Greetings All, whoever and wherever you are in the Big Wide World (not forgetting Welsh Wales, ‘look you’).
Well, where to start - after admittedly being a bit quiet recently? “DON’T BOTHER!” I hear some of you say, in a state of Terminal Exasperation.
But I vowed to continue to torment You Lot whether I’m fully ‘recovered’ from PMR (as if - ha!), on the way, going backwards, sideways, or plain Confused.com (as seems to be the case for many of us). As always, ‘we’ll see’.
In the meantime, I’m pleased to report this week’s Latest News from Weston-on-the-Sea in a Brexit gripped UK. Heaven help us..
First, a sighting of the legendary Loch Ness Monster in the 1 metre deep seafront children’s paddling pool has prompted a major Marine Wildlife survey into how he / she / it might have appeared there. Several witnesses (mainly age 6-ish, glued to their i.phones and high on Tutti-Frutti) reported: “YEP MATE, WE DEFO SEEN IT AND IT WAS LIKE MEGA. GIMMEE GIMMEE GIMMEE !!!”.
Next: in a £13m modernisation scheme, WSM’s elegant Victorian Town Hall is being replaced by a combined replica of the Taj Mahal and Trump Tower - to re-assure local residents that WSM is (q.) ‘both Culturally Diverse and Forward Looking’. Geoff Sims, CEO of WSM’s Town Council is due to retire next week, and made no comment when approached by local Investigative Reporter, Tony French.. Nothing new there then...
In other news:
Famous local resident and World Hokey-Cokey dancing Champion, Bill Peabody, sadly died at age 102 and was buried today. The interment was complicated because, as soon as the funeral directors put his left leg in the coffin, he put his right leg out about and shook it all about. I’ll leave you to imagine how the rest of the ceremony progressed. Only to say that it took several hours and 18 people to get him in the box...
A 5 metre deep Sink Hole suddenly appeared in the main road into WSM, causing traffic chaos. A local Traffic Police Spokesperson said (q.): “We have several Officers looking into it”. Hmmm, so much for efficient Police resourcing…?
On 29 October (here in the UK, the day of the clock / time change from BST to GMT - yes, complicated, I know) I asked Tedski to ‘put the clock back’ in the Limo. After an hour, he triumphantly returned and said: “Meestaire MB Boss-ski, I’ve put your ‘clock’ back by 50,000 miles. That should add about £5000 to its value - Job’s a Good Un!”. Oh dear…
Feeling energised, I ventured out to my local B&Q (for those of you overseas - a major UK DIY store chain) looking for a decorative ‘solution’ to enhance my new Atlantic facing (yes, really!) balcony at the Mansions. An eager (but heavily built) store assistant guy approached me briskly and asked: “Do you want DECKING?”. Well, with my Military Armed Combat experience, my first thought was: ‘Take No Chances’. So I gave him a lightning Left Hook to the lower jaw and scarpered to the Interior Flooring department to look for some beige carpet for the hallway. Phew...
Sadly, my experience in the Soft Furnishings and Carpet Department was similar. An equally brisk (but very attractive) young lady store assistant asked me: “Do you want FLOORING?”. Before you say it: NO, I would never physically harm a Lady - or anyone, unless under mortal threat. So I made my apologies and left the store rapidly. The Old Bill (Police) were very understanding when they traced me from the CCTV footage. When interviewed under Caution, I explained about my PMR, the Preds, and my dodgy association with You (un-named - just in case of Litigation) Lot. My Case comes up before the Magistrates' Court next week - wish me Luck?
An armed Hi-jacking of a lorry (truck) containing quick-setting Cement has prompted the local Police to search for the culprits. A Police spokesperson said: “These are hardened criminals and we are ‘set’ on finding them”. The mind boggles…
A reportedly ‘drunken’ but mainly well-intentioned comedic brawl in ASDA between 15 visiting Elvis lookalikes and a visiting delegation from the Reigate Women’s Institute ended in a Nil-Nil draw - as adjudicated by the store’s Security Staff. There were no reported serious injuries apart from some smeared mascara and torn fingernails (mainly on the part of the Elvis impersonators). A re-match is scheduled in Waitrose on Christmas Eve. To be honest, my money's on the Reigate WI - they're known to be a particularly aggressive Lot when cornered in the Organic Veg department.
My latest Charity (Op) Shop bargain is a rare, Victorian Monocle!! If I’m lucky enough to find another one I can make a real Spectacle of myself!!
And, finally..
As for Christmas..? Yep, the Merchandise is already shops. As for my part-time Xmas job? (the clue’s in the photo.. Yo Ho Bl**dy Ho).
So, in conclusion: if you’ve been either intrigued, confused due to Pred Head and / or daft enough read this far, you might ask: what does all of this Nonsense have to do PMR / GCA / Life in General etc?
Only to say: we all have our Ups and Downs on the PMR / GCA / Life Journey. But try to make the most of the Ups - and be patient when rolling-with-it during the Downs. ‘This, too, Will Pass’ - as I well know from experience.
Best wishes, enjoy your weekend, and look forward to another Christmas coming soon.
And.. try to keep smiling on the PMR / GCA Journey. It can help - take it from me
‘Uncle’ MB