In my mind, I'm feeling the typical overwhelm from post trauma. I'm just having a hard time today... Having to see their faces in my mind and 'hearing' their voices. They didn't love me as a human being. They could have loved someone or done something useful instead of abusing me.
I believe I'm 12 except I'm 40. I feel so stupid. I don't know what to do or what habits to adopt. I'm just never free. Just feeling sorry for myself I suppose... so tired of it! So, so, so, so, so, so tired.
I wonder if, in your mind and heart, you're still waiting for things to get fixed. For people to understand from back then and do something. Maybe you're waiting for apologies. Waiting for someone to make things right. If you do, then I'm with you. What a hard thing to carry around. I wasn't loved either. And I understand it stays with you. I've come to understand they were wrong. I know who I am, and they were the guilty ones. Yea, that really doesn't fix anything, but it's a focus in a different direction. What kinds of things do you like to do? What are you good at? What are you bad at? The past will never be fixed. It will never change that they didn't love you, and it's because there was something missing in them. I don't know what, only you do. Do you know how amazing you are? You survived and at 40 you're still reaching out. Be strong friend (yea, I know, they say that all the time). I'll be thinking of you.
I really did want a plain and honest explanation. Or if they didn't know why they did what they did, they could just tell me that too. Just to know. I'm curious as to why me. I think they have the answer. I really appreciate you saying I'm still reaching out at 40! I'm still straining to piece my little life back together and start being an adult! Lol. I also wish you well on your life journey.
I'm sorry your struggling maybe we can help each other
You and me both. Im 65 my current bout wth negativity started 7 years ago.
Thank you for your replies. I have only 2% moments where I feel free of this b.s. I just wanted them to like me, love me back, and be who they claimed to be. The underhanded way abusers operate is bad. What personally hurt me the most is that they have a fake persona where they'll actually laugh with you, and then the abuse was complicit to them.
What a waste of an opportunity to love another human instead of placing your hands where they shouldn't, and offering cruel language to someone who LOVES you. A child who only loves you. How unbelievable that abusers don't care when confronted and blame the victim every time.
And I want now that it's over, is that happy ending. I want them to like me. I want us to be normal. I want to get along and just be cool. I often wonder what it was about me, but it leads to nowhere. I have no answers. I have to live with what they did. Even therapists have told me to 'move on.' I'm afraid I don't know how move beyond flashbacks and attaching to the times when they were acting normal, laughing, and kind.
I understand. I’m tired to. I’m physically exhausted and emotionally wrecked. I don’t know how to help you since I’m in the same boat as you. It sucks!!!
Awww, a huge Internet (((hug))) to you. Bless you.
Any help or advice