I am very confused of this current situation I am in. I am a 17 year old girl, and I've always been attracted to boys and had crushes on them, and I've been in relationship with a boy for a few months now. But approximately a month ago I started to doubt my sexuality. At first I thought I had somehow turned bisexual or I'd been bisexual for my whole life without aknowledging it. And sometimes, I might even think I am lesbian, or turning into one.
It all started after I began to think that a girl who identifies as lesbian was interested in me. She was giving me some subtle signs, but nothing was for sure. Then I started to question that do I have a crush on her? I never had had one on a girl, and never looked at a girl in that way. It has always been very clear to me that I am straight, and thinking that I would be something else made me feel sick to my stomache.
I began to question everything from my relationship with my boyfriend to my sexual orientation. I feel like I would be ok with being "queer", and my family and friends would totally accept it, but it feels wrong and for some reason I do not want to "be gay". I've cried many times for the overwhelming anxiety caused by this matter.
For a month I've been constantly checking my response to every single person I stumble upon. On the street, at school, while watching tv-shows, basically everywhere. I'm trying to figure out if I am attracted to girls and am I after all attracted to boys. If I notice a beatiful girl, I get really uncomfortable and start to think I have turned lesbian and lost all my interest in boys.
I repeatedly google coming out stories, things like "can a straight person question their sexuality", "how does it feel like to become aware of your sexuality", and doing different sexual orientation related quizzes and analyzing results. Sometimes what I read relieves my anxiety and makes me feel better for a while, but then all the doubt and guilt comes back. I hate it and it is starting to affect my concentration skills and I become more distant with my friends, because I'm constantly analyzing am I attracted to them.
Sometimes I get weird thoughts, for example today with my female teacher who is about 50, I just thought "what if I kissed her, would it be so bad", and sometimes I get that with my friends too. It freaks me out and I immediatly start to think I am lesbian.
I deliberately create scenarios in my head of sexual encounters with girls, and if I don't find it repulsive and my reaction to is is neutral, I get shocked and I feel like bawling my eyes out. I imagine those same acts with boys, and if I don't notice any signs of attraction, an instant wave of anxiety hits and I am feeling very down again.
This is driving me insane, because I don't want to self-diagnose any mental illness for myself, and I have never really thought about having OCD in the past. I have had anxiety issues before and I used to talk to a therapist, but I stopped going there a while ago. I am starting to think I am just a closeted lesbian or bi, and I am just in denial. It feels wrong and frightening and I can't bear this anxiety anymore.