Hello lovely people, I haven’t posted on here for a while as I haven’t really known where to start. As you all know my wonderful husband of only a couple of months passed away on 26th Dec and life has been a whirlwind wind of mixed emotion since then. I coped fairly well to start with as there was so much to do - paperwork, funeral preparations etc. But now it is all done and I can just describe a deafening silence so I am trying to keep busy and will return to work on a very gentle phased return starting tomorrow which I think will help. This sounds a bit negative so I will share some of the positives- Steve’s funeral was a true celebration of life, I asked the hospital chaplain who married us back in October to conduct the service and I asked everyone to wear a little bit of bright yellow/green as Steve always wore a running top that colour. I laid his running top and trainers on the coffin along with my very bright flowers that I got for him, then I had a single bright pink flower laid across his top to represent my love of running in bright pink which he used to claim he hated- it was a bit of a joke between us. I managed to stand up and speak about Steve and to this day I don’t know how I did it but somehow I did. I had been to see Steve in his coffin and he looked so well, better than he had for months and you couldn’t tell at all that he has donated his brain to research. The funeral really helped me to cope and as I say it was a real celebration of his life. I collected his ashes a couple of weeks ago and he had his last night at home but I was surprised how big and heavy the urn was. The next day I drove to the park where we met at parkrun and I put the urn in my rucksack and took him on our last run together and then sprinkled the ashes under some trees near to the bandstand where we used to congregate and chat with the other runners every Saturday morning. So now I can visit him each Saturday morning and whenever I run down to that park. So that was all very positive but now I have done it all I feel a sense of loneliness and silence and in many ways I am struggling more now. But I am going to try and focus on getting back to work and in 6 weeks time I am going on a trek to Everest Base Camp, something I have had planned for a couple of years, it will be Steve’s birthday while I am away so I will take a little tipple of his favourite drink with me and toast him in the mountains. Thank you all for listening I feel better for writing it down. Love to you all wherever you are on this journey and remember to live for now as we never know what the future holds
Love Sarahxxx
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Hiking13
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Hi Sarah. Nothing you have posted above sounds unusual in the loss of a beloved and the deafening silence afterwards!
Bizziness helps and getting back to work, but your returning to work and your planning for the future sound to me like you already have one foot up the ladder steps!
You have come far in accepting that your Steve has gone, and you are getting on with your life. At the same time you have those brief snatched moments of your beautiful life together, that you can remember. You will always have those memories, and I am sure you regret nothing - except that it was cut short.
You did a great deal of your grieving while he was sick, but you achieved everything you both wanted to happen after you knew time was short!
You are doing great! Talking to your friends and colleagues will help the healing. That has been stated as fact on this site and understood by all of us who have lost. It is why we still post and reply since it helps us all to heal.
As time passes the hurt lessens but not the sorrow of missed opportunities. But that too eases in time and "ME" becomes important as you chase other opportunities now open to you.
Such as Base Camp, Everest! What an adventure to look forward to!
Enjoy when the time comes! Don't forget to post some pics!
Hi Sarah, we all grieve and cope with our devastating loss in different ways but I think, hope, pray you will be OK. I too got back into doing things as soon as I could, a holiday within weeks of losing my darling, as I retired when Colin became ill I haven’t returned to work but am seldom in. I found being with people and laughing a lot, a great healer so when I am alone, I’m never lonely. The only time I do feel lonely are on occasions like Christmas or at parties where there are so many couples but people are so sensitive. At a party before last Christmas, when a slow dance came on, two couples grabbed me and we danced with arms around each other in a group of 5. Bizarre but we laughed a lot .
Have an amazing time on your Everest trip. My son did it and his photos were amazing. A never to be forgotten experience. He even made the local newspaper.
I hope work goes OK. It may be difficult when you arrive as some may not know what to say to you but things will soon become “normal”.
Very best wishes to you. I’m sure Steve would want you to make the most of the short time we have on earth as I think all our loved ones would.
Wow! Everest Base Camp! Steve and I did that some years ago now, but still remember it. Secret is take your time, as with anything in life, especially grieving. It is one minute at a time. I have found to my cost recently, that coping is not enough, you have to learn to live as well. Your trek will be brilliant for this, as you will have to think of yourself the whole time.
What a beautiful eulogy, or maybe not that in its exact sense. However what you have achieved so far is amazing and something to be very proud of. Good luck on your return to work, Take care of yourself. My respect to your forthcoming expedition. Life us for living so you go girl. Sending love and hugs. Pam
I'm pleased you feel better for having shared your story, it is a great healer to relieve yourself of those feelings to people who understand. You sound as if you are a person to take on a challenge and greiving for someone you love and loose is a huge challenge so hats off to you. I admire you for tackling the Everest Base Camp, wow, hope the drink you intend to toast Steve with is a hot toddy, think you may need it up there. Sending you my best wishes both for the mountain challenge and the returning to work, this grieving thing can take time, I'm 10months down the line and hardly feel I've dipped my toe in the water yet but others have a different experience, it's so individual.
