EXCLUSIVE REPORT by Investigative Reporter, Tony French, from the UK’s Weston super Mare Gazette.
In between this week’s Blockbuster Local News Stories (including 98 year-old Mrs Smiggin’s ‘heartbreak’ over her stolen fridge magnet, a drunken punch-up between a crowd of 23 Elvis Presley Impersonators and a visiting delegation from the Reigate Women’s Institute in ASDA, the local Council’s plans to replace the Town Hall with a full-sized replica of the Taj Mahal and 3 ‘confirmed’ sightings of the Loch Ness Monster in the Kiddies’ paddling pool), I caught up with local PMR Sufferer and PMRGCA Health Unlocked Community contributor ‘Uncle’ MB (aka Marcus Chucklebuttocks) - John Major lookalike and owner of the famous ‘Tedksi’ - about a disturbing national trend.
In typical Journalistic Style, I asked MB: “So, what’s the ‘Nooz’ about Tedski? I need a SCOOP for next week’s edition!”.
An unusually grim-faced MB replied:
“Tony, this is no laughing matter. The Genuine Tedski is well known around here and can be identified by his cheeky grin, ‘cool’ sunglasses (nicked from a young child), jauntily positioned baseball cap, feet marked ‘L’ and ‘R’ (but the wrong way round) - and not forgetting a distinct whiff of Vodka and an irritating habit of shouting ’JOB’S A GOOD ERN, EEZZNNIT!!’ in a half Somerset, half Slavic accent. In my early PMR days I bought him from a Charity shop for 3 quid to use as a theatrical prop for my witty (allegedly) HU forum Posts and to liven-up my talks to PMRGCAuk local Support Groups. But it’s all been downhill for me since then. He’s now got a whopping 7 and-a-half Community forum ‘Followers’. That’s twice as many as wot I’ve got - and I’m a Famous International Author, I’ll have you know. Has the PMRGCA ‘Community’ gone completely Bonkers?! Second thoughts, don’t answer that..”.
“Worse still, there are now multiple, simultaneous sightings of ‘Tedski’ around the UK. For example, last week ‘he’ was allegedly seen at Tescos in Plymouth collecting supermarket trolleys, in Bristol gate-crashing a ladies-only Pilates class, in East Grinstead selling used BMWs, in Telford masquerading as a Children's School Crossing 'Lollipop' Lady, in Manchester selling Donor Kebabs, outside Edinburgh Castle pretending to be a Bagpipe player, and in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Welsh Wales ‘look you’ offering to help Visitors pronounce the Town’s name, without hesitating, (q.) ‘for a mere 50 quid’. It reminds me of similar stories going around when Elvis died. Except Tedski isn’t, er, dead. Well, at least not when I last checked on him. Hang on a minute… He’s snoring so he must be ok. Phew..”
Finally, I asked MB: “What should PMR / GCA sufferers do if they think they spot a Fake Tedski on the streets where THEY live?”.
MB: “First, be careful - DON’T approach ‘him’ since he might be unpredictable if exposed as a Fake. Second, probably a good idea to chuck a few extra Preds (or a stiff drink?) down your neck to help get over the shock. Third, go straight home and have a good-old KIP, whatever time of day. You might even wake-up later and realise that it was all a dream? That’s the kind of thing that a combination of PMR, the Preds, Brain Fog and a bit of excitement can do to normally Sane people - whatever ‘Sane' means in the first place..? Personally, I've never been able to work out the difference..”.
With that, I shook hands with the enigmatic (or is it eccentric?) ‘Uncle’ MB and said 'Farewell For Now' as he strode purposefully down WSM’s seafront practising his John Major impersonations and shouting: “THIS LADY’S NOT FOR TURNING..” to a crowd of incredulous but giggling Holidaymakers and a few confused Seaside Donkeys. They’ll laugh at anything here - it must be something to do with the Atlantic Air..?
But on a serious note, and as a seasoned Journalistic Reporter, all of this brings me to ask: Can we believe all that we hear in the News Media? Is ‘Tedski’ Fact, or Fake News? ‘Uncle’ MB likewise? Or (perish the thought) even me, Tony French..?
So it’s Business as Usual then….?
Keep smiling on the PMR / GCA Journey - and don’t have Nightmares…