Last night I received a call from my mother in laws caregiver, she was out of control with anxiety. I left work and went over, I didnt know what I would walk into, when I arrived she was laying on the couch soaking wet. I thought she just came out of the bath, instead she riled herself up so much that she sweat right through her clothes.
I sat beside her and talked to her about what she is feeling, now being Italian, we are VERY dramatic people, she told me she wanted to die!!!! You see, my mother in law is a very spiritual person, so I told her please dont say that, you are hurting God he gave you this life as a gift..finally she calmed down and we talked about her not being able to sleep. Then I got the answer no one wants to hear, she told me she was afraid to die in her sleep. We talked about her life and I asked her if she thinks she lead a good life in the eyes of God, she then asked for our priest, she wanted to confess her sins. Is she ready??? I dont know but I will help her be ready.
By then my husband arrived and we told her we had to go to my moms, you see my parents are also elderly and my mom tends to my dad who has had numerous strokes. The minute we arrived we got another call, she had soiled herself and the caregiver could not lift her to clean her...off we went to help. My husband was nervous, he had never seem his mom in that state and I would not let him, I took care of it.
Seeing someone at their most vulnerable is something you cannot describe, I went to the bathroom and told her to put her frail tightly twisted arms around my neck and lifted her, while she was being cleaned I asked her if she wanted to learn how to dance, she never danced...that made her laugh.
When we finally brought her to bed, she asked for me to massage her legs, as I was doing this she told meonce again that she loved me....I had to hold back all the tears that I have wanted to shed for a year..last night she fell asleep infront of me, but just before I told her not to be afraid to fall asleep, I would talk to her tomorrow so she could remind me to call the priest.....I sit waiting for her call
I dont want this to sound like its about what I DO, its about what we have all done and will continue to do for the ones we love...its raw , but its real