My Chinese friend next door said to me "I've opened a crows shop"
I said, "Don't you mean a clothes shop?"
He said, "No, a crows shop, come and take a rook.
I asked my local baker why all of his cakes were 50p but one was £1.
He said “that’s Madeira cake”
I rang Sea World to buy some tickets.
I got a message that said this call may be used for training porpoises
An 89 year old bloke got stopped by the police around 2am and was asked where he was going at this time of the night.
He replied " I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer asked " Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of the night?"
Bloke replies " That would be my wife "
just met the manager of the Chinese restaurant where Toyah Willcox eats.
It's a Mr Wei.
I was in a Scottish pub last week, also doing a crossword. I got stuck on “stranded on a desert island”. Eight letters. I had the first two letters “MA”. When a local Scotsman said “marooned” six people asked for a pint of lager.