Maybe I deserve all this...?

[RBeard86]

I’ve suffered a long and painful life, but for awhile I thought that had marginally improved. I’d survived two spinal surgeries, two heart valve replacements, a cardiac ablation, plus three lesser operations on my left knee and one on my right hand. I learned to walk all over again three times, and was told twice I may never walk again without crutches. I also learned to write again, but permanently lost much of my previous strength, flexibility, stability, and endurance.

In the meantime, I earned three college degrees, held my father’s hand while he died, had most everything I cared about stolen or otherwise lost it one way or another, and spent most of my life doing all of this alone. In October 2016 I got married, finally, and there was some purpose to my life.

Six months ago, all of that fell apart. In January she left, mostly because my health took a turn for the worse and I’m no longer able to make the kind of money that keeps her happy. She claimed it was all in my head and told me to “grow up”.

I’m broke, broken, and my health is fading. The woman came three days ago while I was away and took my bed, an air mattress my father left me, antiques he left me, and the last letter he wrote me wishing me luck in life.

This all happened just a few hours after I was diagnosed with type 2 heart block, and told it’s progressing quickly. I’ve dealt with arrhythmias and syncope spells, even driving off the road once when I passed out behind the wheel (mild concussion, but I’m fine).

I can not afford the surgery for a pacemaker, which is going to be essential in the long run. I can’t get insurance until November. I can’t work, I’m not supposed to drive, I’m sleeping on a crappy old couch, and I’m alone. On top of the new developments, I have old damage in my back; I had a 12-level fusion at 15, which shattered in two places at 21, and I had it all fixed/replaced at 23. My legs and back hurt, and I have an undiagnosed pain in my shoulder that effects my armpit, arm, hand, and chest. My chest hurts, but I can never tell if it’s due to my shoulder, the SVT/AFib, heart block (pulse drops to 40), or old scar tissue from being sawed open (twice).

I’m 31... is there any hope of this improving, or should I give up now?

[seren1970]

No one deserves all that I’m so sorry your suffering they say there’s always a light at the end of a tunnel well I truly hope you get yours xx

[Mary-intussuception]

No. You don't deserve all this.

Remember -

You are Precious -

hold on to that.

I read through your previous posts, noticed that johnsmith gave a helpful reply 10 months ago and wondered if you had considered his advice ? Or if you might consider it now?

You have been through so much , and suffered far too much extreme pain, trauma and injustice - but you HAVE come through.

Are you still in touch with the Youth Club where you used to teach?

I hope you are able to get some rest and relief from all your pain.

Thinking of You

and sending Love & Best Wishes from Wales, UK.

xXx

[RBeard86 in reply to Mary-intussuception]

At this point I’ve tried about every doctor in town, and it’s a gamble to travel out of state knowing whoever I see might have the same news.

As for the social ties, those have all dried up. Friends seem to drop away when you don’t have anything to offer them.

[Mary-intussuception in reply to RBeard86]

Yes, I know that sort of friend - not really true friends at all.

Don't give up hope. There ARE genuine people, hope you meet some genuine friends soon. x

[Padayn01]

So sorry just can’t believe one person can go through this in one life I’m so sorry I know you wrote this a long time ago and love to hear how you are getting on now 🙏🏼