I often write on this post as many have been supportive
I have tried to cope by myself but as Ramadan comes to an end I am sad I will be on my own
I have learnt that following the end of Ramadan I will need to make a life for myself
It is clear that my Mother overseas can calm me several times when she is troubled but when she has support elsewhere she is too tired to talk
Again I should take responsibility for my life once Ramadan ends
The ability to reply to this post has been turned off.
Agreed. As Ramadan s coming to an end naybe all the line of work will come to an end also. As waking uo for Sehri and making iftaari would be missed. But Eid perparations and following Sunnah would also be good to obey. It givess a chance to meet relatives after longtime as I am going to my hometown next week .
Salaam
I will have no one to spend Eid with
I suppose this is what makes me sad
Choose not to be sad Roukaya. You have lots to be grateful for. I think you've learnt so much about yourself over the last few weeks. I'm excited for you. The lockdown will be coming to an end very soon I'm sure and I think you'll be better prepared for this next phase of your life. 💚
Good Afternoon
I hope you are well
I hope your day has gone well
Thank you for saying I have done the best I can
I am aware of my weaknesses and strengths and the necessity to persevere with life and start again
I expect my Mother as usual when she has other forms of support she makes it clear she is busy
But as soon as she has worries she will call me several times a day and this is what makes me sad knowing she can call on me whenever it suits her
I just read your other reply
But it seems to have vanished
I thank you for your kind words of advice
If you don’t want your mother to be calling so often you need to take control of that. Think how things are going to change going forward. Maybe keep the calls shorter or less often. Do you mean when you need your mother to talk to she’s not available but you are available to her several times a day if needed and this makes you sad?
Thank you for listening
I hope you are well
It is the fact she calls several times a day needing constant reassurance
But when she finds support elsewhere she will have very little time for me
Also it is a pattern that when she had a male friend she praised and lavished her attention to him
Only when he became abusive and controlling dit it come to an end
I think in all honesty is that I have put the needs and wants of my elderly parents ahead of my own
But in my Fathers case I had no choice as he was mentally unwell and a very vulnerable adult
Mum is far different and with her I always have to a tendency to drop everything for her but I feel let down by the fact I am taken for granted
But as Ramadan and the Lock Down ends I will need to create a timetable in order to resume my studies and job applications
Best of luck with your studies and job applications!
When lockdown ends and you resume what has become your normal life, you won't have as much time for your mother. Tit for tat, as we say.
Good morning
I hope you are well
Thank you for your two replies
I have done my very best for my parents and may be given the limitations of LockDown and observing Ramadan I tend to feel quite tired
I think I cared for my Father until he died and since then at times my Mother can be demanding
For me life will be the same in the sense I should concentrate on passing a Diploma in Wills and Probate and find a years work experience
I have issues of anxiety and depression which at times which dies not help
I hope you are well
How are you managing with Lock Down
A belated Good morning to you!
Yes - thank you, I am well enough. I have read many of your posts during Lockdown and understand what you are going through. I get the sense that you are now the adult and your mother is the child. You have indeed done your best for both your parents but at the moment, you are probably all your mother has and so you get all the phone calls with all the worries and all the demands. It is no surprise that you are tired. There is nothing wrong with using your tiredness to end an over-long phone call. Hopefully, as Lockdown ends, she will find someone else to offload her issues onto, which will leave you to get on with your studies. Have you been studying online for the last two months or do you have to attend classes?
My partner and I are retired so Lockdown hasn't made much of a difference to us. He has daughters but they all live some distance away and so we rarely see them under normal circumstances. The main thing has been the constant worry about getting shopping. My partner is diabetic and needs a carbohydrate-based diet. He's also very traditional in his tastes, and I can't always get what we need from the shops. They don't tell us if something is unavailable until it is too late to add something else to the list so sometimes I order more things than we need because I know I have just that one slot a week. Luckily, we do not have to go out for anything but people cannot come in either, so he cannot get help to carry the paving stones that have been delivered to the front door. I already injured myself helping him last year, have just slipped my disc again, and am not about to help him. It would be foolish.
