I want to share an ERP (Exposure Response Prevention) victory with the group...
For many years (since teens) I have had intrusive thoughts about lesbianism. I became terrified in my mind that I might be a lesbian and I absolutely did not identify with this orientation or lifestyle! I realized years later that my pathological fear of lesbians and lesbianism was a form of OCD -- homosexual OCD. My illness was so severe at times that I could not even be in the company of any females including my mother, sisters, female friends, co-workers, etc. I even ended a marriage because my HOCD kept suggesting that I shouldn't be married to this good man because "I might be a lesbian".
My therapist suggested deliberately exposing myself to lesbian-themed books, films etc, but I wasn't even able to google the word "lesbian" due to crippling fear. (Anyone who does not have HOCD must surely be shocked by this!)
So, this week I decided to watch a new Netflix movie called "Tell it to the Bees", a story of two women in 1950's UK who fell in love at a time when same-sex relationships were scorned. At first, I hesitated to watch it because I was so afraid it would trigger my HOCD and cause me great distress.
However, I watched the film to the end and even allowed myself to remain in front of the screen when the two women were kissing and having sex. I kept saying to myself "response prevention", which meant I didn't turn of the the TV or practice any mental obsessions to try to neutralize the images.
I can honestly say that I thought it was a well done movie with an important historical perspective and really good acting. When I switched off the TV and got on with my evening I did not even think about my fears of lesbianism. I had a calm acceptance of the fact that some women are lesbian and that's okay. I felt empathy for those women in the film who were ostracized and punished for their love.
The fact that I am writing this post and actually typing the word "lesbian" is a huge breakthrough. It is part of my exposure practice. I don't want the word "lesbian" to have any significance at all to my mental health.
Please understand that HOCD is not gay-bashing; we do not choose to have these fears and phobias. I would be horrified to be perceived as anti-gay. I join all enlightened people in celebrating inclusiveness. That is why HOCD is so damaging to my self-esteem. It suggests an intolerance of others, but that is so not the case! The intolerance is of the mental distress caused by my illness. And I am learning to overcome my mental distress by exposing myself to lesbian-themed art without needing to practice mental rituals of avoidance and reassurance. I know I still have a long way to go, but having watched "Tell It to the Bees" was a start. Perhaps others on this Forum can relate.
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cambridgeborn
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Thanks for sharing this. I don't know the film, but it sounds very interesting. I shall keep a watch out for it!
I don't have the HOCD that you've experienced, but I think whatever form OCD takes, it's still OCD and the rest of us with it can relate. It must have taken a lot of courage, and I'm hoping you feel a sense of achievement and relief.
I'm sure that having HOCD doesn't make you anti-gay. I've heard of cases of gays people having what might be called 'Straight OCD' where they're afraid that they might actually be straight! I think it must feel like a sort of challenge to your sense of self, rather than a prejudice against other people. It must be as if you know yourself to be one sort of person, and OCD keeps telling you that you're not that person.
So congratulations for having the courage to confront this. I hope it is now well and truly behind you.
Thank you, Sally. You are right about the challenge to a sense of one's self. OCD is a terrible Doubting Disease; the illness is rooted in all those doubts, no matter the source.
I’m still struggling a lot with it - I have it all the same, just the other way around essentially. You can write me in case you need anyone to talk to
Well I’m a homosexual female, but this form of OCD keeps telling me I’m actually not; I guess it has started about year and a half ago. I tend to get anxiety from numerous intrusive thoughts, which interfere with my work and productivity on a daily basis. Those intrusive thoughts are triggered by nearly every man I see (even on pictures, videos etc), which is ridiculous in itself because, well, that’s literally half of the humanity’s population; so I end up being triggered almost all the time. Except the time when I sleep (but somehow I still happen to wake up with rumination about this stuff, and, consequently, with a bad mood). It’s especially awful when I’m around my male friends or colleagues: I like being around them, but at the same time I get hit with urges and feel truly, truly awful because of them. But! My mind keeps telling me I want that anyway and I end up being stuck in a vicious cycle. (That’s why I just avoid being around them to reduce anxiety). Checking and seeking reassurance can literally take hours as well. This whole matter is complicated by the fact that I don’t think I can find a specialist where I live who would be understanding of this condition. There’s more to it but that’s just a brief overview
Oh, wow, thanks so much for reaching out and sharing this with me. I wish we both knew someone who was doing research on this type of OCD, we could all benefit!
What is clear to me in both our situations is that it's not whether we're homosexual or heterosexual that's significant, it's how the disease targets our sexual orientation identification in general. It seems that whatever gene sexual orientation sits on, it's being targeted by OCD, paralyzing us with fear and doubt about our true identity.
This is so much bigger than anxiety over sexual orientation. It's a genuine anomaly in our brains. Neuroscientists need to hop all over this!
In the meantime, may I suggest trying Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). I try to practice this daily; if I get triggered with a thought/fear of being lesbian, I simply let the thought wash over me as I breath deeply and deliberately and, most significantly, I avoid mental compulsions like seeking reassurance or avoiding triggers. Ignoring the thought definitely weakens the bullying OCD.
Maybe it's time to change the moniker from HOCD (homosexual OCD) to SO-OCD) -- (sexual orientation OCD). Your case and my case are variations of the same theme.
Let's keep the communication open here because OCD loves to thrive in secrecy and darkness. Openly sharing and communicating in a fearless manner empowers us while diminishing the power of OCD.
And thanks for sharing your experience too - I may have not told mine if I didn’t see yours here.
That’s true, yes: this OCD seems to target not just a specific sexual identity, but sexuality in general. And as a consequence it puts under a threat your whole sense of self (because sexual identity is tied up with it in so many ways). And that’s indeed is an anomaly in itself. “Paralyzing with fear and doubt” is exactly how it can be described, and I relate to that a lot too, unfortunately.
And yes, I agree that this should rather be called Sexual-OCD for instance, which would certainly be a more encompassing term for the condition.
Now about ERP: I’m still yet to master it, because the fear of it revealing that I don’t actually have this OCD is so strong that I can’t bring myself to commiting to it fully. At times I can avoid checking, but if there’s a possibility to avoid trigger, I do avoid it (I mean, just about 15 minutes ago I didn’t hug my male coworker while the whole office gathered together to wish him a happy birthday, because I knew that it definitely could set off my anxiety. Really pathetic if you ask me).
Even though it’s hard in some ways, I’m for sharing our experiences here as well, if it means recovering and/or helping others.
The irony, of course, is that if I was compelled to hug a female colleague I would be just as squeamish as you were with a male! OCD is a disease of equal opportunity.
It's always difficult to do ERP and CBT, because it feels like jumping off a cliff, although there isn't any real risk. I'm pleased that you two have found each other on this forum, so you can swap notes.
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