AGONY - extreme physical or mental suffering
- severe struggle
ECSTASY - overwhelming joy or rapture
It's just a normal day, or is it? Not for us it isn't - for you it's day number or week number or month number ?? of being a non-smoker. Me, I reach double figures today - day 10.
THE AGONY You get up, get washed and dressed and have your first tea/coffee of the day. What wouldn't you give to be able to light up a cig to have with it? But you can't and you know you can't as you've promised yourself that this time, yes it has to be this time, you will quit. Besides you didn't only make this promise to yourself, you told others on a blog of this promise and you also told a lot of other people who can read all the blogs about this promise. The fact is, that you can't have one because firstly, you haven't got one in your handbag, or anywhere in the house or anywhere at all come to that. Secondly, even if you could find just part of one in a coat pocket or down the side of the settee (yes you're that desperate) you've nothing to light it with as everything was thrown away on the day that you made your promise. Never mind you say to yourself, I'll call at the shop on the way to work and just get 10. So with a spring to your step you set off to work and then look, you can see the paper shop with its lights on, beckoning nay calling to you! You walk in the door and then disaster, you see your next door neighbour at the counter buying a paper and some mints and she speaks to you asking how you are doing with your no smoking. Then it gets worse as she points to the mints and tells you that you have inspired her to quit! What can/do you say? You can't admit to calling in for the specific purpose of buying 10 of those things you've given up - why today? why her? embarrassed does not cover it so you smile politely and answer, so so, it's hard sometimes and then add that sorry you must dash or you'll be late for work and you beat a very hasty retreat and think firstly thank goodness she was there very quickly followed by why on earth was she there as she's totally spoiled everything as you had it all planned out, just buying 10 wouldn't do any harm, would it? After all, it's not like you want to smoke all ten, one after the other, you only want one b****y cigarette. That's not a crime is it?
As you walk quickly down the street, you're trying desperately to think were is the nearest place that you can get just 10 cigs. Your brain is tormenting you as one second it's saying no, you don't really want/need one and just think of all that hard work that would be undone and for absolutely nothing just to satisfy a need that really and truthfully is just in your mind and the next second, it's telling you that of course, you're right, one won't harm you, after all it's not your fault that you have to buy 10 of the blasted things to get just the one that you want to smoke.
Then it hits you - there's a small mini market about 15 paces from your place of work and if you really hurry, you can call in there, get your ciggies, smoke the one that you really, really do want and still be on time for work. So you start walking faster and arrive at the shop to see a notice on the door that says 'closed due to illness' so your stride slows and you feel so let down and utterly dejected. So you go into work in a bad mood and your mood doesn't alter even though a little voice in your head is telling you that you've just had a very close call and really and truly you didn't want those cigarettes but then another louder voice says 'oh yes you did!'. You sit at your desk and keep looking at the clock willing it to go faster so that lunchtime comes quicker and then you can go to the shop and get your 10 ciggies - it's become an obsession now, you've just got to have those ciggies. You can't live without them, you need them, you want them, and besides you're only going to have the one - never mind that there will be nine left, you're only buying them to get the one that you so desperately want/need. You're daydreaming at your desk as all around you people are laughing and talking as they haven't a care in the world, whereas you, feel so alone, so unhappy and so desperate for that one ciggie that you start imaging how you can get your own back on the people that don't appreciate just what you're going through.
Your mind is working overtime - clingfilm under the toilet seats, paper towels in upside down, salt and pepper pot tops swapped over, you could go on but hang on, it's dinnertime now you can go and get your ciggies and you move so fast that people wonder if you are alright. They don't know but you do, you're not alright are you? This craving/needing/wanting is absolutely the worst you have had! You just have to have those ciggies as you feel that if you don't get them then you will go insane! You're outside the building, wondering which way to go to the nearest place that sells ciggies and then, it's like someone has grabbed your shoulder and is stopping you from going anywhere at all. You look all around you but there is no one in sight and yet you still can't move and you don't know why. Then it hits you - that last thought that you had 'if you don't get THEM'!!! Now you're thinking more than one and you know that one will not satisfy the voice in your head. You know that not even the whole 10 will satisfy that voice. Then you notice that you're still standing in exactly the same spot outside the building were you work. What you going to do now? Carry on to the nearest shop so that you can get your fix? Turn round and go back in the building and sit and eat your lunch? No-one can make the decision for you - you're a big girl and you and only you can decide which action to take.
You start thinking, there's Fags, sue52, monky (forgive me for not mentioning all you good people by name but this blog is going to be long enough) and a whole host of others - do you really want to go on and blog tonight that you have failed miserably and had a cigarette? You know as well in your heart that you wouldn't just be confessing to having the one the chances are that you would have smoked all ten to give you the courage to go on and admit what you've done. Is one ciggie worth undoing all the hard work that you've done already, having to tell everyone that you're a failure and that you aren't going to be able to retire in two years because your retirement fund has been spent on ciggies? The answer is obvious but you have to make your own decision and live with it.
Me? I went back into work and had my sandwich and a cup of tea followed by a banana (as they are exceedingly good/recommended for us quitters) and breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't given in - this time!
In fact, I was in ECSTASY as I was able to taste and enjoy every mouthful of my food and cup of tea.
On this occasion, I won the battle but the war continues and together we will defeat the dreaded nic - all for one and one for all! Togetherness means strength.
If you've had the patience to read through this then you too can quit.
Sweet dreams to all.
Hooray Sue's on her way back - good on yer!