I am writing a book on choral and orchestral conducting for people just starting to think about adding an orchestra to their choir but most of my time I'm reading emails and messages on sites like this one, and following the news. I have done a heavy stint of housework during the Lockdown but now, because of back pain, I am taking it a bit easy. We live in a rural area so I can go out to walk but I am finding it hard to motivate myself. I do a lot of sudoku puzzles and read. I don't know how I would be if I didn't have anything to do, though some days, if I haven't slept well, I just waste the day, which depresses me. I'm now 75 and the shock of my MDS/MPN diagnosis last June has made me very aware of the march of time and how I want to leave something of myself behind when I go.
Is your nearest mosque doing anything online for the end of Ramadan? I know it's not the same but at least participating that way could bring some of the warmth and joy you are missing, and learning a new way of using IT would add a new skill to your armoury. Stay strong and positive; all will be well.
Good morning
Thank you for your reply
Thank you for taking the time to write such a long post
I have been there for both parents but I think I protected my Mother when we discovered he was with a younger women
Hence my interest to study Wills and Probate
I have been studying for the past three years on line but I have failed marginally due to lack of preparation and putting the issues of my Mother ahead of my own
Also she is 72 and she met a male friend who she thought was the answer to her prayers
I felt deeply wounded and hurt as he was given preference and priority
In the end he was another predator who came to take over my Mothers life and her Assets
As I am the only child he wanted me out of the way calling me mentally unwell
In this way he stood to gain greater control over my Mothers affairs very similar to my Father and his younger woman
Clearly when both parents had someone else in their life , their interests and needs weighed far more than me
This is what causes the hurt
I had to take care of a very vulnerable and mentally ill Father
He genuinely needed help
But in my Mother’s case she is on her own but also I listen
However since my Father died two years ago she met the gentleman changed towards me and when he became abusive and controlling I stood up to him
He is even nasty to this day as he manages one if her properties and may even threaten to take her to Court for unpaid maintenance charges even though she pays by cheques and he refuses to cash them
I am seeing a Psychotherapist realising by solving my Mother’s issues by numerous flights overseas due to my loneliness is not helping
I need to be there for Mum and also prioritise my own life
I hope you manage to feel better and I hope you can reply to this post
Hello again, Roukaya,
I have just been adding to my already long shopping list at Tesco. Hopefully, we will get what I have ordered.
Your latest post gives me great insight into what has been happening in your mother's life. I am an only child, too and had to see my mother through her divorce many years ago. Nothing like what you have been experiencing.
It sounds as if your mother needs some help of a legal kind and if she could manage to break all ties with the abusive man in her life by manipulating the issues around the property (you don't say whether she owns it) it would free her from his clutches.
You have been through some very stressful times, caring for your father at a time when he was being unfaithful to your mother, and then losing him. It was only two years ago, so all those feelings are probably bubbling away close to the surface. It's not surprising you need help to get over these things. Is there really anything you can do by constantly taking the trip to see your mother? If it were possible to resolve the problem in a practical way, I am sure you would feel a whole lot better.
It is a sad fact that these men exist, who appear to be charming and supportive and everything you would want in a man, and yet, in the end, they turn out to be fraudsters. It is not uncommon; I have a friend who has lost thousands of pounds of her savings to such a man.
Agoodenough is right, though. You do need to get your own life back on track. Presumably you need to earn a living, for without an income you can do little to help anyone who lives so far away, when they seem to need your physical presence. Back to your studies - immerse yourself in them. I hope you find them interesting or it can be difficult. Good luck. Keep in touch.
