Disturbing thoughts: I am very confused of this... - OCD-UK

OCD-UK

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Disturbing thoughts

riisikasa
riisikasa

I am very confused of this current situation I am in. I am a 17 year old girl, and I've always been attracted to boys and had crushes on them, and I've been in relationship with a boy for a few months now. But approximately a month ago I started to doubt my sexuality. At first I thought I had somehow turned bisexual or I'd been bisexual for my whole life without aknowledging it. And sometimes, I might even think I am lesbian, or turning into one.

It all started after I began to think that a girl who identifies as lesbian was interested in me. She was giving me some subtle signs, but nothing was for sure. Then I started to question that do I have a crush on her? I never had had one on a girl, and never looked at a girl in that way. It has always been very clear to me that I am straight, and thinking that I would be something else made me feel sick to my stomache.

I began to question everything from my relationship with my boyfriend to my sexual orientation. I feel like I would be ok with being "queer", and my family and friends would totally accept it, but it feels wrong and for some reason I do not want to "be gay". I've cried many times for the overwhelming anxiety caused by this matter.

For a month I've been constantly checking my response to every single person I stumble upon. On the street, at school, while watching tv-shows, basically everywhere. I'm trying to figure out if I am attracted to girls and am I after all attracted to boys. If I notice a beatiful girl, I get really uncomfortable and start to think I have turned lesbian and lost all my interest in boys.

I repeatedly google coming out stories, things like "can a straight person question their sexuality", "how does it feel like to become aware of your sexuality", and doing different sexual orientation related quizzes and analyzing results. Sometimes what I read relieves my anxiety and makes me feel better for a while, but then all the doubt and guilt comes back. I hate it and it is starting to affect my concentration skills and I become more distant with my friends, because I'm constantly analyzing am I attracted to them.

Sometimes I get weird thoughts, for example today with my female teacher who is about 50, I just thought "what if I kissed her, would it be so bad", and sometimes I get that with my friends too. It freaks me out and I immediatly start to think I am lesbian.

I deliberately create scenarios in my head of sexual encounters with girls, and if I don't find it repulsive and my reaction to is is neutral, I get shocked and I feel like bawling my eyes out. I imagine those same acts with boys, and if I don't notice any signs of attraction, an instant wave of anxiety hits and I am feeling very down again.

This is driving me insane, because I don't want to self-diagnose any mental illness for myself, and I have never really thought about having OCD in the past. I have had anxiety issues before and I used to talk to a therapist, but I stopped going there a while ago. I am starting to think I am just a closeted lesbian or bi, and I am just in denial. It feels wrong and frightening and I can't bear this anxiety anymore.

8 Replies

Hey, thanks for sharing the post.

This is super normal.

And I’d even go as far to say I don’t know anyone that hasn’t had these feelings at some point.

Us guys and girls aren’t that different when it comes to dna. I think society makes us feel far different than we really are :-) who says pink is for girls blue is for boys bar some marketing guy at the barbie factory :-)

I recall many friends at school and college, worried and having these conversations. Like you said being gay or bi is normal as is being straight. But no one I knew that had those thoughts became Gay and I’m in my late 30’s now I have many gay friends and there stories seem different, but I’m no expert. I’d say this is just ‘thinking’ at this stage. it’s not real until you fuse it with real emotions, i see my mind like a newspaper just full of stories some real and some false. A good book to read I’ve found on over thinking is the ‘happiness trap’, may be useful.

What may or may not help; when your a bit older, you really won’t care or be bothered by thoughts like this, as it’s such a popular thought to have.

And the plus side is you can relate with so many people about so many things, which is a real gift.

Sounds like your mind is functioning well.

Don’t know if that helps but from my experience, what your saying is super normal thinking and behaviour.

riisikasa
riisikasa in reply to G-UK

Thank you for your answer. I am trying to be okay with having the thoughts and convincing myself that they are just thoughts and they don't define me.

It's a problem that is quite common with people with OCD. I haven't had it myself but I have had other forms of OCD for years.

