lot of money. I have no family its just me .. But I take my kids to the park or fishing. Bike ride anything free for the most part.

They are almost to the point that I'm number 1 to them .. And they rather be with me ..

Don't break promises. Stay strong.

[689908 in reply to OkevinC]

Thanks for that.

We all have problems - you have mentioned yours, but you sound like you would do anything for your kids. Same here.

I did get back with her, gave her loads of money and she dumped me again.

It just made me feel worse.

Thanks for replying & sharing, glad it helped you to talk about it.

[mhnmale Partner]

Hey Brian and others,

Glad you guys have been able to use this community!

-MHN