Thank you for listening
I appreciate your kind words
Good morning
Thank you for your reply
I thank you for answering the post with great understanding
My Mother owns several properties and he is the manager of one of them
The issue started last year when there was a leak caused to her flat and he refused to provide her with adequate payment to make good the damage
She has nothing to do with him as I stood up to him at the end of 2018
We have a friend who manages another property who is also a property manager of the block
His advice has been for Mum to keep paying by cheque and to keep receipts of the cheques to show as proof
If my Mother can show proof this should protect her
But when I bring up this topic up she gets quite upset
I have asked her to seek legal advice and she says she will once Lock Down ends
She has a cousin whose son is a Barrister and whose Father works as. Clerk in Chambers
I try to help Mum to the best way I can and when I bring up this subject she gets cross
My main concern is that he came and pretended to be her friend this is why I was neglected as she thought she had found happiness
But he came to take everything from her and kept saying your daughters head is not right
He was gaining greater influence over her by sidelining me
When the abuse became to much the relationship ended in Dec 2018 and the water leak in Feb 19 and has been revengeful ever since because he cane for everything but the daughter stopped him
I will ask Mum to seek advice following Lockdown because she is 72 she says she can only take so much
I lost my Father in 2018 and since then I have struggled to pass the Diploma in Wills and Probate but this is an area of great personal interest time given me own personal experience
I will try again to study and apply for work experience following the end of Ramadan
I should not view myself as a failed Solicitor but apply my skills and experience to a new and fulfilling role in Wills and Probate
As for Income I have a small one bedroom flat in London which I own and rent out
The last tenants left in April 19 and given the Lock Down it will take time to find new tenants
It is my main income and in the meantime I am reliant on my savings I had acquired from my inheritance to survive
I urged to order a great from Tesco on line and I would constantly add to the list as it is so tempting
It was the high light of my day to see the groceries come in
But I discovered a huge Aldi and a big Turkish Supermarket near where I live so last Friday was the last time I ordered on line
I will try to refocus and I expect you are a caring wife to our husband
You have much insight and maturity and I thank you for listening
Hi again Roukaya,
It sounds as if the only thing holding you back is Lockdown, but now estate agents are gradually continuing their work with buying, selling and letting property, so you may find you can accelerate letting your flat. If you aren't using an agent, taking your own pictures and posting them online should work, so that you are not showing it to too many people. I would think a one-bedroom flat would do well as people are coming back to work in London.
It sounds as if your mother is well set up with legal help, too, and will be able to get things sorted out soon, and no need for you to involve yourself if it upsets her.
It is the highlight of the day when the groceries arrive, isn't it! Little things - yet when life becomes so restricted, it's the little things we cling to. I have just read the good news that the number dying this weekend is down a lot compared to last weekend. I still think we need to tread carefully. You are lucky to have a Turkish shop nearby. I understand they are the only shops to be able to sell wholemeal flour, though I just ordered some (fingers crossed) from Tesco. I have to drive to any of our shops, but a mile away there is a corner shop. Unfortunately it's a bit too far for me to walk at the moment.
Don't consider yourself a failed "anything". Life often gets in the way of achieving our goals and we all have to do the best we can. We can't all get there, and success doesn't always mean getting to the top of the tree but lies in counting the ways we get satisfaction and joy from what we do. We can be happy where we are, and as Mydexter says, you have already made such a lot of progress in the last two months. Keep smiling!
Good evening
I am hope you are safe and well
Thank you for listening to me and showing such great understanding
It is only a few more days until the end of Ramadan
I am trying to keep 20 out of 30
I think my Mother is quite lonely and tries her hardest but even though she has a few friends she always projects her worries on to me
I am sure you are looking forward for the groceries to be delivered
At times they are such a God send
I think I have over bought given the Lock Down so I will try to eat what I have
Thank you for encouragement
The flat is in the hand of a Letting Agent I have used for three years
I will start to apply for employment and resume the studies once Ramadan is over
I hope you keep safe and well and thank you for listening
Much appreciated
It does sound as if everything is starting to work out for you. I wish you the best of luck in progressing your career and getting the flat let. Take care.
