I HATE

I HATE

Being to weak to take control of my life.

Not being able to say no to many things but especially nic.

Not being able to ‘brighten up’ and be happy that I’m alive.

Not being satirsfied with what I have got not what I haven't.

Not being able to fathom out why I joined this forum when I can’t even last 24 hours now without a cig.

Finding it so easy to blame anything and everything when in truth it comes down that it’s only me to blame.

Being unable to do as I say and not as I do.

Being unable or should that be unwilling to read and act upon how others cope.

Being unable to practice what I preach.

Being unable to pat myself on the back at capturing a rainbow in a pic.

The list could go on and on and on and on and on and if you haven’t yet realised today is c**p and even the nightmares I had at the beginning of my part success (43 days) are not a patch on the last 4/5 days of my life.

Honestly, I have practiced some of what I preach – folding carrier bags for the last 15 minutes – but it’s not worked – not even a little. Still up there as high as I can go and them some.

Practice run or should that be practice runs – I’ve been having those for days no make that 2 weeks and I’m never, ever going to be able to do it for real so I honestly feel that it’s not even worth trying.

If I was allowed to drive, I would drive myself somewhere quiet and possibly scream until I had either no breath left, a throat so sore that it hurt or just stay wherever I had driven but I would make damn sure that wherever it was, there was no temptation within reach and definitely no corner shop to buy them in – maybe that’s the answer – become a nun or a recluse!

Why put myself through the pain of trying to do the impossible yet again – why should I bother even to try?

Come on everyone – have a good laugh on me! Yeah the one who writes a good blog is a total idiot because she just can’t hack it.

Black Monday – no, jet black Saturday!

Want to know the truth folks – I’m scared. Scared that I will never, ever be free of smoking and when you’re scared you do what comes naturally when you’ve done it for so long and you smoke - you don’t quit - you take the easy option and carry on smoking but in private so that your other half doesn’t know.

Shame, yes. Ashamed of myself, definitely but that is the end of my story.

14 Replies

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  • pic4ever.com/images/nocomme...

    But I still luva ya :D

    pic4ever.com/images/toyou.gif

    Tommorows another day.

  • Ohhhhh!!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!! :)

    You shouldn't have but thank you anyway! LOL :D :D :D

  • I nicked the flowers from the park :D At least your laughing :D

  • Ture so very true - hope no-one was watching you from the bushes - real crafty these park wardens you know! Could get yourself barred for life!

  • Surely that's not a warden I see

    Deep in the bush watching thee

    At the ready with pen and pad

    A fine methinks - oh you've been bad!

  • :D just been for my stroll to the park near me, good job I dont smoke as the wind takes your breath away. Going to watch the new on tv, haven,t had it on today, I surpose it,s more doom and gloom as per usual, nite Kath and all, speak tommorow.

    Mad

  • Night night Madi and thank you (for everything)

    Will catch you tomorrow I hope.

    Kath

  • Kath you are not alone,your thoughts are mine,but we will do it,we are strong,dont be ashamed,enjoy the flowers,even if mad nicked em..I used to turn a blind eye :)

  • Hello, not seen you for ages, hope you and your boys are well :)

  • thank you ,we are doing ok,tears still fall,but a lot of good times remembered.:)

    hope you are well Sin. I will be back ,totally know where Kath is coming from :) x

  • Sending you a big massive fat hug :-) i know it seems so impossible but remember we are all in this together and you are a fabulous support to others - please try to fight that demon little piggy the nasty nic! i hate him too and am fighting him like frury today (day 44) send nasty nic away !! hope you have a better evening x x marion x x

  • Thank you both - getting their slowly, slowly catchee Monky but not, I hasten to add, our Monky, as he might definitely be more than I can cope with on top of everything else especially as he will probably bring that inebriated toad with him!

    Hope you both have a rest of evening and a good nights sleep with plenty of happy dreams!

    Kath

    xx

  • Your day will come Kath - and besides what have you got to loose.

    Just have another go... when you feel like it. You're not the first, and you won't be the last to light up again. It's not the end of the World. So chill out now - tomorrows another day.

    All the best.

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