A piece of black tarmac and a piece of pink tarmac are having a drink in a pub. Suddenly there's a commotion as piece of green tarmac kicks the doors open, storms up to the bar, helps himself to a pint, smashes the empty glass against the wall and storms out again, deliberately knocking over three tables on the way.
"You're not gonna let him get away with that, are you?", the black tarmac asks the landlord.
"Oh, you don't wanna mess with him", he replies, "he's a cycle path".
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the very least I could do.
Had a massive row with my boss the other day.
Just one of the benefits of working at the boating lake
A Spanish woman has given birth to identical twin boys named Juan and Amal.
She told journalists I only carry one photo of the babies because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"
I went to our local Chinese restaurant last night and got chatting to the waiter. He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a Kamikaze pilot. Because he was Chinese he was given the Call Sign 'Chow Mein'.
I said 'Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?' To which he replied -
'I was Chicken Chow Mein'
I used to have a fear of chestnut trees.
But then I conquered it.
A beginner's guide to chromosomes:
XY - Male
XX - Female
YYY - Delilah
Grandson Frank asked " Grandad where does poo come from?"
To make it simple I just said.
"You just had breakfast?"
"Yes" he replied
" well the food goes into your mouth down into your tummy. Then your body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food, and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet it comes out as poo".
He looked completely confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds.
Then he asked " And what about Piglet"🙉