EXCLUSIVE REPORT by Investigative Reporter, Tony French, from the UK’s Weston super Mare Gazette.
In between this week’s Blockbuster Local News Stories (including 98 year-old Mrs Smiggin’s ‘heartbreak’ over her stolen fridge magnet, a drunken punch-up between a crowd of 23 Elvis Presley Impersonators and a visiting delegation from the Reigate Women’s Institute in ASDA, the local Council’s plans to replace the Town Hall with a full-sized replica of the Taj Mahal and 3 ‘confirmed’ sightings of the Loch Ness Monster in the Kiddies’ paddling pool), I caught up with local PMR Sufferer and PMRGCA Health Unlocked Community contributor ‘Uncle’ MB (aka Marcus Chucklebuttocks) - John Major lookalike and owner of the famous ‘Tedksi’ - about a disturbing national trend.
In typical Journalistic Style, I asked MB: “So, what’s the ‘Nooz’ about Tedski? I need a SCOOP for next week’s edition!”.
An unusually grim-faced MB replied:
“Tony, this is no laughing matter. The Genuine Tedski is well known around here and can be identified by his cheeky grin, ‘cool’ sunglasses (nicked from a young child), jauntily positioned baseball cap, feet marked ‘L’ and ‘R’ (but the wrong way round) - and not forgetting a distinct whiff of Vodka and an irritating habit of shouting ’JOB’S A GOOD ERN, EEZZNNIT!!’ in a half Somerset, half Slavic accent. In my early PMR days I bought him from a Charity shop for 3 quid to use as a theatrical prop for my witty (allegedly) HU forum Posts and to liven-up my talks to PMRGCAuk local Support Groups. But it’s all been downhill for me since then. He’s now got a whopping 7 and-a-half Community forum ‘Followers’. That’s twice as many as wot I’ve got - and I’m a Famous International Author, I’ll have you know. Has the PMRGCA ‘Community’ gone completely Bonkers?! Second thoughts, don’t answer that..”.
MB continued:
“Worse still, there are now multiple, simultaneous sightings of ‘Tedski’ around the UK. For example, last week ‘he’ was allegedly seen at Tescos in Plymouth collecting supermarket trolleys, in Bristol gate-crashing a ladies-only Pilates class, in East Grinstead selling used BMWs, in Telford masquerading as a Children's School Crossing 'Lollipop' Lady, in Manchester selling Donor Kebabs, outside Edinburgh Castle pretending to be a Bagpipe player, and in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Welsh Wales ‘look you’ offering to help Visitors pronounce the Town’s name, without hesitating, (q.) ‘for a mere 50 quid’. It reminds me of similar stories going around when Elvis died. Except Tedski isn’t, er, dead. Well, at least not when I last checked on him. Hang on a minute… He’s snoring so he must be ok. Phew..”
Finally, I asked MB: “What should PMR / GCA sufferers do if they think they spot a Fake Tedski on the streets where THEY live?”.
MB: “First, be careful - DON’T approach ‘him’ since he might be unpredictable if exposed as a Fake. Second, probably a good idea to chuck a few extra Preds (or a stiff drink?) down your neck to help get over the shock. Third, go straight home and have a good-old KIP, whatever time of day. You might even wake-up later and realise that it was all a dream? That’s the kind of thing that a combination of PMR, the Preds, Brain Fog and a bit of excitement can do to normally Sane people - whatever ‘Sane' means in the first place..? Personally, I've never been able to work out the difference..”.
With that, I shook hands with the enigmatic (or is it eccentric?) ‘Uncle’ MB and said 'Farewell For Now' as he strode purposefully down WSM’s seafront practising his John Major impersonations and shouting: “THIS LADY’S NOT FOR TURNING..” to a crowd of incredulous but giggling Holidaymakers and a few confused Seaside Donkeys. They’ll laugh at anything here - it must be something to do with the Atlantic Air..?
But on a serious note, and as a seasoned Journalistic Reporter, all of this brings me to ask: Can we believe all that we hear in the News Media? Is ‘Tedski’ Fact, or Fake News? ‘Uncle’ MB likewise? Or (perish the thought) even me, Tony French..?
