I would like to say that there are many of you who have long term illnesses and your own individual problems
I came on this site due to my own isolation and anxiety however many of you have been supportive but some indirectly make me feel as if I do not apply enough effort to change my position
I realise I am a fifty year old and it is time she took responsibility for her own life
May be as I have been a carer for an elderly parent I have found it difficult to move on and make the necessary progressive changes
It saddens me due to my own anxiety how I feel some in here think she should just do it instead of talking
I wish at time’s I did have the self confidence and self belief I once had
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Roukaya
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I have been feeling for a long time that I need someone to "stand up for me" but there isn't anyone. I imagine you are feeling like this too as you are on the receiving end of some sort of verbal abuse, as am I. When you are not well this is very hard to deal with. At least on this forum, we can all at least say what we feel without anyone telling us we don't have that right. Everyone here has an illness and we have that in common and so with the empathy that we have, we can relate to each other well.
Hi Roukaya age doesn't really have anything to do with it. You can lack confidence at any age and everyone is different. Some people deal with stress easier than others.
Have you tried Rescue Remedy? It's wonderful for helping with stress. The Bach flowers are amazing. Try Larch for confidence and they are all natural. If you would like me to explain about them please contact me. Best wishes Pam
I think that we all love and support you, no, I know we do!
The problem is honey as far as I see it is that you ask us for advice on the same things time after time. We answer you with the best love and support we can give.
Then you ask the same the next day, and the next...…. when you say you have had adverse comments it's only cos we can't keep repeating ourselves, darling, you actually DO have to help yourself as well. We do all care xx
I think it is very difficult to know how to help sometimes.
When people read posts and take the time to reply I think it is to encourage and offer support and perhaps a solution.
But text can be read incorrectly depending on how someone is feeling. Especially if you are vulnerable.
I have to agree with leo60, we can listen and offer ideas and solution but at some point you are going to have to help yourself. Unfortunately we cannot do it for you. Although we would big we could!😉
I know I replied to you about getting out and about and seeing new parts of the world. I'm sorry if that upset you but I was trying to encourage you to see that there is a while world out there to enjoy and you can take baby steps to see and explore new places and that can help build your self-esteem and confidence.
I was only trying to help.
When I read a post I think "how can I help?" And if I think I can then I respond. I never reply with the intention of wanting to upset someone.
Equally, I can only be honest with someone and you might find that in my honesty to your question, you get unnerved.
Speaking generally I find that
When someone asks for help many times and advice is given but not taken or acted upon, it leaves the person or people who are giving the advice at a bit of a loss as to how to help someone.
Maybe we should just be here to listen and reassure you and not try to overwhelm you with solutions? Would that be more comfortable for you? It's so much easier when I know what someone really needs to hear. Do they need to help find a solution to a problem or do they just need an ear to listen to them and support them.
Living with your anxiety must be so awful but you express yourself on this platform so well.
Maybe I was just trying a bit to encouraging? If so, I apologise and will only listen in the future.
Good evening Roukaya, It is very hard too know what someone is really thinking or how they really feel. When you get lots of replies and people are suggesting different things, it is because they can see at times you are emotionally suffering. So, people are suggesting idea's too be helpful because the majority of people care. You might get a comment that isn't very nice but on the whole, the replies are very positive because people are genuinely trying to make helpful suggestions. 😊🌸
I am beginning to see that because my own Mother is emotionally needy I am
starting to see the same pattern in myself
I think there will come a time I will need to see a Professional Psychotherapist to assist me with my need for reassurance and simple support which clearly my parents never gave me
Roukaya that's a big breakthrough if you are seeing a pattern in yourself, you have also spoken previously about a difficult relationship with your mother and i know you looked after your father, i think some sort of counselling could be helpful towards you resolving your feelings of anxiety and boost your self worth and confidence ~ love and hugs 💜 xxxx
I can see by a few of the replies you've had to various posts that most people do care and if it looks like someone doesn't care then that might be because they are either hurrying a reply and not checking what they've said (I'm definitely guilty of that) or that they are sincere but aren't very good at the way in which they've worded their replies or even sounding abrupt but only because they want you to take notice of their advice.
I had Emetophobia, fear of being sick, and some people just didn't understand. I bought a book which was a specific program for phobias and I had CBT. The therapist I saw sat there and listened and explained what my brain was doing.
I also have read into your post that I don't think you are allowing yourself time to heal. Believe you me you will get better but I feel with the help if a therapist or even friends. A lot happened to me when I was a child, something which I'm not going in to, but it involved my brother, thankfully he's no longer with us. My parents were amazing and that was my saving grace.
Finally, be kind to yourself and allow yourself time.
