I FELL QUITE A LONG WAY BUT …..

To fall at all never mind how far the distance I must have been upright to start with otherwise I wouldn’t have fallen. So, I have been asking myself why did I fall (fail?) – did I do it on purpose? Perhaps I fell (failed) because I wanted to so in that respect I suppose logic would say that I did do it on purpose. But that can’t be correct or right because it isn’t logical or is it? Like anything else in this world that we live in, different people define words and actions unlike anyone else. Just because I failed doesn’t mean that is the end of my life. No-one wins all the time but if there are some that do then all I can say is they are extremely lucky people and it must be wonderful to be so secure in yourself. There are some that would say you make your own luck and that is very true. I do wonder though if sometimes I don’t realise just how lucky I am. I ought to be thankful for what I have got and 95% of the time I am truly grateful. Count your blessings is a phrase that I heard frequently when I was growing up and that is so true. Never mind what you haven’t got make the most and best of what you do have. We can all say if only or I wish or I want or even I need but for each and every one of us the answers to those questions will be totally different. They could even be different from one minute to the next so what does one do when you want something so badly but can’t achieve it? Does one try and try again and then stop trying because it seems impossible? Nothing is ever easy, even life itself can be hard sometimes. We are all so very different even though there is an old saying that states everyone has a double somewhere in the world – I wonder if that is true what exactly my double is thinking or doing at this present moment in time? Are they like me trying to stop doing something that is basically a very huge part of their life? I can’t remember that well what I did with my time before smoking. Smoking has been a constant in my life for so many years perhaps I am scared of what I life will be like without them dratted cigarettes when (not if) I quit. Since the beginning of 2013 I have tried to quit 3 times in total. The first time was New Year’s Eve which would seem to be a logical thing to do after all most people make a resolution and implement it on that particular day of the year. I think the attempt I made on that day lasted for a whole 6 hours and then I just stopped trying and carried on smoking. My second attempt was the 10th March and I lasted 43 days which even to me seems like a lifetime and it seems a lifetime ago to be honest. My third and last attempt was 5 days ago and I lasted precisely 3 days – Wednesday, Thursday and Friday – Saturday was the day that ‘trial’ came to an abrupt end. Today has been no better really. Someone commented on the board on my attempt on 8th/9th March (the 8th being my original date and the 9th then being the first day after the failure on the 8th with the resultant 10th March being the day for quitting proper) that to try and stop on a weekend was not a good idea. They were right – it was an extremely bad idea for me - but others have managed to do it but they were probably better prepared and more aware of the dangers of a weekend. So there you have it a sad but not unknown scenario of at least 3 attempts to quit that went, very clearly, by the board. I must admit however that I am proud of the 43 days I managed from 10th March and I know myself that it was my own fault that it failed because not only did I think I was invincible I also thought I could be the one that having one cigarette made no difference to. Pride comes before a fall and I certainly fell with a resounding bang and now at my age I know that when I fall, you don’t bounce at all, you just make this sickening thud noise!

I asked myself last week if I could pick myself up and start over and the answer seemed to be a very negative no. However, I managed it for 3 whole days! Wow Wee! 72 hours – actually 72 plus a bit but not sure how much. I’ve always thought that I was a reasonably strong person but that doesn’t seem to be the case at the moment. Maybe it’s because I am older but things do get to me more than they did when I was (a lot) younger. People reckon that nothing is impossible – that all things are possible – wonder if when they made that statement they knew how hard it was to crack this smoking malarkey? I would tend to think not BUT and it is a very large BUT there are people on here that have gone anywhere between 1 day and 1000’s of days without a cigarette so that to me means that the impossible is possible. The can’t be done can be done. All I have to do is do it – which is oh sooo easy to say but sooo very difficult to do! Keep the faith – but what faith? If I personally don’t believe I can do it then why should other people think that I can? When I was at school all I wanted to be when I grew up was an accountant but leaving school at 14 meant that it was a ‘pipe dream’. Sometimes though dreams do come true – I was 44 when I studied to become a Cost & Management Accountant (sponsored by the company I worked for at the time) – my dream turned into reality. So if I can go back to ‘school’ as it were and sit in a class at university and learn then surely I can do this, what should in theory be a relatively simple thing – say no to a cigarette, say no to smoking ever again.

I want to do this for me! I need to do this for me! I want to be able to say in 6 months’ time that this was the day I had my last cigarette. That this was the day that I decided not to smoke any more. That this was the day I decided to make something happen in my life that would make my life better for me. That this was the day I decided that it was time I thought about me and what I want for me, what I want to do for me and me alone, no one else, just me. Me, me, me, me – me first, me last, me in the middle and me at all points between the three. I have to ask myself then - is that selfish? Possibly and perhaps definitely but there is only me that can do this. I cannot ask anyone else to do it for me – it is a decision I must make by and for me – no-one else is involved at all – my life, my decision and probably thee biggest decision I will ever make in the whole of my life. Food for thought – yes. Pause for thought – yes. No brainer – most definitely as the positives are so many and the negatives but few and I can conquer the negatives - I have to otherwise I will fail yet again and I do NOT want to fail. This is one battle that I really, really want to win.

So, I am going to pick myself up, dust myself down, put my brain in gear and take the “bull by the horns” and start all over again. This time though, I will take it, if I have to, one second at a time because for every second that passes, I am a winner and seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours and hours into days and so on and so forth.

I will do this and for the best reason possible – ME!!!!!!!

Kath