So it’s Business as Usual then….?
Keep smiling on the PMR / GCA Journey - and don’t have Nightmares…
‘Tony ’
Written by
markbenjamin57
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44 Replies
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Ha Tony, I have nightmares every time I read your stuff 😱😨😵😎 and Tedski has been seen in St Neots 😉
Automated reply: I'm sorry I'm not in the Office right now. But if anyone here sees a person (or bear) going by the name of 'Tedski' in St Neots, please call the Old Bill immediately....
Just be careful, in Paddington, The King's Cross about this, and 'Euston' we've got a problem, the local Cannon is in the Street, careful or you will need an Operation on your (St) Pancreas. Be aware of Liverpool Street or, it might be, your Waterloo. Maybe have a Charring-ton's whilst you are Cross about being Station-ary. That's without becoming Tube-ular….Maybe getting High in Barnet, chasing Cock-rels on line to Piccadilly whilst having a Fosters- getting a funny Ealing neat Acton, perhaps Tooting your way over the river- so long as you don't get Maldon. Back up north getting Hardy at Stan-way, checking the weather at Rayners Lane, How about Bringing home, the bacon between East and west HAM! (I bet, that one, put you Out Of Joint). Just a few ideas.....
Give me strength... All I can say in a feeble effort to to up-the-ante is, er, ohh, I'll see you at the Temple Me-ads after having a Bath at the Spa. Please stop. This is all VERY silly and I'm not playing any more. Humpphhh (hurls toys out of pram)
You will Turnham Green, with envy Mark, I might suggest that you tell them to go Arse 'An All (oh gawd sorry, just had to). You should 'Play' more Mark, 'They' need you at Wembley, or is it Wimbledon (no that's really Raising A Racquet- shut up Andrew, you're driving me Crazy). No that's ALL, much to silly, just have a nice game of Rugby....At The Oval!!!!
I have to say that, I have, enjoyed these comments- in fact they have been Electrifying! I might Pull The Plug, for now, at least.
Automated Reply from MB: I am currently away on an un-scheduled 'holiday' in a remote part of Venesuela: but I will get back to you with a considered response once my captors have released me and returned my Passport. This should only take a matter of 12 months or so. Thank you for your patience.
Hope you are liking Venezuela, and it's not diving you too Karakas, there is NO escaping these Capital Comments! Whilst you are down there, you could always, cross the boarder and PURU-S the ancient remains. The other way, you could, always enjoy some BRAZIL nuts, whilst taking INKA climate. There is no escape, is there? Enjoy your Holiday, see you in 3037!
Dear Mr AndrewT: Vee have the esteemed Meestaire Benjameen under House Arrest here in Karakass. Hee no able to speakeasy to you. He not pleeezed, and also driving Us Lot Crazeee wiv his silly gags. But he nice guy and so Vee vill send heem back to UK asap in payment of a RANSOM of $1 US (or nearest offer?). Love and kisses, the Venezualian Lot.
Ve haav haz za Vip Vound vut zolly goot zoo buttonz, und zay brokeeen stapler. Zo yoo veel aaz tvoo keeep heeem. Vee vood negocivate terms, for voo tooo pie UZ voo zake hiiim.
Important Message from Sir Marcus Brimblewick, UK Consul for Foreign Affairs:
To: The Venezualan Lot, The PMRGCAuk Lot, Mr 'AndrewT' (and all other parties to whom it may be of concern).
It has come to my attention that a certain Mr M Benjamin (aka 'Uncle MB') from the UK has been abducted overseas and is currently the subject of 3-way Hostage Negotiations for his safe return to the UK. However, currently, neither his Friends and Family in the UK, That Lot at PMRGCAuk, nor his Captors overseas appear to have any means by which, or the intention to expedite his release. In other words, no-one wants him anywhere, under any circumstances. And from what my Intelligence sources have gleaned, that's no surprise given MB's eccentric nature and propensity for what is known in the UK as 'Wind-ups'.
