Afraid to be Loved

[FarmLady1967]

I was sexually abused by my father and brother when I was young. My mother was verbally abusive, she told me I was ugly and no man would ever want me. Past relationships with men were also both physically and mentally abusive. Now I finally found a kind, gentle man who loves me, but I don't know how to accept it. I keep thinking it's all going to end just like every other relationship I've been in. How can I let someone love me when I feel so unlovable??

[litethatnevergoesout]

are you seeing any type of therapist for this trauma?

[FarmLady1967 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Yes, I am seeing a therapist... would just be nice to get someone else's perspective on this... anyone else out there who might understand?? Thanks

[GreenTea4Me]

I get it, I have a very similar story and I am also your age. Also my mother committed suicide when I was young so the unloveable part runs very deep. I wish I could say that I have beaten it and found the answers but I'm still struggling in my current relationship. What I can say is that I have come to realize that my feelings are very powerful, that my feelings can sometimes be coming from someplace far in the past (childhood), and that my feelings sometimes can get in the way of my wiser mind making good decisions for myself. Not to say that my feelings are always misleading and there have been times when the feeling was fear or mistrust about someone and it proved to be valid, which only served to build more fear and distrust in me. But I also notice that there is a part of me which longs to trust and love maybe just a little too much, if that makes sense, like, in a childlike way because I never experienced that in childhood, and I think I keep looking to have that experience even though it may not be all that smart or even fair to myself or the other person. No-one is going to be my parent. I guess all this is to say, our feelings have a lot of power over what we decide to think and do, and when we have been through a lot of trauma, we can have very powerful feelings that sometimes can even contradict each other, and it can be a tough and a lifelong process to sort through. I'm not great at meditation, but I do find that sometimes if I just get quiet with my eyes closed and let my mind run, maybe imagine things I love, like horses or the ocean, it can take me out of myself for a bit and help me inhabit the 'me' that isn't subject to whatever I am feeling based on how someone else around me is behaving. I hope that your man is kind and patient enough to help you work through your feelings, and that you can one day accept that you are lovable even if you don't have a man.