Deceiving myself

I’ve been on this journey of life for 65 years. Most of the last 30 years deceiving myself that the 8-10 cigarettes I smoked daily were not really going to hurt me. I didn’t start smoking until my mid 30s when I was on. Self-destruct depression path. But even therapy and drugs did not end the self destruction that I started. (Not self medication drugs but under Dr care). The funny or not so funny part is every cigarette I smoked was going to be my last and sometimes it was for 2-3 weeks but then I’d jump boat and those convictions would go up I a puff of smoke!

Even this time it is about my 5th try in a matter of 4 weeks.

But now I’m scared. It’s only been 2 days this time but the tightness in my chest, the wheezing and constant cough are scaring the crap out of me. I go to Dr on Monday but the anxiety just makes me want to smoke again.

I’m trying to stay busy but the fear that I may actually self destruct this time is scaring the hell out of me.

I know I’m posting this to the public, and I am not really looking for comments or replies just kinda journaling my fear.

Phew. Now I just want to cry

4 Replies

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  • At least your trying 'your not a quitter until you give up trying'

    Smoking won't help your anxiety, smoking actually makes it worse, I listened (audio book) to Allen Carr, he explains all of this, have you read his book? It is amazing and really helps.

    When I first gave up I cried a lot, your losing your best friend, it's heartbreaking but it's for the absolute best, everything about giving up is good, everything about smoking is wrong.

    There are deep breathing exercises in the pinned posts, to help with the tightness in your chest, maybe they will help.

    It will be really tough for a few weeks, but we can do this!! 💪💪

  • Hi WillowSong, I think you are tying yourself up in knots here. You are obviously worried about continuing to smoke and the stopping and starting is probably irritating your lungs and with that you are coughing even more, chuck some anxiety in there with it and that is enough to make that chest tighten. I wouldn't normally suggest this but have you considered trying just to reduce those 8 /10 cigarettes down over a period of time? Then using NRT as an aid. Just thinking that sometimes we see a whole mountain to climb which wacks up the anxiety levels. Rather climb that mountain a bit at a time . So for a couple of weeks, do say 6 a day, then a couple at 5 a day and so forth . You seem to be trying so hard and then thrashing yourself when you don't succeed when sometimes what you need to do is remove some of that pressure. Most big goals are achieved in small steps not one big sprint to the finish . Sometimes a good old cry is what we need to do, so if that helps then why not . Xx

  • I can’t do the NRT. Makes me sick and patches make me break out in horrendous rash! Wish I could go that route. I am determined to slug this one out this time. And for the first time I have a little supporting encouragement from husband. Yea! I do find that this site really helps to “journal” my highs and lows. On a positive note I drove to the convenience store 2x but left without going in. Big accomplishment for me

  • Well done , that is an accomplishment, you are one determined lady. Keep pushing you will get there with that grit xx

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