Hello
I hope you are well
The flat had been vacant since 19th April so I have no choice but to be patient
It is my main income so I would be very pleased to see it let
I hope you are safe and well
I thank you for your kind words of encouragement
I wish I could ring my mum, I lost her last year and my sister will not answer the phone to me since we lost her. Have you got no friends or other family you can call. What about people of you church, or there are people everywhere who volunteer to talk to lonely people. Look something up on your computer what is local to you.
I find it hard to keep trying
I am a Muslim and the Mosque is currently closed due to Covid 19
Salams Roukaya, u r upset for being alone and im upset that here people even cant understand my problem are so sympathetic towards me that i want to live ur life. Having people around is not what you need. I'll agree with Maggie when lockdown ends ur be so busy that u'll even wont have time for your mother. As Eid is coming my family s taking me to my village where i have a famly its so diificult to tell them whats wrog, people just become sympathetic towards me. I hate it. I wish we could change our roles in life😀
Take care and dont worry urfamily here s with you
Salaam
All I can say that Eid is special time to share with a good family
The whole purpose is to be together
I also had a disadvantaged childhood and may be this is why I find myself alone because apart from my Mother I was never treated well
All I can suggest is that you continue with your dua and ask Allah in the last day’s of Ramadan to give you Shifa and and and answer
My life not so easy for instance I have no one in UK and I have to be financially responsible for myself
This is an unusual situation as a Muslim I should have been married long ago but this has not happened for me
Wasalam
Yeah it would be good to meet family after long time but for disables like me i need a support system which s only available in UK. However, maybe u like to stay isolated there r some people like u. Dont worry Allah will give u strength to bear it. He is Raheem O Kareem, may he shower all his blessings upon you. Everything will be okay🤩
Salaam
Thank you for your kind words
I am feeling quite tired as a result of the long day’s of Ramadan so I hope to resume fasting on Thursday
Inshallah
All I can suggest you continue with your dua with sincere faith and in time Allah will listen and provide you with your answer
Allah works in mysterious ways and with firm faith he will arrange a better life for you with Shifa
Good Afternoon
I hope you are safe and well
I trust your day has gone well
I think knowing that Ramadan is closing and I will be spending Eid by myself
It would seem my Mother has many friends and support but when she has worries she can call several times a day seeking reassurance but when she has her friends she has very little time for me
Again it will be for me to make a life for myself and not be at her disposal as and when it suits her
How did you spend your day
Hi Roukaya, as one phase ends a new one begins. Go into it with hope and optimism. You have much to look forward to and hard work to get stuck into I should imagine. Not only that, think about how nice it is to have a new Turkish shop spring up in your community during lockdown. You can be there to support your mum but as you have said, you are not there to be at her disposal and it is very important you do make a life for yourself. There is no time like the present. Nothing is stopping you starting right now. xxx
Good evening
I hope you are well
I am hoping to restart the job application process and studies once Ramadan ends in a few days
In the end it saddens me that no matter how much I have done for her this is taken for granted
It will be for me to learn to detach myself from her demands and reassurance when she feels very alone and to start to create a new life
I think going to settle in Mauritius permanently would have been the wrong decision
I need to find my own way in life
I hope you are keeping safe and well
How was your day
My day has been fine thanks, I've been in the back garden today with the mower tidying up out there. It certainly makes you tired pottering in the garden. Once Ramadan ends, you will be able to focus yourself on your goals. You will be much more settled when you walk your own path. xx
Hello
I thank you for your honestly
I can see where things need to change
I have always put my parents first to my own detriment
I have no one in U.K. and part of this has been putting the interests of my Mother ahead of my own since my Father died two years ago
I think studying and looking for employment is hard enough plus dealing with a demanding elderly Mother
I think having a Mother who projects her anxiety and negativity on some one who has no one can be quite damaging
I am pleased you have been kind enough to listen and to make this clear
How was your day
How do you make yourself happy
Yes you’re right It is very damaging and you have had a lot on your plate not least with looking after your father in the past. You want a job and to study. To do that you need to make space for you in your life. That’s not being selfish. You need to live your gift of life to your full potential in a way that makes you happy.
