heavy heart

[Walking18]

it is with a very heavy heart I write on here my mum gained her wings at 3am today.

After all the years of caring for her and visiting her in the care home I wasn’t there 😭I fell asleep on her bed last night and woke at 12.15 when the carers came to check in her. They said if I wanted to go and get some sleep they wud ring if there was any change.

3.20 I got the call telling me that she had gone - I feel so guilty that she was on her own why didn’t I stay with her 😢

[Mel547]

The same happened to me , spent days with my mum and I’d only been gone 2 hours and she went peacefully, I’m convinced she wanted to save me the pain . One lovely Carer sat me down and said it was far more important that I was with her while she lived than when she died xxx

[Walking18 in reply to Mel547]

Thank you for helping me accept that it’s not a bad thing and from what the carers have said they have seen the same thing many times 😢x

[AliBee1]

I am so sorry for your loss. Now it is time to be kind to yourself as your Mum would have wanted. So many times one hears that a person passes on when their loved one has left the room as if by leaving the room you are giving them permission to go without hurting you by seeing that happen. As Mel537 says it is so much more important that you were their for her when she was alive. Big hug Ali Bee

[Walking18 in reply to AliBee1]

Thank you so much - it seems a common thing that this occurs when a love one is left alone

I had booked a spa date for tomorrow with my 2 daughters who both happen to be home at the minute and it has taken us nearly a year to plan🙈 I was thinking of cancelling but they won’t let us change despite the circumstances need 48 hours notice. Does this seem disrespectful to still go😞

[Willowden in reply to Walking18]

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you can take some comfort in the release for your mum. I’m sure the years of caring for our mums and knowing what was coming does not make this time any easier.

As for your spa day, as long as you want to go, then what a wonderful way to honour your mum. I imagine being with your daughters and talking about your mum and remembering her before she was ill will help you tremendously at this sad time. Take carexxx

[Walking18 in reply to Willowden]

Thank you for your kind words - hearing from people really does help. It’s just strange after looking after mum and visiting her being part of a daily routine not to feel lost 😞I know I will get there and it just takes time but also strange knowing I’ve got no parents with me now 😢

[AliBee1 in reply to Walking18]

I think your Mum would have given you a thumbs up and told you to go ahead and enjoy xxxxx

[Walking18 in reply to AliBee1]

Thank you xx

[Wigwambob in reply to Walking18]

I am so sorry for your loss but please go to your spa day . It will do you the world of good to spend time with your daughters and to remember the good times had with your Mum. Take care.

[pmcdonough1]

Sending you peace and comfort. Being with your daughters should be comforting. Your mum wants you to love and be loved. You have been a devoted daughter to your mum. Take one day at a time and relish the beautiful memories you and your mum shared.

[Walking18 in reply to pmcdonough1]

Thank you for your lovely message - this group totally understands how it feels so grateful for you all xx

[Bergenser]

I can echo what others have said about being out of the room at your loved ones final moments - this happens often and is not a reflection of your devotion. You've done all you could for your Mum now, so allow yourself all the emotions, enjoy time with your daughters and let go of the guilt. Remember your Mum and not the disease. All our warmest thoughts go out to you and your family now and in months to come 💜💜💜

[Walking18 in reply to Bergenser]

Thank you for your lovely reply it’s so comforting to read such lovely words on the first morning I wake up without my mum 😢the support from this group has been amazing, the only people who truly understand ❤️

[eurolynch]

The spa day could be perfect. Bless you x

[Walking18 in reply to eurolynch]

I hope so

I’ve just woken up and it was one of those moments where everything was ok for a few seconds and then it hits again 😢

[Dance1955]

So sorry this happened to you i was with my husband when he passed but to be honest I will tell you that I was told by a hospice doctor that they really are not there in the last couple of weeks and we feel guilty for not being there but she probably wouldn’t have known that

We all do an amazing job caring for our loved ones with this horrible disease your mum was very lucky to have you all the years a lot of people don’t have that

Also she might have prefered for you not see her go and would want you to remember the better times

Be kind to yourself you have done a fantastic job caring for your mum

Hugs to you

[Kelmisty]

I’m sorry. She knew you loved her and that’s the only thing that was important.