Thank you, grieving is a weird process as you think you are ok and suddenly you aren’t and for some reason these last few days have been really hard xx
Thank you for sharing an update - it is good to hear from you. We all learn so much from each other on this site - how to live with PSP and how to live a different life afterwards. Your story and that of Heady, Katie , NannaB and so many others give me a realistic expectation of some of the challenges for the future. I have no doubt you will succeed in your base camp trek you have so much determination . Hope the next few months treat you kindly as you step into so many “firsts”
Hi Sarah, You sound like you are handling things really well. Keeping busy with loved ones and friends around certainly helps. I intended to do some volunteer work but I have been so busy with friends and family I really don't have the time. I realise there will be a time that these things will ease up.
I'm still having trouble accepting that my dearest TJ is not with me anymore. My loneliest time is meal times. When I go out with friends I feel cheated that I'm the only one without a partner as TJ was the first of our friends to lose their partner. (We had been married 47 years).
TJ and I loved cruising and after talking to him before his death, he said he would like me to go on a cruise and send him off during the cruise. I don't know about anywhere else in the world that do this but in Australia we can have ashes put into biodegradable lovely container that can go into the sea, float for a short time and then sink.
We had a cruise booked for the June, 2018 but he passed in May 2018. He had told me he wanted me to go on the cruise as we were booked with my daughter, son in law and three grandsons. The family were going to organise a short cruise where we could give him his send off, but on the cruise in June the weather wasn't very good and after seeing the sea black and rough I decided I couldn't do it.
We live near a beautiful lake here - Lake Macquarie- where TJ was a plumber on the local council and worked all around the lake. I think that we will lay him to rest there, but I'm not ready just yet as I have his ashes at home and find it quite comforting. I talk to him all the time. (Thank goodness there's no answer).
Don't let anyone tell you what you should be doing or feeling. We all handle things differently.
Thank you Caz and I am glad you still managed to go on your cruise, we had just discovered cruises and had a lovely one booked for our honeymoon but had to cancel, we had planned to do so many cruises together we had a massive list but I do intend to do them myself as I know that’s what Steve would have wanted. I talk to Steve all the time and I always go to the little clump of trees when I go to the park and I have a chat with him there too.
Hello Hiking, a couple of months before my husband died he cried in my arms saying he was worried about leaving me. In that moment I made a promise to him that I would be OK and I am trying my best to keep that promise, as darned hard as it is. To be honest, I feel like the piece of jigsaw that has gone missing just waiting to be slotted in to where I belong to complete the picture. There are not shortcuts to grief and four months on for me I find the triggers are everywhere and some days can be overwhelming. I am so pleased to hear you are going to do Everest base camp, a huge step for you I am sure. I have booked a walking holiday in Tuscany for early October - the world is a beautiful place and I want to get out there and embrace it, fulfilling my promise to Rod that I will be OK. I hope that returning to work is helpful and that your forthcoming trip will be a big step in your healing journey. With my best wishes, HilsandR.
Thank you and I can relate to everything you have said. I know Steve was desperately worried about me but I told him that I would be ok and I am determined that I will be but sometimes it is so hard and things just catch me out like scraping the ice off my car this morning before going to work, we always did that together and then we would go out separate ways at the roundabout and that caught me off guard this morning. But I did have a good morning at work and managed to teach some maths and explained to my classes why I hadn’t been there for so long I had to explain my name change as I hadn’t been back to work since our wedding as Steve became so poorly. I am determined to keep busy and my daughter and I are going to the ballet tomorrow night so that will be nice.
Well said. We all know that grieving is a process but as exemplified by the comments here it is a different process for each person. You seem to be doing well,even at times though you may not feel like it.
I am nearly 2 years into my journey without my beloved husband of 53 years and still am feeling that deep sense of loneliness,especially when with other people. He loved being with other people so I guess that is why with other people I feel that a part of me is missing. However I feel that I cope well and put on a good front. That is the best I can do!
Live life and enjoy .Laughter is indeed good medicine!
Definitely agree with that laughter is so good for us. However it is the huge loneliness that I find difficult because even with other people I still feel lonely without Steve, he was also very good company with other people. But life goes on and we just have to adapt I suppose
Thanks for keeping in touch. The Celebration sounds lovely and uplifting, and a warm tribute to your man.
You are entering a difficult stage of grief now: supportive people who genuinely care, just can't understand or deal with the permanence of this loss. They reach out, but they want to see you "getting better" and of course their lives have moved on!
As our Heady always says, you must do grief 'your way'. Still, as a new widow myself, I think it is good to be busy and do "normal" things whether you feel like it or not. Good for you going back to work. The action of engagement even with people who aren't focused on your loss at all, is healthy.
Thank you everything you say makes sense it’s so good to talk to people on here as they get it and I certainly feel better knowing that what I am feeling is similar to others.
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