Being to weak to take control of my life.
Not being able to say no to many things but especially nic.
Not being able to ‘brighten up’ and be happy that I’m alive.
Not being satirsfied with what I have got not what I haven't.
Not being able to fathom out why I joined this forum when I can’t even last 24 hours now without a cig.
Finding it so easy to blame anything and everything when in truth it comes down that it’s only me to blame.
Being unable to do as I say and not as I do.
Being unable or should that be unwilling to read and act upon how others cope.
Being unable to practice what I preach.
Being unable to pat myself on the back at capturing a rainbow in a pic.
The list could go on and on and on and on and on and if you haven’t yet realised today is c**p and even the nightmares I had at the beginning of my part success (43 days) are not a patch on the last 4/5 days of my life.
Honestly, I have practiced some of what I preach – folding carrier bags for the last 15 minutes – but it’s not worked – not even a little. Still up there as high as I can go and them some.
Practice run or should that be practice runs – I’ve been having those for days no make that 2 weeks and I’m never, ever going to be able to do it for real so I honestly feel that it’s not even worth trying.
If I was allowed to drive, I would drive myself somewhere quiet and possibly scream until I had either no breath left, a throat so sore that it hurt or just stay wherever I had driven but I would make damn sure that wherever it was, there was no temptation within reach and definitely no corner shop to buy them in – maybe that’s the answer – become a nun or a recluse!
Why put myself through the pain of trying to do the impossible yet again – why should I bother even to try?
Come on everyone – have a good laugh on me! Yeah the one who writes a good blog is a total idiot because she just can’t hack it.
Black Monday – no, jet black Saturday!
Want to know the truth folks – I’m scared. Scared that I will never, ever be free of smoking and when you’re scared you do what comes naturally when you’ve done it for so long and you smoke - you don’t quit - you take the easy option and carry on smoking but in private so that your other half doesn’t know.
Shame, yes. Ashamed of myself, definitely but that is the end of my story.