Time to grieve but remember she isn’t suffering anymore which is a blessing too. X

[45purple]

So sorry for the loss of your mum. Don’t feel guilty about not being there. That’s easy for me to say I worked 13 years in care 10 in a care home and many family’s sat with their loved ones and as soon as they left to freshen up this happened. May your mum RIP now that’s she is pain free. Take care 💜

[Blacklabmum]

I am so sorry for you but please don’t let guilt compound your grief, you don’t deserve that. It happens so often and shows us it’s out of our control xx

[LuisRodicioRodicio]

Reproducing the phrase of Anne-Heady:

"Never forget to get plenty of rest, ask for help and most of all, ditch the guilt!"

A big hug.

Luis

[Leosta]

Oh bless you, my heart goes out to you.I've heard this SO many times. It's like death is a private thing. A person slipping away when the carer has just left. She wasn't on her own, the angels and her deceased loved ones were with her.

Be sad, but NOT guilty. Mum is at peace and smiling down at you.

Hugs and prayers winging their way to you

x

[daddyt]

So very sorry for your loss.

Hugs and prayers,

Tim

[Golden63]

So sorry for your loss, but then again your Mum no longer has this condition and she is now at peace of which she will be wanting you to have. Big hugs for you and your family xx

[Walking18 in reply to Golden63]

Thank you I’m trying to keep focused on the fact that she is no longer suffering and is at peace hopefully back with my dad 🫶🏽

[Purrlie]

I hope you and your family can be comforted knowing that your Mum is no longer suffering. Our youngest grandson, 8 when his Grandad died, told my son a couple of days later, just out of the blue and very matter-of-factly, that "Grandad has golden wings." I am certain your Mum has golden wings too. Big hugs to you and the family. Purrlie

[Walking18 in reply to Purrlie]

Ah that is so lovely - I do hope so thank you for this x

[Zerachiel]

So sorry for your loss, 🫂

[SammyGee]

I went through similar a few weeks ago with my wife of 52 years. The PSP had been getting progressively worse and she had spent her last 3 months either in the local hospital with bouts of aspirational pneumonia, or in the nearby rehabilitation centre. She clearly had not been great, but nothing indicated that she was that close to the end. Then overnight one night she took a real turn for the worse - I did get a call in the early hours and went to her bedside, but she was clearly out of it and after a few hours she took her last breath. Every day since I have wondered is there anything else I could have done, but this disease is so awful I realise there was nothing. I miss her very much, but that is the woman I knew before this 'thing' took hold. Now I believe that she is in a better place and wouldn't have wanted to go on the way she was. I have taken a break, something that was impossible while I was caring for her, and have gone to a place where we previously had experienced a wonderful holiday. The family are never going to forget her, the wonderful lady that she was, but we do just have to move on don't we?

[Walking18 in reply to SammyGee]

I’m so sorry to read this and can empathise with you totally it’s an awful disease robbing us of those we knew and leaving a shell that we no longer recognise.

I just feel so sad at the mo, I lost my dad 3 years ago and my father in law a couple of months ago and now my mum. Everything just seems to be testing me.

Like you I haven’t been in holiday for years having cared for my dad, help with my father in law and then my mum. She was in a nursing home for the final 2 years but between my sister and myself there wasn’t many days we didn’t visit and spend time with her. My whole routine will now change I just feel at a loss - my daughters have both been home this weekend but going back to Newcastle and Kent where they are at college. It’s gonna be a very lonely time for me, I will throw myself into making the funeral arrangements but then what?

[SammyGee in reply to Walking18]

Yes it will be strange. I am lucky to have friends and family who are very supportive, and I am sure we will both get through it.

[NHGrace]

Don’t beat yourself up! Sometimes people choose to go when alone. It actually happens far more often than people realize. She would’ve wanted you to have some well-deserved rest. And you were by her side all these years, when it mattered the most!

My mom also went when I wasn’t there - and as much as it hurt me, I took it as a sign of her being stubbornly independent!! (This coming eventually, after all the guilt subsided.)

Be kind to yourself!

[bazooka111]

I read your post and tears started flowing . . . I cared for my sweet Momma for six years, and the night of her passing I was so exhausted that I fell asleep — she passed and I too, carry that with me —- I have had to remind myself of the days, months, and years that I did my best to care for her. Your loved one knew the care and love you provided. Warm hugs to you. - Kim