'Oldies' but 'Goodies'

[AndrewT]

Dear Everyone,

What can't you find any Analgesics in the Jungle? Because the Parrots-Eat-'Em'-All! Sorry just HAD to.....Come, I could have asked 'Why shouldn't you play 'Cards', in the Jungle'? Because of all the Cheetahs, at least I didn't ask that....Oh Sh, Sh, Sh, Shoot...I just did! Now if I had asked 'Why did the 'Fly' fly? Because the Spider Spied 'Er...then you would probably SHOOT me....Oh Heck! Maybe a Decent Joke then?

The different parts, of the Body, decide to have a Vote regarding who should be 'Boss'. The Brain says that 'He' should be Boss, as He controls Everything...The Stomach says that 'She' should be Boss, as She digests everything. The Legs says that 'They' should be boss, as they move the body everywhere.....Then the A*se Hole applies for the Job. Well the 'Other' Part, of the Body laugh so long and Loud, that the A*se Hole 'shuts up' and goes on strike. Well after about ten days, the Brain is Foggy, the Stomach Bloated and the Legs Wobbly....So they ALL agree that the A*se Hole can be Boss. Moral of this Story....You don't have to be a Brain, to be a 'Boss'....Just an A*se Hole!

Come on Everyone, let's have some F..kin' Awful Jokes, the more Groanworthy, the better. Worse that 'Two Elephants, fell of a Cliff...Boom, Boom', worse than 'A man walks into a Bar....Ouch!' Worse than 'Two candles are talking...One says 'I'm going OUT tonight'.

I don't know, whether to, 'Welcome' or 'Dread' any replies I get.....

Best wishes anyway

AndrewT

[Hidden]

Hi, I love bad jokes so here we go, what did the cheese 🧀 say when he saw himself in the mirror - hollu-mi, sorry couldn't help that 😭

[AndrewT in reply to Hidden]

Dear OkeyCokey,

Very Funny😁...Two snakes going along, one says to the other 'Are We Poisonous?'. 'I haven't a clue, why?' replies the other. 'I just Bit my Lip' says the other. 😂

Keep 'Em' coming!

AndrewT

[Hidden in reply to AndrewT]

Right let's get it on, an in-patient having a fag, he notices a pub across the road. So he wheels his drip across the road goes into the pub orders a large whisky and says immediately after necking it back that 'I shouldn't have drank that, why? says the barmen are you not feeling to well, no says the patient, I've only got 10 pence!! 😜

[Hidden in reply to AndrewT]

Soz, I was supposed to say smoking outside hospital, what a spoiler that was 😢

[AndrewT in reply to Hidden]

Ok then....Sir Cliff Richard buys himself two antique Clocks and puts them in his Dining room. He winds them and they both start going 'Tick, Tick, Tick.....After a time one clock, turn to the other and says.....(Are you Ready For this?....Brace yourself....it says) 'It's so funny how we don't TOCK anymore'🤢. That's what I call a Bananas & Coke' joke....Makes you Bl..dy Sick!

A man rushes into a 'Chippy', at just past eleven, 'Got any Fish and Chips?' he asks 'Yes LOADS', replies the owner. 'Serves you right, for cooking, so many then!' says the man, before running back out.....

I'd tell you some Dinosaur Jokes but they are all rather a Dead Loss now.....🙄

Bye, for now. AndrewT

[Hidden in reply to AndrewT]

Hi

You've all cheered me up😅 love and hugs to you all

Lynne xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hey OkeyCokey..looks like I got competition lol..AndrewT is good.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No not quite, there's only 1 of you!!!!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Good to have others that want to laugh also n make us all laugh also.Better than dealing with the damn pain.I needed this today

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Absolutely, we need something laugh about!!! Before I joined this forum I thought I was going crazy then I found all you folks thn I realised we're all going crazy 🤪 love you all xx

[Hidden]

Thanks for the laughs much needed today.Sounds like we r both on the same page of laughter is the best meds.I can't tell a joke because too many head injuries..I'm more of crazy thoughts n utter silliness . Thanks again.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Today's not a good day for me either, Meds don't feel like there touching the sides. I like coming on here 😁 you will always have someone to talk to and we will always have an understanding with each other xx

[numps]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?......Cliff

[AndrewT]

Ok then 🤡What do you call a Girl with one leg shorter than the other? I- Lean (Eileen)😋 A lady with two legs the same length? erm No-Lean (Noleen)🙄.

Since I live in Essex....Two Essex Girls walking down the Sea Front, when a man pulls out a Camera. Caz, turns to Shaz, and says "Hold Still, he (gesturing to the man) wants to Focus" "What" replies Shaz "Boaf ov us" (Both of us). David, And Sharron, are walking down the beach, when a Seagull does- well what seagulls do (or should that be 'poo'). Dave makes the mistake of laughing,,,," don't be a c*nt and get me a piece of paper" says an unhappy Sharron. "Oh don't be Bl..dy stupid Shaz" says David "that bird will be 'Miles' away, by now!"

What tastes of Cheese, And Tomato, and calls 'The Bells, The Bells, the Bells'? The LUNCHPACK of Notre Dame! What tastes of Cheese, and Tomato, and stand at an angle? The Leaning Tower of Pizza (Pisa). What cheese is Made backwards? I'll let you think about that one.

AndrewT

[AndrewT in reply to AndrewT]

Did anyone 'Get' this one? It's EDAM, 'Made' backwards!

[rabbits65]

Laughter is the best medicine 😹

[AndrewT]

Keep 'Em Coming, everyone..... A small do is walking down the street, at about 2am, when it is 'Hit' by a drunk driver, who mounts the pavement. The velocity, of the impact, not only KILLS the poor animal but removes it's tail as well. A few minutes later the poor dog's 'Ghost' knocks at the door, of the nearest Public House. A Bleary Eyed Landlord appears, at the door, and, seeing the ghost says (hold you Breath, for THIS one) "Sorry I'm not allowed to RE-TAIL SPIRITS, at this time of night"😮😲🥺.

Now a 'Slightly Naughty, and rather Silly' one. Brain, and his Beloved, Carol are driving home late one night. As Brian pull onto the, Very Empty Motorway, Carol leans over, and says, "If you Drive faster, I'll remove my Clothes Darling! Brian dutifully increase speed and, true to her word, Carol starts to undress. "If you go over 100MPH, I'll remove the lot" she purrs. (Now, in reality, NO-ONE should drive at this speed, but this is a Joke...OK) Finally Brian is Careering down the road, with the 'Needle' touching the pin. I can't tell you exactly, what happened next...but the car turned over, Carol was thrown clear, whilst Brian was trapped inside- injured but alive. Carol grabbed a shoe, that was laying on the road, to protect her 'Modesty' and ran to get help. Eventually she managed to Flag Down another car "Come quick my Boyfriend's STUCK" babbled a frightened Carol. "I recon that we are too late Love" responds the driver, seeing the shoe covering her 'Privates' "I reckon He's TOO FAR IN already"! Andrew that is Rude, Convoluted, Rambling, Stupid but yes a 'Little' Funny....Just don't give up the day job!

Bye, for now

AndrewT