Hi love ...I must admit I haven’t read all your posts ...but I know we’re you are coming from as I have very high anxiety and yes I repeat things over and over .....people sometimes think all you have to do it do something once and your cured ....no it’s not as easy as that .....people can’t understand how something little can mean a lot to us ...a hug a word of encouragement goes a long way .....doing simple every day thinks that other people can do without thinking is hard for us who live with anxiety.....sending gentle hugs xxx
Hi Roukaya, quite honestly I think you are a marvel!
Doing some heavy-duty studying while caring for your father!
I have seen other people when they've been doing independent further study *without* any other responsibilities and observe that it takes a toll. The main thing they talked about was their isolation and loneliness.
It sounds as if you are already achieving a lot, but naturally bored and lonely because it is all seriousness.
Maybe you need a bit of triviality and fun and no pressure to “change your life“ as you're doing that already. Small things and no pressure, as little bits of refreshment can make a big difference.
I am in the U.K. and don’t know if you're in the US or U.K, so don’t know if this next bit is helpful:
There are some organisations that could help you get some help in so you could have some regular “time off” in your week. These include Carers U.K., and Age Concern/Age UK, which could be good starting points for finding support to get a bit of space.
Many carers find that their relationship with their parent/person they are caring for gets lost in the carer role, and when they get some support/respite, their relationship is restored, which makes life easier.
Their advice line is open, it is only the shops that are closed.
If you ring them on 0800 055 6112, there will be a brief message (the usual blah de blah), and maybe a few minutes wait, but don't despair, they let you know how long that will be, I had to ring them and it was 2-5 mins.
You can have a chat with them and they can get an idea of what you need. They can advise you re. what is available, & what steps to take. They can refer you to more specialist advisers within Age U.K., and to outside agencies. They can help you get the support you need to deal with any agencies/services so you're not on your own with it.
If you don’t feel up to doing this just yet, don’t worry, just do it when you can. It should help take the weight off.
I am not a regular poster, however on occasion I have contributed to the Forum, using my knowledge and own personal experience, of 'specific' situations. And have done so, due to the wealth of helpful information, gained from the community site forum, following a life changing situation.
In essence, whilst I understand and respect your feelings on some of the responses received, when help or advise is sought. I genuinely believe that 'individuals', taking the time to respond, do care and respond with your best interest in mind.
The problem I suppose is, each individual will contribute their own thoughts/views/ opinion etc, and as such it becomes quite a minefield for you the recipient, to descipher and decide which angle to choose, or even is best.
The fact is, in some situations, it is easy or simple to decide, and in other it is complex, in that it is in no way, straightforward and thus requires all the facts and in some case specialists practitioners.
Please do not see this as a suggestion or a direction. However, there are some situations which indeed require professional help and support to tease out, counter and address underlying issues, before one is able to move forward. And perhaps, it is the case, that whilst the community spirit can, or in some ways, help and support. In terms of needs, long term, and what the individual requires. The help of the community is very limited, or indeed limited in this respect, and is therefore, not a substitute, for expert/professional intervention , help and one to one support.
Again, I am not saying that you should, however, in terms of your day to day situation, you may need to, begin, if you haven't already done so, start the conversation with your GP to see what professional support network there are; making connections with a view of one to one sessions, to be better personally supported, whilst at the same time using the community to bounce ideas, as a fall back and for the more simple straightforward problems encountered.
In the interim period, my thoughts are with you, as you work through your difficulties.
Hoping that you will find workable long term solutions to your problems.
These are really challenging times for everybody. I am certainly not at my best at the moment. So all the more reason for a bit of patience and care for each other. This is a marvellous site and it has been invaluable to me on my COPD journey. I hope your health improves soon
Also Roukaya, don't forget that you are not alone. I guess we are all seeking a bit of support from day to day. I do hope the future brings better for you. Maybe you are a bit over whelmed by it all. Look after yourself and try not to get down x
Well, of course people will have their opinions probably based on their experiences. I wouldn’t take it personally. You do You, I’ve experienced the same things I just move on. You have to expect that to happen when you come to a forum where we All have mental illnesses. 🙏😷
I'm so sorry you feel lonely. I do too. I have a world of worries in my head at the moment and I know how taxing those worries, whatever they are can be.
I have noticed that you are very sensitive to people's comments so I want to be clear that I've only ever tried to give you tools or ideas that might help. But I think what you probably need is a darn good hug?
Looking at all the supportivr messages that you have had from some wonderful people on here, may I ask if anyone has actually said to you that you are "not trying hard enough" or is that how you are perceiving the replies?
I'm just asking because I am trying to understand and if I understand then hopefully I can support you better x
Well, thay is an odd thing to say, "go and find yourself a husband." I wonder why they thought that would help you?🤔
Sometimes when we are feeling extra sensitive and vulnerable we can read a message and take it in a different way to when we are feeling more independent and confident. That's true if me anyway.
It certainly sounds like you have achieved alot recently and you've had the worry of the new tenant that seems to have settled down now? You managed that really well and as I've said before you express yourself so well on this platform.
