It feels as if this has been such a long process, yet really it only all started rolling in August, so two ops in, the first to remove ovary, tube and cyst, came back cancerous, so full hysterectomy including cervix and omentum as a precaution, biopsy came back all clear, yet still I have the chemo dilema. My consultant says this is the best treatment, get any stray cells mopped up and once the treatment comes to an end then I will start to feel better. So why am I so scared, I thought there was nothing scarier than surgery but reading about chemo and how it is done is worse. At least in surgery you are asleep!
I can't imagine strolling in and saying, hi, I'm here for my chemo, I want to start running and not stop until I'm so far away nobody can find me. What if I go through this and it comes back anyway. I haven't felt well since my second operation. I went to the doctors yesterday which seems to be the extent of my trips out and felt exhausted how will I cope with this, and will it really make a difference, or am I burying my head in the sand, I wish I knew. I wish I could answer the questions myself, poor hubby thinks I should just go ahead and do it and then move on with life, but what if it doesn't work that way, what if I get ill from the chemo and end up worse than I feel right now.
I just don't know where to turn or what to do, the oncology nurses are lovely but it's so matter of fact to them, this is what you should do why would you not want to do it. I'm pretty needle phobic as it is the thought of having a canula in my hand again after the last op makes me feel even worse. The bruises have only just gone. I've still got swelly belly from the op and I feel hot and cold and want to cry.
I know that statistics are not the only guide but as a researcher I feel compelled to search and find and explore and answer until I'm dizzy. I wish someone could make this decision for me, I wish it wasn't nearly Christmas, I wish ....