Is it C-PTSD?

[MissDarlingtea]

So I've been struggling with flashbacks and memories occurring from events I tried to deny. I come from a loving family, that I'm extremely grateful for but sometimes it feels otherwise. From my mum, she did care but I felt like she wasn't too thrilled about it, she never asked about my day in school right from first grade, how I study or my assignments weren't really much of a concern. She also gets angry easily, like one time I felt nauseous and didn't want to eat, it earned me a blind eye for a month, another time I was seven and she asked me to sweep the floor, I thought I did it well but she seemed pissed and used the broom on me. I ended up having small cuts with small traces of blood, even hugs she'd look at me like I was some ghost. My dad did try, but it sometimes got too much. Like when I came back home late from a playdate when I was six only to get a whopping in front of guests the next day and I was on the floor leaning against a chair. It got worse as I got older, my mum who used to make fun of my height now saw it as a threat as I'm taller saying I'm trying to prove arrogant just because I'm taller and mind you I was keeping quiet, keeping my head down for any mistakes. The "lily is better than you, smarter than you" just because lily liked baking and I didn't. When I told my dad I did have an interest in fashion designing instead of baking, that earned me a slap with the words "talentless and skilless", I used academics to comfort myself, at school it wasn't any better. I was quiet and didn't like talking to people, I wasn't bullied just told I was ugly, or average looking, or no man would want to marry me. All my hope in my mum crashed when she said because I accidentally left my sister's bag at home "I should have aborted you, I could have, I had every right to and you won't do shit about it" she was trying to say how she was self righteous and kind not to have aborted me but it still stung. At some point I thought I was an unwanted pregnancy. The beating and yelling, and the smiling and laughing got me so confused. Everything started crashing, I started beating myself for my mistakes with a belt or wire, or slapped and punched myself. Scratching too. It wasn't to relief pain but to cause pain, I started hating myself, wishing I was tortured or abused or thrown out, beaten till I was weak both physically and mentally, so I caused it myself. I'd have breakdowns almost frequently, I wrote words like "stupid, senseless, idiot" on my wall, increased the beating and got a twisted sense of satisfaction from it. And kept quiet, didn't speak even when I knew I was right and they were wrong, but they still blamed me. Called me arrogant for not saying anything, called me a sadist for not smiling, a spoilt brat for crying even though I felt like a failure, a pathetic one, I felt stupid in front of my friends for every action I did, and when my mum started using the whole gender thing on me, that's when I lost it. I got triggered by the mere thought of someone marrying me or seeing someone getting married at all, because I was afraid I'd get beaten again as a woman, and I wouldn't be able to speak or talk about it, I always felt like I was overreacting, I still feel that way. Every nightmare is always about me running or escaping, I wanted to end it all five times, from the age of thirteen till now, the smallest critism made me feel like torturing myself the more, sometimes I feel choked up like I can't breathe, I'm not sure what is going on