Hi All Good News but feel low

Hi everyone

Sorry havent been around much lately back at work full time and life hectic as usual.

I have had great news . 1st check up since end chemo with a all clear CT scan and a CA125 of 11. I should be ecstatic ( and i am ) but at the same time find i am really tearful and sad and now worrying how long for it will be until it comes back even although my oncologist says IF rather than when . Has anyone else went through this and does it get better

Thanks as always for all your support

Ally

11 Replies

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  • Hi Ally

    Great news. Know what you're going through. I felt exactly the same and had a terrible guilty feeling that I wasn't ecstatic as I should have been. I am 2 year's into remission and it does seem to get better, although the scared, sad feeling does still rear it's ugly head, but you have to push it to the back of your mind and get on with living. I deal with it by making myself see something positive every day and not dwell on the negatives. From what the other ladies say on this site these feelings will never fully disappear but we deal with them. Long may your remission last and I pray that it never comes back. Take care.

    Love and hugs Chris x

  • Hi Ally,

    Welcome back..it is normal to feel the way you do..I am sure we have all felt like this.. I know I have...like Chris says it will get better...the hardest thing to deal with though is there are not many that will understand how you feel...unless they themselves have been through it..OC is a very lonely disease...I doubt if you know anyone else personally with it..we are here for you and we do understand...I am pleased about your news and send you best wishes and love

    x G x :-)

  • Hi there Ally ,

    You and I are at the same stage ....all clear scan , bloods good and my check up last week was good so good he does not want to see me till March ..hmmm March ..here was I thinking it would be January as he had said back in April that it would be every four months ....but I have to go with it knowing that IF theres anything a miss that he will see me before March .

    So Ally we have to go forward with our great news and enjoy it .The last part of your first line say lifes hectic as usual ..... So you are keeping busy and going forward and trying to stay positive .

    It will come I am sure of that ..just might take a little longer but the tears and worry will tail off ...

    Be kind to your self and take a little time out now and again .

    Take care now xxx

    Love Jan xxxx

  • Hi Ally,

    Congratulation on the good news! A Ca 125 of 11 is very good! Time to celebrate!

    It's been several years since I finished treatment, but I can remember those exact feelings after receiving good news after a check up. I'd start off feeling elated and happy, but not long after, I'd go through a 'down-in-the-dumps' kind of feeling. And this happened every time!

    Of course, I wouldn't stay down for too long, but I could never understand the sad feelings I experienced. Hang in there, "It will pass!" Look for positive stories and talk to positive people and you'll be alright. My fingers are crossed that all your check-ups will be wonderful!

    Take care ... Sandy.

  • Hi Ally!

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling low! I put it down to a sense of anticlimax after being the centre of attention for so long during treatment! That and the dread of return!

    Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and the shadow will eventually lift! Do try to rest though! With your hectic life time to recover your equilibrium must be at a premium! Try a bit of spa pampering and 'you' time!

    Thinking of you!

    Love M!

    Xxxxxx

  • Hi Ally,

    It is inevitable that this disease leaves you with a fear and sadness - anyone who has had a diagnosis of cancer has stared many fears in the face, but is left with the 'what if?' of possible recurrence. Although we have the 'all clear' for now - and we hope; for ever- there is always the niggle: our existential security is badly shaken. I think of it as a grieving process: we have lost the confidence of ignorance of our own mortality (and I'm convinced that none of us really understand that WE will die until something like this happens): suddenly Death is present in our lives, and we grieve for the loss of innocence.

    HOWEVER: the truth is; this has always been the case - we've just lived in the 'Emperor's New Clothes' delusion that normal life encourages. As time goes on into, what I hope is a long and persisting remission, you will gradually re-build the security and dare to hope that you are immortal. Of course something will 'get' all of us in the end.

    There's a very old joke that tells of a Merchant's servant who returns from the market one day trembling with fear, and demands a horse and money to flee to Damascus as he has seen Death in the market, and The Grim Reaper stared straight into his eyes. The Master conceeds to his demands. The next day, in a fit of pique, the Master goes to the market place, finds Death, and says, "Look what the hell do you think you're doing terrifying my servants by giving them 'that' look?!"

    "Yes; says Death', - "Sorry about that; but I was so surprised to see him: I have an appointment with him next week ...... but not here......in Damascus."

    As you can tell: it's a subject that I deal with by giving it a great deal more thought than before ov. ca. - not a bad thing, I suspect.

    Very best wishes,

    Isadora.

  • Hello Ally,

    Yup welcome to the "Club" we all feel the same as you do, some days its easy to forget our worries, other days its hard, just take them as they come, find things to make you happy, keep busy, and if you want to scream/cry etc then do so, dont hold it in, let it all go.

    Life does go on even with this, look at all of us and hold on.

    Take care.

    luv trish x

  • Hello Ally,

    Yes i'm there too, some days on top of the world and then can wake up feeling

    really down....wondering if I will ever 'Get Back To Normal' I had my 12wkly

    check up last wk and my bloods were good.......but I can't help feeling there is

    something the oncologist isn't telling me!!!!! Like it will return in a short while.

    She was very keen I didn't return to work anymore. But life must go on so I

    try to put these negative thoughts to the back of my mind and try and set

    myself new goals. (Don't know what that it at the moment though)

    Best Wishes

    Angie xx

  • Hi as always thanks to all my wonderful supportive friends on here . Isadora your words are truly one of wisdom . In life we have only one guarantee and that is death but as you say we tick along every day and rarely give a thought to our own mortality until now . Yesterday was and last few days have been low but seeing all your kind words have really lifted my spirits .

    Thanks all

    Ally xx

  • Hi all! I bet many of you will have seen the film, 'The Shawshank Redemption'. I love the line in it where he says something like ..........'I can choose between getting busy living or getting busy dying' I know the quote is inaccurate, but the sentiment was that! For those of you who haven't seen the film, it's well, well, worth a look, Brilliant film I think, and so many truths and moving moments :-/

    Love W xx

  • Ally, I cried all last week with my worry. I am almost done with chemo and now I felt like chemo was my safety blanket. Now that chemo is almost over, the worry was getting to me. However, remember we have to live each day to our fullest because none of us, not even non OVCA women know what mortality we have. We could be hit by a bus tomorrow. For us, with OVCA, we have looked at our mortality face on. It can cause fear, but we can change it to give us courage! Hang in there and embrace your fear and wrap your amazing courage around it and enjoy your remission!! Kim

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