I’ve been on this journey of life for 65 years. Most of the last 30 years deceiving myself that the 8-10 cigarettes I smoked daily were not really going to hurt me. I didn’t start smoking until my mid 30s when I was on. Self-destruct depression path. But even therapy and drugs did not end the self destruction that I started. (Not self medication drugs but under Dr care). The funny or not so funny part is every cigarette I smoked was going to be my last and sometimes it was for 2-3 weeks but then I’d jump boat and those convictions would go up I a puff of smoke!
Even this time it is about my 5th try in a matter of 4 weeks.
But now I’m scared. It’s only been 2 days this time but the tightness in my chest, the wheezing and constant cough are scaring the crap out of me. I go to Dr on Monday but the anxiety just makes me want to smoke again.
I’m trying to stay busy but the fear that I may actually self destruct this time is scaring the hell out of me.
I know I’m posting this to the public, and I am not really looking for comments or replies just kinda journaling my fear.
Phew. Now I just want to cry