Well to be happy I like to walk. Preferably with a dog as that’s what I do for a job. I listen to music and in the lockdown have started doing watercolour painting.
I also like to cook healthy food. I try to not let outside influences affect my happiness but that’s an art in itself! 😁
I appreciate your honestly and kindness
I will remember I try not to let external influences affect my happiness
That is an art in itself
Thank you very much for listening
I wish you a peaceful evening
I do not mean to interrupt but is this suppose to be a private conversation because I have received it.I am a mother and always want the best for my children.They owe me nothing but being good people as best possible in life.We are equal human being made by a creator that also is equal in feelings and heart.Honesty, trust is all part of love.Noone is perfect as we know.I respect my parents very much, they are goodly but with their own issues as I have.Grateful in the moment for life itself.Life is short...unless you are young, than one feels it is forever.May God be with you.
Good morning
Thank you for reply
I would like to explain we have a unique set of parents some are kinder than others
I cared for a very ill Father for eight years if I hadn’t we would have lost everything to a younger woman who was taking advantage of a vulnerable adult
The same goes for my Mother
She became very involved with a make friend who pretended to me her friend but in the end was controlling and abusive
It was me again who had to put a stop to him
In this process my Mother whilst with him put him first and I was neglected
But when things become too much it is me who has to take charge
It has come at a cost as I am struggling to pass a Diploma and find a years work experience
I have done my very best for my parent
I have learnt that especially when I visit my Mother many judge me not knowing the whole story
I have bouts of depression and sadness brought in by what I have been through
Yes, you have learned a lot about yourself and life. Now you need to practise saying "no". Just that - no excuses for saying it. Different tones of voice can soften it if need be.
I have just answered your post under Roukaya
It is just below one of your posts
Thank you for listening
It is interesting to read that your daughter is part of a community Bingo
Very nice when people can group together like this
Thank you for kind advice
Yes, I thought it was a very nice thing to hear about when she told me, as it is not a usual thing and just done because of the lockdown so people felt less isolated. xx
It works be very different and very interesting
Hi Roukaya,
I know how you've struggled with isolation and the challenges your mum sometimes throws up out of the blue, unsettling you at times. But you've done so well and have taken on board all the advice which members of the community have offered to you, but I see you are staying strong and being determined to take control of your life when Ramadan ends and make a better life for yourself.
It's not easy, but I think once you make yourself get started, you'll see little gains day by day. Your confidence and happiness will grow and if you stick with it, I'm pretty sure you can make some permanent changes to make you more contented. So pleased for you. Take care.🙏
Good evening
I hope you are safe and well
Thank you for being kind enough to answer
I realise that our faith can teach us to be patient and there is always an answer
I have realised the power to change our life is within our reach
I have realised since I lost my Father two years ago my Mother has become demanding
I also realise that when she has other forms of support she does not have that much time for me
If I tell her this she can become self righteous
I think the answer is for me to take back control and power and persevere to make ti necessary changes
I hope you are well
Thank you for listening
Please don't feel sad and alone Roukaya, there's so much to look forward to. And end to the pandemic, it will happen and also a different appreciation for life. What I mean by that is we're going to appreciate the simpler things in life.
You've come so far, trust yourself.
Take care 😊
Good morning
I hope you are well
Ramadan in Lock Down has been hard given the long hours
The feeling of isolation and loneliness can feel very lonely
Ramadan will end in a few day’s and even though I will celebrate Eid by myself given the pandemic situation I will have to accept this
I can hopefully resume resitting the Diploma and finding a years experience
To start again knowing how much this matters to me
I hope you are well
Thank you for your kind understanding
Hi Roukaya
I'm good thank you.
I can fully understand how hard it must have been but think of next year's Ramadan when you will be able to be with others. I have a friend who celebrates Ramadan and she often says how she enjoys that period but of course very different this year.