So, in an effort to settle the matter all round, I therefore suggest that The Venezualan Lot simply post 'MB' back to the UK in a large plain brown envelope clearly marked: 'MB - YOUR PROBLEM (+ the appropriate UK address)' and I will undertake to return their postage costs - assuming he arrives undamaged. By 'undamaged', I mean, er, well, not 'damaged' any more than he already is.
I trust that my proposal will settle this complex Diplomatic Matter satisfactorily for all Parties, and we can then all get back to the more serious business of moaning about the Brexit negotiations, arguing about the price of Broccoli and how many Preds to take tomorrow (always a conundrum I know).
Yours Sincerely
Sir Marcus Brimblewick, Her Majesty's 1st PMR Battalion, OBE* (Retired)
I have to say, that I, Full Concore with you proposals- Re Mark B. This does seem the most Prudent, of actions. I'm quite sure that, given time, the Captors/ Kidnappers would, in all probability, have returned Mr Benjamin as, 'Damaged Goods, in any event.
I'm sure that ALL Parties will, without any doubt, allow YOU to act a 'Negotiator' in these matters. We are quite certain, of a 'Favourable Outcome', when left in your safe hands, Sir. To this ends we all await the return, of Mr Benjamin, at the 'Earliest Convenience'. Please do tell Mr Benjamin, on behalf of us all, 'Welcome Back Mark, we have missed you'. Once again thank you, for your Speedy Intervention.
Thank you for your kind message. You will be pleased to know that I have today consulted with the relevant parties, and all agree that it is in Mr B's best interests to be repatriated to the UK as soon as is practicable, and with no Ransom monies paid either way.
No doubt this will be a great relief both to Mr B and his 3-and-a-half (allegedly) equally deranged PMR / GCA 'Followers' there, whom he reportedly looks forward to tormenting with his Bonkers-ness for the foreseeable future. All I can add is: may God help them...
All we have to hope for now is that the impending Brexit negotiations are successful and that Mr B is not detained as a result of any international Border / Customs controls. But I must warn you that, if they are not, he might be held in Quarantine for some considerable time (typically 2 years).
On the positive side, I understand that the UK Immigration system does make provision for such eventualities. He would be provided with a secure, private kennel, two meals per day (Winalot biscuits and tinned Broccoli), and allowed limited access to a computer for social communication purposes.
Since I haven't heard, from you, your Lawyers, The Kidnappers- who I actually felt sorry for- or indeed Tedski himself, can I assume that you ARE back in the UK? Or Am I on the wrong Track....Oh gawd Andrew, don't start 'All That' again, Pl-EA-se? No more 'Tube' jokes, Train jokes, Station jokes, indeed any kind of Transport jokes, except maybe Horse jokes.....Yes maybe those? I could 'Go On', about having Horse Sense, you could tell me to Shut my Trap...and so on. I could Crack terrible puns like.....What cheese can negate the Smell, of a horse? Answer Mascarpone (Mask a Pony) You could tell me to Shut Up, and Trot off...For example. We could try Pigs but, that might, SOW-er things! Dogs, would either be Barking Mad, or just BITCH-y cats, on the other hand, might be PURR-fect! I think, your turn, now Mark! Go ahead, have a WHALE of a time.....
Yep Andrew. Back in the UK (or was it 'Back in the USSR' as per the 1970s Beatles Hit..?). Ohh, can't keep up with your style of word play. Only to say: er, oh, no, I've forgotten. I blame the Preds...
Ok Mark maybe, just maybe, my 'Wordplay' is a bit....BIT???....'Kind of fast', sorry just the way that I am made, I guess. Perhaps I'll Stick to something, less Frantic, maybe a few 'Old Chestnuts', like....Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It 'Ran Out Of Juice'! What do Men do Standing Up, Women do Sitting Down and Dogs do On Three Legs? Actually NO, you're wrong, it's Shaking Hands! What goes In 'Long And Hard' and comes Out 'Soft and Sticky'.....Again, NO- Completely wrong....It's Chewing Gum! What Do you get, at the Cinema, that Begins 'With a "P" and ends with "ORN"?....Wrong again, you're really NOT 'Doing Well' are you, it's Popcorn! OK, one more- pay attention, THIS time....What is long and hard, has a Prick on the end and Comes with a Quiver? Again you are, a veritable Mile Off, it's an Arrow! How many did you get...WITHOUT, 'sneaking a peek' at the answers....THAT many? Are you sure?
