So my mate said to me: "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said: "Where did that come from?".
Archaeologists believe they have uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare..
a spokesman for the dig said "They are so badly chewed on the ends, we can't tell if they are 2B or not 2B"..
I had the worst steak of my life last night, it was all tough and rubbery. That's the last time I eat in a Michelin restaurant..
My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.
Most ornamental figurines found in gardens are only 30 cm tall and wear red hats. It's a little gnome fact..
Of course everyone knows about Fred Astaire, who was renowned for dancing down sweeping staircases with his leading lady.
Less is known about his brother Stan, who was known for lifting ladies up them..
I seem to have a speech problem. Every time I wake up and go down for breakfast. I have full intentions of asking for muesli, but I just blurt out “Full English Please”instead..
Why not buy shares in a perfumery like Dior or Chanel.? Go on. You know it makes scents.
I was surprised to see a uniformed police officer in a field this morning with a paintbrush pallette and easel.
I complimented him on the quality of his painting. The cart load of hay looked so realistic, and he had captured the movement of the trees.
He said he was the local Constable..
I went for a COVID test yesterday and the nurse asked me if I'd had a sudden loss of taste.
"No", I replied, "I've always dressed like this.
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though, you coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, "Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?".
After a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa.
Had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.
The spread of Corona virus is dependent on 2 things,
1,- How dense the population is.
2.- How dense the population is..
I rang a plumber from the Yellow Pages "John Brown, 24 hour Plumber"
He arrived and set to work.
20 minutes later my house was flooded!
'How long have you been a plumber?' I asked
'24 hours' he replied.
My friend was really impressed with how quickly my chimpanzee arrived from Amazon, I said that's what happens when you've got prime...mate.
The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream. Can't wait to rub it in..
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords..
I’ve just written off my car skidding on a patch of humus....nobody warned me of the hidden dip in the road.
Every 10 years the government gives us paperwork to fill in, last time we did it we had a guest who did it for us. Yes it was John Denver, he filled out our census.
Glen Campbell weighs 57.16kg
. . He’s a Nine Stone Cowboy.
Went to a family reunion with 29 relatives attending. Auntie Penelope was hosting our get-together.
There were some I recognised from previous gatherings. Others I had seen in photographs, but there was one chap in the corner who I had never seen.
I asked Pennie who he was. She said: "That's your cousin Robert. I am his niece."
That's when I replied:
"So Bob's your uncle.?"
.Quiz questions, answers tomorrow.
1. What is the largest internal organ in the human body?
2. Who in Elizabethan times was the first Queen’s Counsel and later became Lord High Chancellor of England under James I. He was said to be the “father of empiricism”?
3. What is the circumference of any circle, divided by its diameter?
4. What TV series from 1972 -1983 about the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital is stuck in the middle of the Korean War?
5. What type of animal is a Whitemargin Stargazer?
6. What was the name of the TV programme that ran 1977-1983 about Californian Highway Patrol Officers?
7. Gates, Royer and Griffin formed which group in 1968?
8. Which mod revival group’s debut single in 1977 was “In the City”?
9. How are amateur radio operators often referred to?
10. What is Cazu Marzu that is only officially to be found in Sardinia?