It'll be good to resit the Diploma and will give you something to concentrate on so well done and then of course to look for a year's experience. I can see how this matters to you and you are important so try and focus on the positives if you can.
Take care
Alicia 
Hello Roukaya, I truly understand. You can talk with me any time but I don't know how to organise personal conversations. You stay strong, you are not alone.
Good morning
Thank you for answering my post
How are you
The name Rumcake sounds full of richness
The saying ‘you can choose your friends but not your relatives’ is so true! You have obviously been there for your mother however you have a life to live too. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself and your needs first - try to be strong and set boundaries. Wishing you the best and stay positive and safe ❤️🌈
Good morning
I hope you are safe and well
Thank you for answering my post
How are you managing with the limitations brought on by the Lock Down
I think what I have learnt that I have struggled to make a life for myself since I lost my Father
It has been two years and I am still trying
I think my Mother is also on her own and at times she can be supportive but also quite demanding
I think I have learnt that when she had someone in her life I was neglected
When this came to an end she was a better Mother but at times demanding
I realise I suffer from anxiety and depression and not having a parent who has ever put me first
I am their only child
I am sad to say I am fifty but I realise it will be for me to make the efforts to change life for the better
This will involve restudying a finding a years work experience
How are you coping in self isolation
I try to stay positive and keep busy - miss by two daughters so so much but they are both working in London - am praying when things ease a bit more they maybe can come and visit in the the garden! But obviously can’t stay as I am extremely vulnerable. The nice weather is a bonus as I love working in the garden. Stay safe and take care of you!❤️🌈
Try to stay with the positive things in your life and you have the group. I've been calling family and friends, talking about anything😂 praying is always first thing to do for me🙏
I'm glad you have decided to take control of your life, and get on with getting a job and your qualifications.
It is good that we have been able to help you, Only four days left before Eid.
Cheers, Midori
Good evening
I hope you are well
Now Lock Down is gradually coming to a close , have you been able to obtain your furniture
I have been feeling quite tired today I think due to the long hours of the fast
I took today off and most probably tomorrow off and I hope to do the last two day’s of Fasting
There is a great point you have said to take control
However in our religion everything is by the will of Allah
The door will open with the decree of Allah but God helps those who help themselves
Hello Roukaya,
Yes, I am up to my eyeballs in flat pack furniture and my son is threatening to run away! (not really, but I can't help a lot with that stuff). I don't have the grip any more to use a screwdriver, unfortunately.
At the moment it looks as if a bomb has hit the place! Its all beginning to fall into place at last though. The money should be in my bank by now from the sale of my old house. I feel so much lighter in spirit now it's over. I really hate selling houses.
I had a bit of trouble last week with nosebleeds; its always a sign that my blood pressure is too high, but now I know the house sale has completed, I can relax and it will return to normal.
Still a few things to buy for the house, I want some blackout blinds as the sun is quite strong here, near the coast. My bedroom needs painting,and the kitchen needs redesigning, as it is much smaller than the old one. At the moment I'm using a bookcase for my tinned and bottled goods!
Here in Wales we are still in full lockdown, because we know that as soon as it is lifted we will but up to our eyeballs in tourists, some of whom are likely to bring the virus with them. Unfortunately, its a Catch 22 situation, as Wales is very dependent on tourism. If we ease the restrictions on travel too quickly, we are very likely to get a further spike of infection, although we need the money the tourists bring.
I'm really glad you are feeling more positive about things, and I hope you get new and quiet tenants soon for your flat.
I hope you have a good Eid, even if it will be solo. Eid Mubarak!
Cheers, Midori
These motivational replies are very impressive. I m being refreshed by these, it shows thers so positivity in world. Roukaya you should be happy. There are so many people around which r supporting not physically but r with you some where in world😀 takecare and dontworry
Thank you
May Allahs Shifa be with you
Thank you for feeling better
You will Inshallah find a better life
Always in Allahs own time
The ability to reply to this post has been turned off.
