HOCD Breakthrough

[cambridgeborn]

I want to share an ERP (Exposure Response Prevention) victory with the group...

For many years (since teens) I have had intrusive thoughts about lesbianism. I became terrified in my mind that I might be a lesbian and I absolutely did not identify with this orientation or lifestyle! I realized years later that my pathological fear of lesbians and lesbianism was a form of OCD -- homosexual OCD. My illness was so severe at times that I could not even be in the company of any females including my mother, sisters, female friends, co-workers, etc. I even ended a marriage because my HOCD kept suggesting that I shouldn't be married to this good man because "I might be a lesbian".

My therapist suggested deliberately exposing myself to lesbian-themed books, films etc, but I wasn't even able to google the word "lesbian" due to crippling fear. (Anyone who does not have HOCD must surely be shocked by this!)

So, this week I decided to watch a new Netflix movie called "Tell it to the Bees", a story of two women in 1950's UK who fell in love at a time when same-sex relationships were scorned. At first, I hesitated to watch it because I was so afraid it would trigger my HOCD and cause me great distress.

However, I watched the film to the end and even allowed myself to remain in front of the screen when the two women were kissing and having sex. I kept saying to myself "response prevention", which meant I didn't turn of the the TV or practice any mental obsessions to try to neutralize the images.

I can honestly say that I thought it was a well done movie with an important historical perspective and really good acting. When I switched off the TV and got on with my evening I did not even think about my fears of lesbianism. I had a calm acceptance of the fact that some women are lesbian and that's okay. I felt empathy for those women in the film who were ostracized and punished for their love.

The fact that I am writing this post and actually typing the word "lesbian" is a huge breakthrough. It is part of my exposure practice. I don't want the word "lesbian" to have any significance at all to my mental health.

Please understand that HOCD is not gay-bashing; we do not choose to have these fears and phobias. I would be horrified to be perceived as anti-gay. I join all enlightened people in celebrating inclusiveness. That is why HOCD is so damaging to my self-esteem. It suggests an intolerance of others, but that is so not the case! The intolerance is of the mental distress caused by my illness. And I am learning to overcome my mental distress by exposing myself to lesbian-themed art without needing to practice mental rituals of avoidance and reassurance. I know I still have a long way to go, but having watched "Tell It to the Bees" was a start. Perhaps others on this Forum can relate.