'Wordplay', of a different sort....Can you 'Cope', maybe even reply?
I haven't 'Heard', from you, recently....Did I Frighten you Off? Sorry, I'm NOT really 'That Bad', am I? No more 'Word Play'...well alright, one more, but it's a Joke.
One day, all the ' different parts' of the body' decide to have a vote, on who should be Boss. The BRAIN says that He should be 'Boss', as he Controls 'Everything'. The LEGS, say they should be 'Boss', as they Move 'Everything'. The Stomach, says that He should be Boss, as He Digests 'Everything'.....Then the A.sehole applies, for the job. Well, the other parts of the body, laugh so long and loud, that the A.shole Shuts Up, and goes On Strike. Given a few days, or certainly, Weeks....The Brain, is 'Foggy', the Legs 'Wobbly', the Stomach 'Bloated'.....So, the other Body Parts agree, that the A.sehole can be Boss. The Moral, of this Story? Simple....You Don't Have To Be a Brain, To Be A Boss....Just An A.SEHOLE!
Now that, we are into November, and beyond Guy Faulks Night we can, Slowly anyway, let our thoughts turn to Christmas. Will 'Tedski' be home, from Russia (was it Russia) or, is he, Heading Up North to 'Help' a certain Bearded Gentleman? To be honest, with the Internet, Black Friday, Pre- Christmas Sales and so on he DOES have his 'Work' Cut Out! (With, a good number, of these items being in the 'Pocket Money- plus a few Chores'- range.....)
One more, that I just can't resist...….SORRY......Things that you Can, and Can't say, on Television. CAN say "I've just Pricked, my Finger", CAN'T say "I've just Fingered, my Prick"!
I have to report a sighting of Tedski - I could swear it was he - masquerading as a South American millionaire. Risky I know, but I managed to steal a photo... but then alas I could not find a way to post it in this reply. Anyone know if you can do that?
Today I saw a bear in a blonde wig calling him/her/ itself Anastasia at Monticello, a famous country home in Virginia. He/she/it was with a bear called Pooh. Any help?
I will be Away, all this week, Mark so you have plenty, of time to think of some new ones. Just remember so Stay on The Right Track, no running Off the Rails, definitely No Sleep-erring on the job.....Oh dear! I think that I might have Hit the Buffers now.
I thought l saw a bear resemblng Tedski in the local garden centre, hanging around the potted pansies.l then saw him go into the restaurant and ask for a vodka,which was of course denied.l was tempted to ask him if he would like to give a talk at our W I.,he said l would have to ask his guardian first,how about that Mark ?
The last I heard was Tedski was in meetings with yogabonnie about a Pred smuggling operation following Brexit that would involve a lot of the bear community. They are down in the woods today.
That's who was then, yesterday afternoon there was a ring of my bell and low and behold a cute little bear was on my door step.
He told me that he was starving, not having eaten for five days. I invited him in and made him a super door step marmalade sandwich, organic marmalade and fresh wholemeal bread, real butter.
I presented it to him on a silver salver, he took one look at my temping sandwich and promptly threw in my face, the marmalade dripped slowly down my face and continued to drip on to my t-shirt and shoes.
"Who do you think I am" said the cute bear, "faffing Paddington"! Well his swear words weren't printable, not in here anyway.
He stormed out in a right old rage mumbling something about Sally Lunn's.
So if you hear anything on the news about a bun fight at Sally Lunn's you will know what it's all about.
Would you like my cleaning bill and while I'm on the subject my brand new velvet ballet pumps need replacing.
Reckon said cute bear had been at the steroids, he's isn't very well behaved. He quite upset Lord Cecil my beary best bear.
Where I live in West Sussex there is a new trend,everyone is buying them...shopping with my daughter on Saturday and she tried some on....it's the fashion...teddy bear coats!!! 🐻🐻Hopefully they're not made from old discarded teddy bears .Warning :keep your teddy bears in a safe place,beware of teddy bear thieves😣😦!
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why MB is down on fun