I think that some people are more understanding than others, equally we all express ourselves differently. I'm someone who will look for a solution to a problem and try to gain as much information as I can beforehand to help me.
Similarly to you I have always been very independent and ambitious, relying on myself since a very young age. But suddenly that ground to a halt in 2014. I suddenly got sick, very sick. My fiancee left me because of the illness and now I am in lockdown on my own and family are all 2 hrs away. It's very lonely isn't it?
I was managing well initially but now my treatment has been stopped and I am really struggling. Very much physically and because of the pain, mentally too. I keep waiting and waiting to hear when my treatment will be restarted or if it will be restarted at all. It's in my head whatever I do. It's all I can think about but I must try to not let it consume me.
I'm sharing this with you so you know that you are not alone in this awful lonely time. It sounds like your relationship with your mother is very complex but I don't know enough to comment about it any further.
I don't know where you are in the world or if you have any plans for today but I really hope that you manage to find some joy and happiness in the day just for yourself.
X
Sorry if it sounds a little disjointed, I've been awake all night and had to have extra morphine in the night annld it makes me waffle xx
I had no idea you are ill and kind enough to answer
Thank you for your honesty and admission your fiancée left you when you fell ill
This must have been double the blow
But this shows if he truly cared for you he would have looked after you
Thank you for saying I express myself well
I have a University education including law but saddened as I did not get the training to become a Solicitor
I am studying Wills and Probate but due to overwhelming family problems I would let this deter me
I think it is the uncertainty of when your treatment will be reinstated with your illness which is causing the profound anxiety
As for the tenant , I have done what is reasonable and this is what I have explained to the agent
I am quite close to my Mother but she can be a domineering tiny little lady and I am learning as I approach 51 that I am very much my own person and I think she thinks she can put her worries on me given my own anxiety issues
But at the same time she can be very understanding
I hope that you can find out when your treatment will be reinstated as this will remove your anxiety
No problem, I:m always here to chat and help if possible.
I wouldn't say that I have profound anxiety about my treatment as I have reached a level of acceptance, but I do want to know where I stand so I can make plans. Well, as much as we can plan during a pandemic!
It's certainly easy to get sidetracked by family problems. Is the work on Wills and Probate something that you can pick up on another time, later down the road?
Yes, it was rather horrific when my fiancée left. It's something that I never saw coming. It still hurts to this day. All I did was get sick. We never argued, not even once. I used to see him in town from time to time when I could still get out and about to do a little shopping. If he saw me he would duck into the nearest shop and hide. My friends weren't impressed.
I'm sure you and your mother love each other very much. But these relationships can difficult at times of stress and I can't think of anyone who is finding this pandemic easy. I'm missing my mum and dad..I haven't been them since Feb which was when I was last in hospital. Hopefully I can see her soon.
You take care for today, walk tall. I can hear that independent woman in you 😉 x
It is a set back to set your treatment postponed and I hope you will be able to maintain your health and well being until you do start to receive your treatment
I am ok but learning to cope with my Mother
I expect she has a lot of responsibilities as she is on her own and it is hard me being away
We have worries exacerbated by anxiety
I use volunteer at Age U.K. and now also that has been postoned
I think at times my Mum is like a child highly energised and a real entrepreneur
She is lonely as me but there are no prospects for me
I have not seen Mum since January and total isolation since
Apart from managing your health condition , how do you cope and manage in Lock Down?
I get lonely but I should study for the Diploma as I have a habit of missing the pass mark
So sorry you’re feeling how you do and unsupported. Lack of confidence and anxiety are extremely difficult to cope with. We’re all different sure but just because someone perhaps has more stress and illnesses to cope with in no way means yours is less important.
I know it’s hard and difficult to stop comparing ourselves to other people. Even if you and I, we don’t, had the same problems etc it doesn’t mean we’d react in the same way.
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That's it though whats silly and trivial to one person isn't to someone else!
Most people are coming from a good place, I can see that having read back at some of they previous responses from your posts.
The last few months has been a very unusual and thought provoking time for us all because we have had to stay home for sake of our health with little or no human contact.
As things begin to get back to some sort of normality, you will start to do things that you enjoy doing once again, going out, meeting people and this will hopefully have a more positive effect on you.
It is very difficult to write well meaning messages, we are not all authors or poets but please know that we all joined this forum for one reason and that was to seek help and to seek support from one another. Most of us who respond are coming from a good place, but some don't articulate that very well in a response which I am guilty of myself.
Don't forget, many of us don't know each other but I can see that some people have built lovely friendships just by responding and sending kind words of comfort to one another which is a godsend when one is unwell and family and friends don't always understand.
Please try to focus on the more positive and supportive responses if you can and remember that change doesn't always happen overnight and you will, as difficult as it may seem, have to begin by making some small changes yourself, trust that you can make the best decisions for yourself.
Take good care Roukaya. 🌈💕
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