The problems you describe are indicative of OCD. But I don't think it's unusual at your age to question who you are. In fact, everyone in their teens is trying out different identities, and exploring who they want to be. It's just that it is causing you so much anxiety and worry that makes it OCD.

To doubt your sexuality can undermine your sense of who you are and of course that can cause worry. Leave the sexual orientation quizzes alone as they only make it worse.

Trying to test yourself about whom you're attracted to is typical of this sort of OCD. The more you do this, the more confused it will make you. Try to let the thoughts just be, and don't try to measure your reaction.

It's possible for a woman to admire beautiful women without being gay. I'm female and straight and often admire other women's beauty. I know there's nothing sexual about it. Not that it would matter if there were! And although I know I'm attracted to men, that doesn't mean I fancy every man I meet! So just because you don't fancy a particular boy, that doesn't mean you're gay.

Gay people can also have this sort of OCD. They obsess about whether they might be attracted to the opposite sex. One of the many horrible things about OCD is that it puts all sorts of doubts in your head, and can make you doubt who you actually are. It's really no wonder it causes a lot of stress.

I think it would be good for you to have some sessions with an OCD therapist. Either get a referral from your GP or ask your school or college medical services about it. Learn to enjoy being who you are!

riisikasa
riisikasa in reply to Sallyskins

Thank you so much for answering, these answers really help me. Is it normal to have like good periods in the middle of feeling very anxious and depressed? I mean that I would have like a few "straight days" that I feel like I am the normal myself and I feel really relieved, confident and happy. But then I start doubting and analyzing everything again and fall back to the rock bottom. Is it common to have this kind of fluctuation?

Sallyskins
Sallyskins in reply to riisikasa

It certainly is! For most people with OCD, it fluctuates and they can have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. Something can knock you back or give you a bit of a lift. In addition, as a woman, you are likely to notice that the OCD reacts to your menstrual cycle, and PMS can make it worse.

If this is the case, perhaps a prescription for Vitamin B6 could help, or you could buy it over the counter. It can alleviate a lot of the problems of PMS and that can only be helpful in combating the OCD.

I really miss those days before all this happened, when there was no questions about my sexuality, and I was normally crushing on boys and thought of girls as just friends.

Now everything I do is analyze and worry literally non-stop, I don't usually have a single break from these thoughts, except when I spend time with my boyfriend, the thoughts go away for a while, until I start questioning everything again. I have started to even question do I really care about my boyfriend, and other things such as "are we ment together" or that are all my feelings just fake. Or that am I even feeling anything?

Sallyskins
Sallyskins in reply to riisikasa

I know just how you feel! I think about when I was able to go anywhere and doing what I wanted, and I wish I had that back.

Over-analysing things is something that OCD tries to make you do. It makes you question things that don't need questioning. It can even make you doubt what you feel and who you are.

Try not to over-analyse. A trick my therapist put me onto is to think of the unwanted thoughts or feelings as like clouds overhead. They come and go and then disperse. Or like a wave that gathers strength and swells, then breaks. It isn't easy to just let the thoughts be, but if you can then they do go away.

It's a bit like have a bully called OCD that won't leave you alone and demands your attention. The more you are able to ignore it, the more fed up it gets, and then it knows it has lost and just goes away.

Remember that everyone has weird thoughts. Most people just ignore then, but OCD makes you attach importance to them they really don't deserve.

I do think that you would benefit from some professional therapy. There may be a waiting list but it could be a great help.

Hello

I think we are in the same situation , but i think too that my OCD worse than yours , i can't control my mind at all not just in one topic like you (afraid to be lesbian) but in every thing i hear or see or smell , i becoming afraid from any thing new or any change in my live even if it is a small change .

There is always a basic ideas in our minds , and those ideas is our original opinions , then unfortunately it comes the OCD to put new ideas that is the opposite than our ideas .

So i don't want to disturb you because my OCD telling me now that i like to disturb people 😢 , but the only thing you should know is what your original ideas is

Take care your self 😇

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